My sweetheart Dale and me

When you hear the word “foreplay” do you automatically think of sex? Most people do. Fact is, foreplay comes in many different sizes, shapes, colors, and flavors. You see, foreplay isn’t just about sex. It’s also those things you do that make your sweetheart over-the-moon happy that he or she hooked up with you. It’s those things that make your sweetie feel high-on-a-pedestal adored, can’t-live-without-you cherished, and worship-the-ground-you-walk-on loved. Let me give you some examples of recent acts of foreplay here in the Dean household:

• Dale looked high and low to find and surprise me with coconut gelato because he knows the only ice cream I can’t say no to is coconut gelato. I love it and he wanted to do something I-love-you special for me so he went on the hunt.
• I warmed up the left over Chinese food when Dale came home exhausted from being on his feet all day. That doesn’t sound like much unless you know that I need a map to find the kitchen because I never go there. Dale does all the cooking. We had lived in our home for almost a year before I ever used the oven and when I did, I needed instructions. Cross my heart, that’s the sorry truth.
• I was chained to my desk, hammering out blog posts, when Dale walked into my office with a glass of wine, freshly made guacamole, and chips. He set the libations and food on my desk, and quietly exited so as not to break my train of thought.
• Dale had an important meeting about the garden he’s building for our local YMCA. I called him shortly before the meeting to wish him luck.
• As we were drifting off to sleep, we held hands.

Emotional foreplay isn’t about grand gestures. Oh, sure, I’d do (virtual) cartwheels if a new Porsche with a big red ribbon showed up in the driveway and Dale would kick his heels (he can really do that!) if I handed him tickets for a hike up Mt. Kilimanjaro, but you can only pull those kinds of surprises off once in a blue moon. It’s everyday that matters. It’s the little things, the thoughtful gestures that say, “I love you,” that really matter. Small gestures take so little effort yet have a HUGE positive impact on your relationship.

Think about it. What does it take to give your sweetheart a compliment, bring him or her a morning cup of Joe, top off a wine glass, pick up coconut gelato, make a phone call? It takes almost no effort. Pay attention to what your sweetheart likes, what’s important to him or her, and how he or she is feeling at that moment. Is he tired? Is she frazzled? Does he need encouragement? Does she need a little support? Do what you can to say, “I notice and I care.”

If you want a Wow! relationship, then remember that just as great foreplay is essential to a Wow! sex, great emotional foreplay is essential to a Wow! relationship. Foreplay. It’s something you do every single day. Start now.

Seduction: Not Just Another Date Night

Okay, this one is for the ladies’ eyes only but, in the end, it’s for the guys, too. So, girlfriends, when was the last time you planned to seduce your guy, and set the stage for a night of wild abandon? If it’s been a while (or even if it hasn’t), here’s an idea that will have him eating out of the palm of your hand and loving it.

Set a date for your sweetheart to meet you for a drink in the bar of a local hotel. Make it a nice one. Without telling him, reserve a room. Check in early so you can set the stage. Spritz the sheets with a soft scent. Don’t overdo it, make it subtle. Or, scatter rose pedals on the sheets. Put votive candles in every nook and cranny. Have champagne cooling in the ice bucket. Set up a picnic of finger foods to feed to each other. Make the main course an aphrodisiac such as oysters. Plug your iPod into speakers so you can play smoky, sultry jazz by someone like Cassandra Wilson. Put bubble bath in the bathroom for a soak. Have your sexiest lingerie ready to change into and have silk pajamas for him.

The day of the date, treat yourself to a spa treatment so you’ll be soft and touchable from head to toe. Give yourself a break from daily demands so you’ll be rested and ready for the evening. If you have kids, be sure to arrange for overnight babysitting.

At the appointed hour, meet your sweetheart in the bar wearing the sexiest dress you have and accessorize it with stilettos. Enhance your cleavage with a push-up bra. Enjoy a cocktail with your sweetheart at the bar, then hand your sweetheart the key to the room, and tell him you’ll see him in ten minutes. Race to the room, light the candles, and change into your lingerie. Turn on the music and stretch yourself seductively on the bed. When your sweetheart walks in, invite him to change into silk pajamas.

Take your time. Enjoy the picnic. Enjoy each other. Enjoy the luxury of being in a hotel room. Getting out of your environment and away from the everyday reminders of everyday life is a great way to have a sexy, one-night vacation. If a hotel room and a day at the spa aren’t in the budget, then give yourself every spa treatment you can and turn your bedroom into a hotel room.

Clean up all the clutter. Change the room to look different, e.g., change the bedspread or bring a chair into the room. Toss a throw on the bed or chair and add lots of pillows. Put fresh sheets on the bed and have the bed turned down with mints or fresh flowers on the pillows. Adapt the above instructions to home.

Nothing is more flattering or a bigger turn on than being seduced by your sweetheart. It’s fun to seduce. It’s fun to be seduced. Give it a try. I think you’ll like it.

Last week I was fortunate to sit at the knee of Jack Canfield and learn about the principles of success.  Jack is the amazingly successful co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, a book that began a phenomena in the publishing industry. Just the evening before, Jack learned they had sold a half billion books—500 million books and, yeah, baby, that pretty much redefines “success” in the publishing world. I immediately bought and began devouring Jack’s book The Success Principles, How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. I haven’t finished it yet but I couldn’t wait to share a bit of the book with you and talk about how the principles pertain to relationships.

The first principle is, “Take 100% responsibility for your life.” I’m going to “edit” that and say that the first principle of having a great relationship is, “Take 100% responsibility for your relationship.” That doesn’t mean that you alone have responsibility for the success of the relationship. What it means is you have 100% responsibility for how you behave and respond. If your relationship is on the rocks, take responsibility for getting it there. Each time you sulked, snapped, lied, or gave your sweetheart the cold shoulder, you made the choice to behave that way. It doesn’t matter what your spouse did or didn’t do. You can’t control your spouse, but you can control yourself.

Another success principle is, “Take action.” The reason it’s said, “Talk is cheap” is because promises—including promises made to yourself—mean nothing without action. If you’re not taking full responsibility for your relationship, then what action do you need to take? Well, you might start with letting go of excuses and blame. If your sweetie snaps at you, you have a choice in how to respond. If you choose to snap back and an argument ensues, you are 100% responsible for the choice you made and can’t justify your response by your sweetheart’s behavior.

A third success principle is, “Tell the truth faster.” Resentment can never be resolved until you spit it out. Jack says at page 337, “Underneath all resentments are unfulfilled needs and desires. Whenever you find yourself resenting someone, ask yourself, What is it that I am wanting from him that I am not getting? And then make the commitment to at least ask for it.” It may be uncomfortable to tell your sweetheart what you need and your sweetheart may say no, but if you don’t get the request out in the open, you have no chance of getting what you need. Unresolved resentment is like cancer, it grows until it kills. The faster you get rid of it, the healthier you’ll be.

The last of the 64 principles I’ll mention is, “Be a class act.”  Jack lists ten ways in which you do this, the first of which is, “Live by your own highest standards.” If you were to take a few minutes to write a list of your highest standards (which I recommend you do), I bet things like loyalty, honesty, and patience would be there. Regardless, the question is this: when it comes to your sweetheart and your relationship, are you living to your highest standards?

The best way to have an off-the-chart marriage is to be the best person you can be. Not just sometimes but all the time. It’s never too late to start!

When you say I'm sorry, mean it.

You screwed up. You inadvertently stepped on your sweetheart’s toes. Or you were in a foul mood and behaved accordingly. Or you were a knucklehead and said or did the wrong thing. Now it’s time to make amends. You know from experience that simply saying, “I’m sorry!” doesn’t cut it even if you really are sorry. So, how do you express regret in a way that your sweetie not only gets it, but is willing to forgive you?

First and foremost, don’t bother unless you really mean it. Nothing adds more insult to injury than a fake, just-saying-this-to-shut-you-up apology. The only real apology is a genuine apology.

For a forgive-me to be heard and accepted your sweetie has to believe that you understand what you did and how it made him or her feel or it’s as meaningless as the apologies little kids are forced to give when they snatch a crayon away from another little kid. The best way to do that is to recount the event, show an awareness of what happened, and acknowledge the damage. For example:

“When we were at Bill and Linda’s house for dinner and you were telling the story about having your pocket picked on our trip, I interrupted you and corrected you several times. That was rude and inconsiderate. I fully understand that I embarrassed you and that my behavior was inappropriate. I should have kept my big mouth shut and let you tell the story your way. From now on, I’m going to try harder to bite my tongue. I love you and I’m very sorry I embarrassed you and hurt your feelings.”

This type of apology:

• Acknowledges and validates your sweetheart’s feelings;
• Shows that you take accountability for your actions; and
• Gives your sweetheart assurance that it won’t happen again because you’ve expressed awareness of what you should have done.

Once you have given a genuine apology, the ball is now in your sweetheart’s court. Forgiveness may depend in large part on your history. If you’ve apologized in the past for the same behavior, your sweetie may have a more difficult time accepting your apology—again. You see, forgiveness isn’t unconditional. It comes with the tacit (or express) understanding that the forgiven behavior won’t be repeated.  A surefire way to have your apologies accepted is to have a good track record.

If you’ve made a genuine apology but your sweetheart isn’t ready to accept and, instead, wants you to jump through a few even-the-score hoops, be careful. Answer questions if your sweetheart has them, repeat your apology if necessary, fill in what may have been missing the first go ‘round, but don’t grovel. You do not need to sacrifice your dignity by begging, pleading, and hoop jumping. That’s likely to lead to a bitter argument and resentment.

Reconciliation takes two: one to apologize and one to forgive. Remember that the next time your sweetheart needs your forgiveness. If you want your sweetie to be generous with forgiveness, you do the same.

Honey, where are you?

Back when Dale and I were first spending nights together at my home, I gave him the guest bath to use. One morning, as we were getting up to prepare for our day, he asked, “Can we shower at the same time?” I said, “Sure!” and headed off to my shower, hopped in, got the temperature just right, and was ready for sexy, sudsy, morning delight. About the time I began to wonder where he was, my water went ice cold and I learned, up close and personal, just how effective a cold shower can be while he happily showered in the guest bath with the warm water diverted from my shower.

What Dale meant was, “Can we run both showers at the same time?” What I heard was, “Can we shower together?” George Barnard Shaw sure got it right when he said, “The problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Dale and I had a good laugh about what happened, but it gave me pause to wonder how many times were we under the illusion that communication had taken place when, in truth, it had not.

It happens in all relationships—you just flat out misunderstand the simplest of communications. And as if that weren’t enough of a problem, we all have filters through which we hear things.  If Joe observes, “The rice is salty,” and Sally hears, “You’re a terrible cook,” she’s interpreting his statement-of-fact comment through her low self-esteem filter to hear criticism that’s not there. It’s this filtering that leads to unexpressed grudges and resentment as well as arguments that start something like this:

“You said [fill in the blank].”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“No, I didn’t!”
“Well, in so many words you did!”

When you find yourself tweaked over something your sweetheart said, be absolutely certain—before you blow a gasket—that you’re not under the illusion that communication has taken place when it hasn’t. If you find yourself doing an in-so-many-words analysis of something your sweetheart says, there’s a darned good chance you’re misinterpreting through a distortion-causing filter. When, as a result of something your partner says, you feel angry or hurt, use those emotions as teaching moments, opportunities to discover filters that need to be tossed out.

In the example given above, if Sally often hears criticism in what Joe says, it’s possible that he really is critical. It’s also very possible that Sally needs to work on her self-esteem so she can stop hearing nonexistent criticism.

If you believe that your partner loves you, then don’t assume the worst. Try always to interpret your sweetie’s words in a light most favorable to him or her. When you can’t, ask for clarification BEFORE you lash out. We communicate with our partner all day long, everything from see-you-later good-byes to we-need-to-talk thorny issues. What I learned from my cold shower is that even the simplest communication can be misunderstood. Be careful in what you say AND be especially careful in what you hear.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

The greatest gift we bestow upon our children is to live an exemplary life, one they can emulate. But let’s be honest. Who among us hasn’t at one time or another done something we regret and that we hope no one will ever discover. We are all guilty of poor judgment—driving while drunk, walking out of a store without paying for a candy bar, doing illegal drugs, a seemingly innocent office flirtation that went too far, or  taking an unreasonable risk. We’ve all done things that ended with our asking, “What was I thinking?”

It’s easy to slam Arnold Schwarzenneger and, believe me, I am not his defender. Having said that, I believe him when he says he’s truly sorry and I don’t believe that it’s just because he got caught. Like any dad, he loves his children and he is no doubt dying a thousand deaths that his kids have to bear witness to the consequences of a very poor choice. He’s asking himself, “What was I thinking?” The enormity of the price-tag for whatever momentary “benefit” he got has only begun to sink in. Not just for him, but for his entire family, including the innocent boy who will forever carry the moniker “Arnold’s love child.”

So, now that Arnold has very publicly screwed up, what, if anything, can he and Maria Shriver teach their children? If we can discern anything from what little bit Patrick and Katherine (two of the children) have had to say about it, Arnold and Maria appear to have already laid the groundwork for lessons learned. Both kids have Tweeted that they love their family very much. That’s a good start. The lessons to be learned are these:

We all make mistakes. Every one of us. Compassion, forgiveness, and understanding are necessary in every relationship. How Maria handles this situation is very important to the lessons her children learn. She does not have to take Arnold back into her loving arms and it’s not likely that she will. He has big-time betrayed her trust and if she’s some kind of pissed off, who can blame her? However, by taking the high road, she can show her children that, despite the consequences and the enormity of the betrayal, Arnold is no different than the rest of us. We all make mistakes. Their love for their father should not be conditioned on his perfection.

There are consequences to our choices. One completely stupid choice on Arnold’s part has irrevocably altered the course of his and his family’s life. If there is anything for all of us to learn from this tragic situation, it is that we should think twice, maybe thrice, before we do something we know we shouldn’t do. And that doesn’t extend just to things that are dishonest or immoral. I caught Oprah one day when she did a show on this very subject. One heart-breaking story involved a mother who had left her four children in her van for the two minutes it took for her to run into the house. She even thought about it, knew she shouldn’t leave the kids alone, but, because it was a pain in the neck to get all four kids out of the car and back in again, she convinced herself it would be okay for just a few minutes. One of the children played with the cigarette lighter and the car caught fire. Two of the children were severely burned. I think about that Oprah show every time I’m tempted not to wear my seat belt, to drive faster than I should, to drive after one glass of wine too many. What if the worst thing imaginable really did happen? I would be asking myself, just as Arnold is, and just as I’m sure you’ve asked yourself, “What was I thinking?”

We must take responsibility for our actions. This one falls squarely on Arnold’s shoulders. Up until now, he hasn’t exactly stepped up to the plate. Time will tell if, now that the cat is out of the bag, he will show his children how to man-up.

So, yeah, Arnold made a really dumb choice and, boy oh boy, is he paying for it. I hope, however, that from this very sour lemon, Arnold and Maria make a little lemonade for their kids and if they do, then they will have been good parents who, through a difficult situation, will teach their children some of life’s greatest lessons.

Dating while married is more than having occasional fun together

“Dating” is to marriage what “foreplay” is to sex. Dating is the seduction phase of a relationship, the equivalent of the human mating dance where every move is designed to seduce the object of your adoration into loving and wanting you as a mate. In short, once the sparks begin to fly, you intuitively understand that if you’re going to “seal the deal” and get this amazing person to mate with you, you’d better do everything you can to impress, please, and show your best side—not just occasionally, but all day, everyday, 24/7. That’s emotional seduction through emotional foreplay.

Unfortunately, we humans think (at a subconscious level) that just as sexual foreplay is no longer necessary once sex has taken place, put-your-best-foot-forward emotional foreplay is no longer necessary once we’ve sealed the deal with wedding rings. Courtship was successful, we conclude, and, therefore, there’s no more need for the mating dance. There is a major flaw in that reasoning, however, and it is this: marriage, as divorce statistics readily prove, is not irrevocable. It is a choice, one we make daily and, therefore, if you want your partner to choose every day to be with you, then you must emotionally seduce your partner by engaging in everyday emotional foreplay just as you did when you were dating.

Emotional foreplay is doing those things that resonate with your partner as loving, kind, thoughtful, supportive, positive, and generous. It is those things you do that make your partner feel cherished, appreciated, and special. It’s putting your best foot forward. It’s keeping your promises and agreements. It’s being responsive to your partner’s needs and wishes. In short, everyday emotional foreplay is doing exactly what you did when you were dating.

Are you doing that? Do you hold the door for your sweetheart, fill his or her wine glass, and are otherwise thoughtful, kind and polite? Do you say thanks for the little things? Do you surprise your sweetheart with small but meaningful gifts? Are you attentive and a good listener? Do you find ways every day to make your sweetheart’s day a little easier or more pleasant? Do you text, email or call just to say hello? If so, then you’re an ace at emotional foreplay.

Or have you gotten lazy, critical, thoughtless and self-centered? If so, and if you want to keep your relationship, then remember this: just as great foreplay is essential to Wow! sex, great emotional foreplay is essential to a Wow! relationship.

Dating while married isn’t about the occasional “date night.” While it’s good for you and your relationship to get out together, dating while married isn’t so much about dressing up and going out on the town as it is about maintaining the mindset you had when dating, i.e., when you were laser-beam focused on emotionally seducing the person who became your spouse. Dating after marriage is about everyday emotional foreplay and the reason it is so important for you to continue dating after marriage is that if you don’t, you may find yourself single, doing for another what you should have been doing for your partner all along.

Subscribe to my Everyday Foreplay blog and download a complimentary copy of my book.

I have years of conflict resolution under my belt. In my prior life, as an estate attorney, I watched families nearly come to blows over who would get the beaten-up old armoire, and I’ve seen others peacefully divide diamonds and fortunes. Those who learned how to handle day-to-day conflicts are definitely better at the really big issues that life inevitably throws at all of us.

Handling conflict with ease is a skill worth developing, especially in our marriages. In a way, conflict resolution is like a dance. It requires both partners to know the steps and to execute them properly. And, just as you can learn to dance, you can learn conflict resolution. In dance, you start with the good old four-point box step, then build on that to learn the more complicated moves, like the tango—a dance in which no one is the leader all the time, you take turns. Good point. In conflict resolution, you have to be willing and able to step up and step away from the “lead.” In other words, successful conflict resolution requires that both partners be willing to “lose” and to let the other guy “win.” If you insist on always getting your way, you’ll soon be dancing alone. And if you don’t stand up for yourself, you’ll constantly have sore toes from having them stepped on.

If you’re tired of daily arguing and bickering, here’s my suggestion: invite your partner to dance. Agree on the basic steps: speak and listen. Easily said, not always easily learned. If necessary, get a dance instructor—a relationship coach—to help you. Without the basic steps—the ability to honestly and calmly say what’s on your mind, to appropriately stand up for yourself, to really listen and hear and to let go of a stubborn need to win—you’ll never learn the conflict resolution dance.

Start by practicing on the garden variety, day-to-day stuff. It should go without saying that the first step in minimizing conflict is don’t create it. It’s not necessary to get your undies in a knot over every little thing. When, however, there is genuine conflict, start with the following:

• If you usually acquiesce to whatever it is your partner wants, just to avoid the argument (and in so doing, build a mountain-high pile of resentment), stop! Resist the urge to give in, listen to what your partner is really saying and then share your own thoughts and ideas. The more you do this, the easier it will get.
• If you usually push and pull until you get your way, stop! Say what’s on your mind, calmly and honestly, and then encourage your partner to do the same. The more you practice self-restraint, the easier it will get.

Don’t worry about making someone right and the other wrong. Let go of the concept of “winning” and “losing.” This is an exercise in avoiding that. The idea is to build a new comfort level with the little things, to learn a new way of communicating and a back-and-forth dance that leaves room for each of you to move. If you master sharing your needs honestly and hearing each other—without criticism or excuses being the first language you turn to—you’ll be better able to handle the tougher issues that we all face.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

Get your download of Shela’s best-sellling book at no cost by signing up for her Everyday Foreplay Tips. http://EverydayForeplay.com

Making a list and checking it twice.  Sadly, most of the lists we create aren’t the type that end in a pile of gifts wrapped in silver and gold.  When it comes to our relationship, they’re usually honey-do lists, or worse, a long mental list of grudges and annoyances we carry around like a bag of rocks. And to make matters worse, as most of us know, it’s really easy to fall into a relationship rut, even without realizing, and end up with roll-your-eyes annoyed or shrug-your-shoulders boredom as your constant companions.

Yep, before you know it, you and your can’t-live-without honey find yourselves sitting in front of the TV nine days out of ten and only really talking to one another when something goes wrong.  Why is that?  Don’t we want to connect to our lovers as more than housemates and business partners?  Have we just forgotten how to connect over anything that isn’t an “issue?” Of course not. We just need to be more diligent about seizing the opportunities to be together.

I am a huge proponent of actually getting out and doing fun and silly things together.  I think all relationships should find outside interests to do as a couple (and individually) to keep you interested—and interesting. Take a course, shoot pool, play tennis, go bird watching … the list is honestly endless. So get out your calendars and plan some dates. Just for the fun of it though, right in this very moment, I thought I’d give you a new twist on an old game to help you connect with your honey over something whimsical. So grab a nice bottle of something interesting this evening, and instead of the same old TV shows, try this new twist on a good old-fashioned game of Sexy Mad Libs. Take turns answering and have fun filling in the blanks!

#1. I would like you to _________________ my ____________________. (If you said “wash” and “car,” you really are in a rut. Come on, get with the program here!)

#2. My favorite words to hear from you are _________________________.

#3. I wish you would ______________________________.

#4. My favorite memory of us is when we __________________________.

#5. It drives me crazy, in a good way, when you ___________________.

#6. My biggest secret turn on is _______________________________________________.

Okay, now that you’ve filled out your Mad Libs, take action and deliver on what your sweetie wrote down. You’ll be out of your rut, at least for a little while and that’s a very good thing.

Take the time to play. It’s fun and if you end up laughing until you cry, that’s a bull’s eye. Laughter truly is the antidote to boredom, anger, grudges and resentment. Tap into your Inner B Type! Stop to smell the roses, to play a few games, and to enjoy your sweetie for no particular reason whatsoever. You feel more connected and a lot less bored. 

So whaddya say? Go ahead. Roll the dice, collect the money from free parking, pass GO and land in jail, yell bingo, break the bank. There are more times than not when life really can be fun and games.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

Get your download of Shela’s best-sellling book at no cost by signing up for her Everyday Foreplay Tips.  http://EverydayForeplay.com

Dating isn't something you do, it's a mindset.

You’ve heard it said that familiarity breeds contempt. Taken literally, that means the better you know someone, the more contempt you’ll feel for that person. I dunno.  I know my husband really, really well and I’m not contemptuous of him at all.  I think, however, that in a relationship, familiarity can breed boredom and laziness.

Nobody knows for sure what causes the first spark of attraction to fly. What we do know is that once the spark flies, your brain goes into overdrive. It oozes a hormone cocktail that has the same affect as cocaine. Really. That’s why new love is so seductively intoxicating, why you can’t think of anything else, and the air is alive with the snap, crackle ‘n pop of sexual energy. You’re quite literally high on your own hormones. It’s the best feeling ever. We never want it to end.

We like that feeling so much that we’re afraid it’ll slip through our fingers. So, we do everything within our power to “secure” the relationship and in so doing unwittingly destroy the very thing we hope to capture forever. Here’s why:

Dating and falling in love is a phase in the continuum of a long-term relationship that has exactly the opposite attributes of a marriage. What we love (and crave) about that phase is the adrenalin rush, the excitement, the spontaneity, the edginess of being vulnerable and emotionally at risk, the mind-blowing desire for the object of our obsession.  What we want in marriage is safety, security, predictability and routine. Do you see the problem?

Sure, you read somewhere that it’s a good idea for married folk to have date night as a way to keep the sparks flying. So, you have an occasional (or regular) night out. You do your best to tune out distractions, focus on each other, and spend quality time before returning to reality. That’s a good thing—well, at least it’s better than nothing. But here’s the deal: you can go on 50, 500 or even 5,000 “great dates” that include everything from an intimate home picnic to a Paris junket and still be left wondering what happened to that indescribably delicious feeling you had back when you were 24/7 dating. So let’s not confuse an intermittent dinner-and-movie date night with “dating.” Dating isn’t a thing you do from time to time. Dating is a mindset coupled with behavior.

When you were dating you were eager to impress and to please. You put your best foot forward. You were generous, attentive, and quickly stepped up to any plate. Of course you did, you were doing your best to win the heart of your beloved. Once you won that heart, sealed the deal with a ring, and were secure in the relationship, what happened? You stopped putting your best foot forward so that your less attractive attributes showed up. You weren’t quite as eager to please or impress. You got lazy and complacent.

If you want to keep the spark alive, then adopt a dating mindset. Treat your spouse the same as you did when you weren’t so sure that he or she was part of your happily ever after. Be eager to please and impress. Be attentive, generous and quick to step up to the plate. If you don’t, then the end of your story may be just the opposite of what you hoped back when you were falling in love. Oh, and while you’re at it, as the married-you, be just as creative in the romance department as you were when you were the dating-you!