Four Principles for Having a Great Marriage

Last week I was fortunate to sit at the knee of Jack Canfield and learn about the principles of success.  Jack is the amazingly successful co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, a book that began a phenomena in the publishing industry. Just the evening before, Jack learned they had sold a half billion books—500 million books and, yeah, baby, that pretty much redefines “success” in the publishing world. I immediately bought and began devouring Jack’s book The Success Principles, How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. I haven’t finished it yet but I couldn’t wait to share a bit of the book with you and talk about how the principles pertain to relationships.

The first principle is, “Take 100% responsibility for your life.” I’m going to “edit” that and say that the first principle of having a great relationship is, “Take 100% responsibility for your relationship.” That doesn’t mean that you alone have responsibility for the success of the relationship. What it means is you have 100% responsibility for how you behave and respond. If your relationship is on the rocks, take responsibility for getting it there. Each time you sulked, snapped, lied, or gave your sweetheart the cold shoulder, you made the choice to behave that way. It doesn’t matter what your spouse did or didn’t do. You can’t control your spouse, but you can control yourself.

Another success principle is, “Take action.” The reason it’s said, “Talk is cheap” is because promises—including promises made to yourself—mean nothing without action. If you’re not taking full responsibility for your relationship, then what action do you need to take? Well, you might start with letting go of excuses and blame. If your sweetie snaps at you, you have a choice in how to respond. If you choose to snap back and an argument ensues, you are 100% responsible for the choice you made and can’t justify your response by your sweetheart’s behavior.

A third success principle is, “Tell the truth faster.” Resentment can never be resolved until you spit it out. Jack says at page 337, “Underneath all resentments are unfulfilled needs and desires. Whenever you find yourself resenting someone, ask yourself, What is it that I am wanting from him that I am not getting? And then make the commitment to at least ask for it.” It may be uncomfortable to tell your sweetheart what you need and your sweetheart may say no, but if you don’t get the request out in the open, you have no chance of getting what you need. Unresolved resentment is like cancer, it grows until it kills. The faster you get rid of it, the healthier you’ll be.

The last of the 64 principles I’ll mention is, “Be a class act.”  Jack lists ten ways in which you do this, the first of which is, “Live by your own highest standards.” If you were to take a few minutes to write a list of your highest standards (which I recommend you do), I bet things like loyalty, honesty, and patience would be there. Regardless, the question is this: when it comes to your sweetheart and your relationship, are you living to your highest standards?

The best way to have an off-the-chart marriage is to be the best person you can be. Not just sometimes but all the time. It’s never too late to start!