Talk and Share

Years ago, there was a TV commercial for Lipton soup. A child ran into the kitchen and asked his mom, who was standing over a steaming pot, “Is it soup yet?” That phrase became a shorthand way of asking if something is done. Few us as are the same person at 40 as we are at 20—it takes time to become soup—which is why the younger the age at marriage, the more likely a divorce. As you and your partner simmer, on your way to becoming soup, the changes that inevitably occur can cause stress to your marriage or other committed relationship until one day you may find yourself saying, “You’re not the person I married.”

Relationships, like the people who form them, are dynamic. People change as life, time and experience affects them. It’s possible to outgrow your partner or for each of you to grow in such different directions that your relationship no longer makes sense. On the other hand, your relationship can survive—even thrive—if you share in three ways.

Share experiences. Even a seemingly insignificant experience can profoundly affect you. Example: Sharon, who had just turned 30, was taking a run and passed her neighbor, an old widower, who was sitting on his porch lovingly stroking his cat. Sharon thought how wonderful it was that the old man had the cat to keep him company. As the only child of career parents, she knew loneliness and, having just experienced a “decade” birthday, vowed to manage her life to avoid a reprise of her childhood loneliness in old age. Sharon told her husband Tim about seeing the old man and his cat. Tim then shared a story about his grandmother, who died before Sharon met Tim, and who loved her Cocker Spaniel more than life itself. Tim also shared, for the first time, what a positive influence his grandmother had been on him. This led Sharon to suggest that she and Tim get involved with a pets-for-seniors program. He agreed and that’s what they did. Sharon could have filed the experience in her psyche where it would quietly (and even subconsciously) influence the decisions she made in life. But by sharing it, she is not only more conscious of how the fear of old age loneliness affects her, but she and Tim discovered a way to together create a richer life.

Share your dreams. Verbalizing a dream helps make it reality and no one is in a better position to support you than your life partner. Example: Matt, an MBA, was on an upwardly mobile track at a consulting firm. Linda was an associate attorney at a national firm. They planned an affluent life in which both reached the top of the corporate ladder. Tucked away, beneath all Matt’s ambition, was his boyhood dream of being a forest ranger but that’s not what Matt’s parents envisioned for him. To be a “good son,” Matt did what was expected, adopting his parents’ dream as his own. As Matt became increasingly unhappy in a life that didn’t truly fit him, his relationship with Linda suffered. During a counseling session, the therapist asked Matt how the reality of his life differed from what he had envisioned. Matt thought he was joking when he said, “As a kid I wanted to be a forest ranger.” But when the words were said, the reality hit him. As Matt became soup, he changed from who Linda (and he himself) thought he was—a man who wanted to climb the corporate ladder—to a man who wanted an outdoor life. With his dream now in the open, Linda and Matt could reshape their goals so Matt could use his MBA knowledge to create a business giving hiking and whitewater rafting tours.

Share your feelings. Doing so helps you crystallize your own thoughts and allows you to learn from each other. Example: Ben and Sarah, expecting their first child, had friends who had just adopted a baby boy. It was an open adoption where the birth mother was permitted contact with the adoptive family and the baby. Ben said to Sarah, “I don’t think the birth mother should be allowed to see the baby. After all, she gave it up for adoption.” Sarah, who had never thought about it before, did so then. After a few moments of reflection, she replied, “Ben, the mother gave up the right to raise the baby, but not the right to love the baby.” Ben thought for a moment and said, “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” A conversation about what it means to be a parent ensued. They discovered they had differing points of view on spanking and several fundamental issues, and agreed to do some research, get some counseling, and resolve their difference before the baby was born. Each became a better parent as a result.

It all boils down to this: talk to each other. If you don’t communicate and share as you each become soup, you’re much more likely to grow apart than to grow closer. You will change. Your relationship will change as a result. It’s inevitable. By openly sharing your experiences, your dreams, and your feelings you greatly improve the odds of your relationship not only surviving but thriving.

Would you marry you? If you were/are single, are you the kind of person you’d be looking for and want to hook up with?

Sure, we all want a partner who is our version of the Perfect 10. But truth be told, we cross our fingers that said Perfect 10 will settle for a Strong 7 and overlook a few of our less than perfect traits. When you’re dating and doing your best to impress the object of your affection, you’ve got a couple of things working for you: (1) your sweetheart is blinded by falling-in-love hormones, and (2) you’re on your best behavior. You’ll never seem more like a Perfect 10 than in those too-short falling-in-love days.

Unfortunately, being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach—you can’t do it forever. The more comfortable you are in the relationship, the more likely you are to slide from a Perfect 10 to an Almost Perfect 9 to a Slightly Flawed 8 until you become the “real you.” It isn’t always pretty. Worse, at just about the same time you’ve become the “real you,” those falling-in-love hormones ease up so your sweetheart can see you (and all your flaws) more realistically.

Step outside yourself for a moment and then turn a critical eye in your direction.

Start with the outside. Do you take pride in your appearance? Are you carrying a few extra pounds? Are you in ratty old clothes more often than not? If your personal grooming and pride in your appearance have slacked off, there’s a good chance your partner’s assessment of your “perfection” has gone backwards a notch or two. Your sweetie may not have said a word but—and you can bank on this—your sweetheart has noticed.

Now, take a look at the inside. Do you like what you see and are you proud of you? Or, do you secretly agree with Woody Allen that you wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have you as a member?

Low self-esteem is a major cause of relationship failure. A person with low self-esteem has difficulty seeing issues clearly, often hears criticism where there is none, suffers from jealousy, is afraid to communicate openly and honestly, feels at fault for problems that arise in the relationship, and may be needy and dependent. People with low self-esteem often compensate by being overly critical of others, defensive, and self-protective. If you see yourself anywhere in that description, it’s time (perhaps past time) to do some work on you. The closer you are to the kind of person you’d want to marry, the better partner you’ll be. The better partner you are, the better relationship you’ll have.

Do you treat your sweetheart as you want to be treated? Yep, it’s that Golden Rule thing. If you want your sweetie to greet you with a smile, if you want your partner to respect your feelings, privacy, and opinions, if you want your honey to be respectful, and so on and so on, then you know what to do.

Are you as interesting as you’d like your partner to be? As charitable? As understanding, kind, and thoughtful? Does thinking about your answer to the mirror-mirror-on-the-wall question—would you marry you—make you squirm a bit?

If you have been able to identify any reason why you wouldn’t marry you, you now know what you need to work on to be a better partner.

Okay, I’m going to be honest. This is not an entirely original idea. It was inspired by Brenda and Gill, the most clever couple I’ve ever met when it comes to keeping things playful and spicy. For example, they’re fond of having candlelit black tie dinners for two and they each wear nothing but a black tie. They might spend Saturday night in a fiercely fought game of strip poker or bikini Twister. Yep, they like to to get naked which, as you might imagine, leads to the boudoir, which leads me to the point of this article.

In today’s economy, we all need to save and most of us have less do-re-mi to spend on a night on the town, let alone a weekend getaway. As a result, a couple’s date night too often involves a remote control and, before you know it, you’re in that rut you said you’d never fall into. So, try this on for size . . .

Put a decorative bag or box in the bedroom and every time you have sex, throw money in it. Pick an amount based on your economic ability and set a savings goal. Brenda and Gill wanted to go to Hawaii and, at the time (which was before this economic crunch) they could each afford $20 with every occasion of conjugal bliss. What’s more, they gave tips for exceptional performance and multiple Big O’s! It took them less than a year to earn that trip. And, I swear, I never saw them without a smile on their faces which leads to the next point.

More sex can be good for your bank account and it’s definitely good for your relationship and your health. This is a time in history when fear of job loss, worries about economic security, and everything from wars to oil spills to global warming to you name it, can lead to down-in-the-dumps lethargy or even full-on depression. Having sex is the antidote. Sex stimulates feel-good hormones and helps you stay in your happy place despite the economy. It relieves stress and who among us can’t use a little stress relief? It helps keep your immunity in tiptop shape. It increases and helps you sustain emotional intimacy. Now, more than ever, we all need feel-good hormones, to be in our happy place, to have less stress, be healthier, and have greater emotional intimacy. And who can’t use a bigger bank account?

Open your Sex Savings Account and start making deposits today. It doesn’t matter whether you toss in twenty bucks or a quarter. Make it within your economic reach, set a goal, and see how quickly you can get there. Next time you’re tempted to splurge on a fattening Starbucks coffee, think about adding to your Sex Savings Account instead. Rather than buy lunch, pack a brown bag and use the savings for a deposit to your Sex Savings Account. With a little thought you’ll come up with dozens of ways to spend less on stuff you don’t need and put more into your Sex Savings Account. You’ll have more money. You’ll feel better. You’ll smile more. And, you’ll be closer than ever to each other. Pretty cool, huh?

Negotiated infidelity. That’s the subject of “Sugarbabe” by Holly Hill, an Australian former mistress turned author. Her premise: keep your guy faithful to your relationship by letting him be unfaithful to you. Hmmmm . . .

Call me old fashioned. Call me narrow-minded. But I’m not one teensy bit interested in giving my sweetheart the nod to break a sweat with other women. Ms. Hill postulates that guys will be guys and, thus, we women might as well stop fighting human nature. That’s a bit like saying it’s a dog’s nature to bite so why train your dog to have good manners.

I was an estate planning attorney for 20+ years before I morphed into a relationship coach. Clients never ceased to surprise me. For example, my client Byron was the quietest, least assuming man I knew. He and his equally unassuming wife Mavis, both in their mid-60’s, were the last—I’m not kidding, the VERY last—people I would have pegged as swingers. Sure ‘nuff, they were. After Mavis died, Byron paid me a visit and I heard the whole story. Seems that he broke one of the cardinal rules of swinging—never get emotionally involved, it’s just sex. He and another woman fell for each other. Uh-oh. Complication! Well, he and Mavis worked it out but after Mavis died, Byron confided in and consulted with me because he was worried that the other woman might make some claim to his estate and he was rightfully concerned about his children having a peek at those still waters that had run so deep. I assured him it was unlikely, bade him good-bye, and sat in shocked silence, reminded once again to never judge a book by its cover.

Byron’s “lapse” demonstrates what to me is the issue in an open relationship or in what Ms. Hill describes as “negotiated infidelity.” How do you eliminate the risk of emotional attachment to the person you’re casually schtupping? Ms. Hill says you have to have rules. Her boyfriend is allowed to have sex with other women but he isn’t allowed to spend the night or spoon with anyone but her, and he can’t take any schtuppee on romantic getaways. There are rules for swingers, too. But rules, as they say, are made to be broken—as Byron proved. Okay, if not “made” to be broken, then certainly too easily broken. What would Ms. Hill think if her sweetheart forgot, just for a minute or two, that he’s not supposed to spoon another woman? Would he then be guilty of cheating? I suppose so. Safe physical sex is easily addressed. Safe emotional sex—not so easy.

I’m going to keep an open mind. Having such an arrangement may work for some couples and if so, who am I to say they’re wrong. If Ms. Hill and her sweetheart can make it work, more power to them. But I’m afraid there’s heartache ahead for Ms. Hill.

In my experience, both personally and working with couples over the years, the most fulfilling, satisfying, rewarding, and connected relationships are those in which the two partners reserve themselves—physically and emotionally—for each other.

There are plenty of so-called truisms out there, all designed to make us “okay” with things that aren’t “okay.” For example, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  We all know that’s baloney. Words can hurt like hell.

And how about this one: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This truism has been readily debunked by the medical profession. Simply put, if you don’t know your tapioca pudding is laced with rat poison, having dessert will definitely hurt—if not kill—you.

It’s in the context of relationships where this truism is far too often heard and used as justification for bad behavior. If your sweetheart never knows you’re having an affair, no harm done, right? Wrong! Living with a big fat secret means there’s a big fat part of you that you can’t share with your partner. That big fat secret is the source of emotional distance from your partner and what will keep you from being 100% present in your relationship. In short, it’s what YOU know—and what you must forever keep from your sweetie—that hurts your relationship and, thus, your partner. Your sweetheart may never know about your infidelity and may never realize that he or she doesn’t have all of you, but don’t think for one minute that just because “ignorance is bliss” that you haven’t taken away what should have been given to your partner.

Now, if you’ve already done the deed and mended your ways, then “let sleeping dogs lie” because “confession is good for the soul” but sucks if you’re on the wrong end of that confession. Going forward, just remember that if you surrender to temptation, you will forever shut down a part of you that should be shared with your sweetheart.

I’m not suggesting that you can’t have your secrets or your privacy. It’s not critical that you share every little detail of your past or present life with your partner. A juvenile marijuana arrest may be so far in the past as to be currently irrelevant. Your current cocaine use is another story. That you once gambled away thousands of dollars in a drunken stupor may be an embarrassment you never share. Secretly spending every lunch hour at the track after a quick stop at the ATM is another story.

When you behave in ways that you hope your sweetheart never learns about, you put emotional distance between you and your partner. Worrying that your partner will discover the truth creates stress and anxiety that get in the way of your being a 100% present and loving partner. That hurts you. It hurts your relationship. It hurts your sweetheart.

Acting with integrity, living an open life, and behaving only in ways that are okay for your sweetheart to observe allows you to give yourself fully to your partner and to be fully present in your relationship. Emotional intimacy is the hallmark of a great relationship and what sustains a couple through the rough patches. Doing anything that causes distance or interferes with emotional intimacy hurts everyone involved. So, the next time you’re tempted to do something that if “kept secret” won’t hurt, think again.

It was in grade school math that I first learned about reducing fractions to their lowest common denominator. I hated math. Still do. But, I’ve learned that “reducing to the lowest common denominator” is a great term for describing how, in human interaction, we “sink” to the most basic, least sophisticated level of those with whom we are engaging. If you’ve ever argued with a child, you know what I mean. Before you realize it, you’re on that kid’s level.

We all behave badly at times. We get angry and lash out, we are disappointed and have a meltdown, or we’re just grumpy for no apparent reason. When it comes to our primary relationship, the tendency to “reduce to the lowest common denominator” often results in the other partner mirroring bad behavior. The results are never pretty. Example:

Matt was responsible for preparing a complicated bid on a job for his engineering firm. An ill secretary and a finicky Internet connection were the tip of the what-went-wrong iceberg. With minutes to spare, Matt hit “send” on the email that submitted the bid. He left exhausted and cranky. Lila, who had a day of meetings, had that morning asked Matt to pick up dinner. He did. As he walked from the garage to the back door, the food bag broke. The potato salad container burst on contact. The roasted chicken popped out of its box and rolled under a hedge. Lila heard Matt’s expletive, she rushed to the door, and asked, “What happened?”

Matt snapped. “What happened?” he yelled. “I dropped dinner. The perfect end to a totally miserable day.”

“Why are you yelling at me? It’s not my fault,” Lila knee-jerk responded.

“If you hadn’t insisted I get dinner, this wouldn’t have happened,” he knee-jerk (albeit irrationally) responded back.

“So it IS my fault,” she shouted and stormed into the house, leaving Matt to clean up the mess.

Things go wrong—usually at the worst possible time. The oven malfunctions, the appetizer burns, and your snooty in-laws will arrive any minute to a smoke-filled house. The TV with the gi-normous screen you’ve been bragging about goes on the fritz moments before kickoff, and 22 of your buddies will miss the game of the century. As you’re leaving for your sister’s wedding the baby throws up on the perfect silk dress you shopped for months to find. The flight is cancelled and you’re late getting home from the business trip you didn’t want to take, causing you to miss your own birthday party. Few of us handle these moments with the poise and equanimity of a mature adult. Nope—at such moments, we’re sure there’s a cosmic conspiracy to ruin our life and, thus, a meltdown is justified.

What’s more, when our partner does or says something that hurts our feelings, angers, or disappoints, the natural tendency is to sulk or lash out. Our partner “reduces to the lowest common denominator” and, before you know it, you’re in an argument where words you’ll later regret are said.

Bad behavior is usually the manifestation of an underlying emotion. Jack wasn’t really blaming Lila for his bad day, he was just expressing his frustration. A meltdown is an expression of disappointment at things not turning out as hoped. Sulking and verbal attacks on our partner usually stem from hurt feelings.

While there may be no valid excuse for bad behavior, especially when taken out on our sweetheart, who among us hasn’t gone there. When it happens, the smart partner looks beyond the behavior and responds to the underlying emotion. By doing so, you avoid “reducing to the lowest common denominator,” help your sweetheart return to the world of sanity and reasonableness, and, most importantly, avoid damaging arguments.

One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all, you’ll have so much to talk about.  Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food.  We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel.  We also have a very fundamental difference.  I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type.  In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship.  Rewind the tape back to when we were first dating and on our way to an early evening BBQ.  I was contributing the salad and we were running late.  As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside.  It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful.  After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time.  That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life.  Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes.  While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful.  My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.   Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way.  Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered.  Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue.  Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time.  I win.  He wins.  Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Shela and Dale

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, there are random moments of intimacy that are too often missed. Watch for them. Savor them. Example: Lately, I’ve been engrossed with writing book #2 (which is why I’ve been missing in action the last few weeks) and hubby Dale has been engrossed in his YMCA garden project. Both of us tend to be like a dog with a bone when we’ve got a big project happening—so focused on what we’re doing that, when it comes to our relationship, we go on auto-pilot and forget to pay attention. The other night we went to a black tie fund raiser for a foundation started by a young mother who lost her son to SIDS. Most of the people there were of her generation so it didn’t take long before (1) Dale and I noticed we were old enough to be the parents of just about everybody there (ouch!), and (2) our feet began to hurt (double ouch!) We found two empty chairs where we could sit, rest our feet, chat and people watch. For once, we weren’t thinking about our respective projects. We were just together, right in the middle of the hubbub of a party, with a few hundred other people milling about. We held hands and laughed (somewhat ruefully) at our old age behavior. It wasn’t until I was telling a friend about our evening that I realized we had shared an intimate moment. I began to pay attention and, guess what, I began to see those random moments of intimacy that might otherwise have been missed.

Our two-year old granddaughter Kennedy said something in a crowded restaurant that her parents did not find amusing or cute. A glance, a quick smile at each other, an acknowledgment that we both had the same thought—she is soooooooo cute—that, under the circumstances, we couldn’t express out loud. An intimate moment.

The Beatles released the song “When I’m Sixty-Four” in 1967 when Dale was just 21 and 64 seemed very old indeed and very, very far away. Well, Dale just had his 64th birthday and while he doesn’t usually obsess about his age, turning 64—because of that darned song—made him feel old for the first time. A few days after his birthday we went to the theater and asked for senior tickets. The young man at the ticket booth said, “You don’t look like seniors. I’d swear you guys are in your 50′s!” Nice to hear but especially nice for Dale who was a bit embarrassed by how much he was beaming. I winked at him, acknowledging that I understood how good it felt for him to hear those words. An intimate moment.

A quick stop at Crate ‘n Barrel to pick up a replacement for a broken red wine glass. On a nearby shelf were the same martini glasses we’d used for Cosmos when we recently entertained good friends and, after they left, entertained each other in a particularly memorable way (wink-wink). I picked one up and held it for Dale to see. He smiled and I knew we were both thinking of the same night. An intimate moment.

Those little moments of random intimacy are jewels to be treasured. Keep an eye out for them!

You’ve no doubt experienced the disappointment of giving a gift that’s met with a lukewarm reception. Gift giving can be treacherous ground but you’ll have far greater success and pick up tons of Frequent Foreplay Miles if, before you whip out your credit card, you ask yourself these questions:

Does your sweetheart prefer things or experiences? I could surprise my sweetheart with a Porsche and he’d say, “Why? I already have a car.”  Never mind that his car is old and boring—it runs and that’s enough for him. He would, however, be ecstatic with tickets for an African safari. My guy isn’t about stuff. But he’ll jump at the chance to take in the opera, sky dive, white water raft, see a mountain for the first time, experience a new restaurant, climb a glacier, or float in a hot air balloon. Some people prefer things they can touch and see long after the gift was received; others prefer memories.

Is your sweetheart sentimental (and romantic) or practical (and not so romantic)? I have a girlfriend who thinks flowers are a waste of money and is tickled pink with a new toaster oven. My uncle thinks the latest and greatest screwdriver is the coolest gift ever. Others would be crushed to receive a toaster oven or a screwdriver no matter how needed or state-of-the art it may be.

What are your sweetheart’s special interests? My friend Larry loves everything trains. I love photography. My sweetheart is a classical musician and history buff. My daughter is a volleyball fanatic. I have a friend who has knitting needles in her hands 90% of her waking hours; her husband is into extreme sports. Just about everybody has something they’re especially interested in or enjoy doing.

What’s the occasion? Is it an “us” occasion such as an anniversary? Just because? A red letter day for your sweetheart? Regardless, every gift should be relevant and proportionate to the occasion (but always within your budget). Here are some examples:

• It’s your girlfriend’s birthday. She prefers experiences. She’s sentimental.  Plan an experience that will have sentimental value that, if possible, incorporates her interests: a trip to her hometown to see family she’s missing and have a family portrait made…tickets to the opera, and a corsage she can press and save…dinner with friends where she can show off the birthstone ring you slip on her finger as you’re walking out the door. If it’s a decade birthday, step it up and go the extra mile to make it an event that she will remember and cherish forever.
• Your husband hit a career milestone. He prefers things, is practical, and enjoys modern art. Memorialize the event in a tangible way: have a congratulatory ad published in the local newspaper and have it framed…select a piece of art for his office and attach a congratulatory note on the back…buy him a new suit and take him to the newest exhibit at the local art museum. If it’s a really BIG milestone, make it the Musée d’Orsay in Paris!
• It’s the anniversary of your wedding, first date, or other special day. The best “us” gift is something you will both enjoy doing and/or having. If you have different preferences, you’ll need to be a little more creative. For example, you might select a martini shaker, glasses and a book of martini recipes. There’s something tangible for the “thing” person and for the “experience” person there’s the fun of working your way from Apple Martini to Wasabi Martini or, perhaps, a martini party with good friends. Again, if this is a significant anniversary, step it up and make it truly memorable.
• You feel like doing something special for your sweetie. By now you’ve got the drill down. All I’ll say about “just because” gifts is that small is often the best, just a simple reminder that you’re thinking about the one you love.

Bottom line: the perfect gift reflects who and what your sweetie is and shows that you gave it more than passing thought.

Remember when you and your sweetheart first met? You counted the minutes until you saw him again. You called just to hear her sweet voice. The air was alive with the snap, crackle & pop of sexual energy. You couldn’t get enough of each other and you were always on your best behavior. It was easy to be playful.

Then, you settled into a routine and began to share everyday life. Being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach. You can’t do it forever. Eventually, the real you, foibles and all, made an appearance. It wasn’t and isn’t always pretty. Playfulness takes a back seat when he has to duck and take cover during your PMS tirade…or she has to put up with your road rage…or she promises but forgets to pick up your good suit from the cleaners and you have the most important meeting of your life the next morning…or he helps himself to a piece of the cake you made for a coworker’s birthday party…or when any one of the bazillion annoying things that can happen does.

What’s more, the mind-numbing fatigue that comes with everyday life has a way of squelching playfulness. When you were jacked up on new love hormones, you could shrug off the week from hell, strap on your dancing shoes, and let the good times roll. Now, when what used to be date night arrives, you too often find yourselves on the couch in your sweats, sharing delivery pizza and watching a Netflix DVD. Instead of lounging in bed after Saturday morning sex, you get a head start on weekend errands. It’s easy to slip into the rut you said you’d never fall into.

When playfulness disappears it leaves room for negative emotions such as crankiness, irritability and ill humor. That sucks. Playfulness inspires laughter. Laughter reduces stress and triggers feel-good hormones like endorphins. That does not suck. So, here are three ways to bring playfulness back and keep it alive:

Think like a child: Children find joy in play, often in the simplest things: a squirt gun, a Frisbee, a yo-yo, blowing bubbles, sidewalk chalk, a game of Twister, pillow fights, hide ‘n seek, a wading pool. Take a hint! It’s okay to act like children, even be silly, especially when to do so results is a good laugh or a fit of giggles. The cool thing about being playful adults (as opposed to playful children) is that it’s also okay if play takes you straight to the bedroom or, when you pull the cards out, you play strip poker instead of Go Fish.

Put fun on your schedule: Pick an activity (or two…or three) that will be fun for both of you and put it on your calendar as a regular, recurring event. Sign up for dance or cooking lessons, or join a bowling league or a co-ed softball team. It doesn’t matter so long as you both find it fun. Surprise your sweetie by scheduling a one-night stand and discover (or rediscover) the joys of hotel sex. Have a black-tie dinner for two and wear nothing but black ties. Use your imagination.

Flirt shamelessly with each other. Flirting is fun, sensual and titillating. Whisper in each other’s ear. Wink across a crowded room. Send suggestive text messages. Tuck her hair behind her ear. Adjust his tie. Dance provocatively. Whatever it was that worked in your dating days, just do it again. And, since you’ve past those early relationship days, you’re free to take it to a new level of sensuality and titillation! Toss caution to the wind and just go for it.

Playfulness. We can all use more of that.