Jon and Kate

Okay, I know that every person on the planet has weighed in on the Jon & Kate marriage debacle. I’ve wanted to give them the “privacy” they deserve even if they are hell-bent on airing their dirty laundry in public. But, with this last bit of news—the cops being summoned to the house—I can’t help myself. It’s easy to point the finger of blame and say that Kate is a control freak and drove Jon out the door. It’s also easy to see that Jon’s maturity level is apparently just a point or two above that of his young children. But, come on, folks, “fault” is a blurry line. They are both “at fault” and I, for one, say none of us knows—or can know—the bazillion little things that chipped away at the intimacy they once shared. Like most relationships that fail, their marriage suffered death by a thousand cuts.

Ask anyone if infidelity can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course,” as if you had asked the dumbest question in the history of the world. Ask that same person if once forgetting your sweetheart’s birthday can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course not!” as if you had asked the second dumbest question in the history of the world. That person would be wrong. A forgotten birthday might be the last in a long string of little hurts and disappointments that seals a relationship’s fate. We’ll never know (Jon and Kate may not even know) what little cut sapped the last bit of vitality from the Gosselin marriage.

In my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy (to be released next month) I talk about racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles by doing those things that resonate with your sweetie to build a reservoir a good will to draw on when you screw up. Jon & Kate blew that one. They each lost more Frequent Foreplay Miles than they earned. Divorce is

Ashton & Demi

the result. Contrast that to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.  Ashton is featured in the August 14 edition of TIME and in answer to a question about what he does for Demi to score points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles), he says that he tries “to do things without keeping score, without expecting something in return or without having an agenda.” Good for him. The fact is, however, we all keep score. Here’s how it works: Your sweetheart brings you coffee in bed, 5 points. It follows a night of wild sex, 30 points bonus. You have a crazy busy day at work, your sweetheart has lunch delivered to your office, 30 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10 point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 10. Your sweetie leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side, 15 point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50 point penalty. Sure, we don’t keep a numerical score. But, we give greater emotional significance to those things that affect us the most. If that weren’t true then a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigod! factor as a new toaster oven. Infidelity would get you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill.

Remember this: When it comes to creating and sustaining intimacy in your relationship, the little stuff counts. It counts big time. Never miss an opportunity—large or small—to pick up Frequent Foreplay Miles. Avoid losing them whenever possible.

Reserve an autographed copy of my new book to learn more!