Want more intimacy- in and out of the bedroom? Learn how with

Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy

It's fun. It's easy. And it works.

Posts Tagged ‘couples communication’

Constructive Criticism Seldom Is

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

“You have more butt than you need, but you have a nice shape.” That’s the closest my hubby Dale has come to criticizing me and to be honest, his comment was merely a verbal observation of fact. I now have more butt than when the comment was made, but he’s never said another word about it. Bless him.

Coupling up bestows permission to say things (e.g., about your sweetie’s butt) that might not otherwise be appropriate. However, there’s a very thin line, over which you ought not to step, between criticism and comments such as that made by Dale. Criticism trashes emotional intimacy. Here’s why: To be justified in criticizing another person, the following must be true:

• You are right and the other person is wrong,
• You are superior in position or knowledge, and
• You have the right to voice criticism and demand certain behavior.

Your sweetheart’s boss, drill sergeant, mother, coach, personal trainer, or professor may meet that criteria but, as your partner’s equal, you do not. What you are (or should be) is the one person on the planet who your partner can always, absolutely, no questions asked, no doubt about it, count on for support. If you want emotional intimacy (and who doesn’t) then never, ever cause your partner to question that support.

You already know that shouting, “You’re lazy!” is more likely to result in the cold shoulder than help around the house. “No, honey, you’re wrong,” won’t endear you to your partner. “You could lose a few pounds,” is likely to get you cut off from you-know-what for several weeks! I don’t need to remind you that overt criticism plays havoc with intimacy. What we all need to remember is that it’s those situations where we’re tempted to give “constructive criticism” that are tricky. Here’s an example:

Your sweetheart is down in the dumps because, in his annual review, the boss said he’s too independent. It may be accurate to say, “Playing well with others is not your strong point. You need to work on that.” And your intention may be loving and the criticism may arguably be constructive, but would it be helpful? Probably not. There’s a good chance your partner will interpret your comment as siding with the boss, who at that moment is public enemy #1. What does that make you?

In this example, supporting your sweetheart doesn’t mean going on a rant about how clueless the boss is. It means saying and doing those things that will help your sweetheart come to his own conclusion about how to best handle it. Until asked for your advice and your help, keep it to yourself. When asked, be careful to give suggestions that are helpful and supportive WITHOUT expressing a single critical word. It’s not up to you to point out your sweetheart’s flaws or to tell him or her how to fix those flaws. If you need to fix something, work on yourself.

To be emotionally intimate, you must be connected. Criticism severs that connection and has no place in an intimate relationship. Noel Coward said it best, “I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.”

Forgiveness: Is it Unconditional?

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

Forgiveness. It’s a topic we hear a lot about when it comes to marriage and relationships. Lord knows there’s plenty to forgive and I, for one, am grateful for a partner who has a generous and forgiving heart. But I ask you, for all the talk and hoopla about the “virtue” of forgiveness, why isn’t there more said about the conditions under which one is forgiven? You, in return, might ask, “Isn’t forgiveness supposed to be unconditional?”  Well, according to idealistic gurus it is, and that would be just dandy if we were perfect human beings. We’re not.

The truth is that forgiveness is conditioned on better behavior in the future. It chaps my hide that so many people think saying, “I’m sorry” is a cure-all that entitles the transgressor to immediate and unconditional forgiveness. That may have worked in kindergarten when you grabbed another kid’s crayon and were forced to give it back with an equally forced apology, but it doesn’t work in grown-up life.

If your sweetheart lies to you once, gets busted, and you forgive, don’t you expect that in exchange for that forgiveness, your sweetie promises not to do it again? What will you do if it happens over and again? Most likely, you’ll stop forgiving, revoke all prior forgiveness, and take a hike. At the very least, your trust will be shattered.

Most failed relationships don’t end because of one major body blow; most suffer death by a thousand cuts, none of which are individually lethal but all of which cumulatively sap the life out of a once vibrant relationship. Since it’s inevitable that we will screw up, it’s a good thing that most cuts can be healed through forgiveness. But here’s a 411 for you: the wound may heal but what’s left is emotional scar tissue. It’s a fact: scar tissue is weaker and inferior to the healthy tissue it replaces. That’s true for physical wounds and equally true for emotional wounds. Every time you do something that requires your sweetheart’s forgiveness, you are weakening the relationship.

Like most things in life, the hurts and disappointments we suffer (and inflict) are relative, ranging from inadvertent to thoughtless to deliberate to downright mean. It’s easy to forgive when your sweetie inadvertently steps on yours toes, much harder to forgive when the person who’s supposed to love you deliberately stomps on your foot. Your partner may give you a get-out-of-jail-free card the first few times you screw up, but you keep doing the same thing and that inadvertent or thoughtless behavior eventually becomes deliberate. Example: If your sweetheart tells you that not calling when you promise to call is a no-no, somewhere about the tenth time you do it, your sweetheart will construe your behavior as deliberately inconsiderate and will stop forgiving you.

Little things count BIG time in every relationship. A forgotten promise to call, by itself, won’t destroy a relationship. The cumulative effect of many broken promises will. So pay attention to the little things, don’t rely on the good nature and generous heart of your sweetheart, and avoid doing those things for which you know you’ll need forgiveness. Then, when you do screw up, your sweetheart will be a lot more generous. And, your relationship will be a lot more intimate.

Your sweetheart’s forgiveness is a finite resource. Use it sparing.

The Palin Marriage

Saturday, November 21st, 2009

Recently I was asked to comment on the rumors that Todd and Sarah Palin are close to splitsville. My initial response was, “How would I know that?” No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and, of course, you have to consider where the rumors are coming from: Levi Johnston and Sarah’s detractors.

But I did the usual Google search and came across a bunch of pictures of them. Here’s what I noticed: While they were both in the pictures, there was no sense that they were “together.” For example, in one picture they are dancing on the evening of her gubernatorial inaugural ball. They are both smiling but they are both looking in different directions.  I found this to be true with the only exception being what appears to be an I-love-you-big-time hug following Sarah’s speech at the Republication National Convention.

Sarah and Todd have been together 20 years and have faced down challenges. She says their marriage is strong and that rumors of divorce are false. Some would say, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” We’ll see. What I do know is this:

Sarah Palin was a big fish in a smaller pond where she could be home to help with the kids and running the house. Now, she’s swimming in a much bigger pond and it appears that Todd is home doing the laundry, taking care of the house and the children. While he appears to be her number 1 fan, that change in dynamics can take its toll.  I hope, especially for the sake of the Palin children, that both Todd and Sarah remember to rack up their Frequent Foreplay Miles.

Intimacy: When Less is More

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Hubby Dale and a guy friend sat on their boat knocking down a few beers and whiled away a lazy afternoon by listing body “ations”—urination, expectoration, perspiration, etc. I tried, but failed, to imagine doing the same with a girlfriend. We would identify the three most important “ations”—exfoliation, ovulation and menstruation, three these two geniuses missed—and then go shoe shopping.

Like it or not, “ations” are part of life. When you’re cheek by jowl it’s impossible to pretend, as you do in those early getting-to-know-each-other days, that you’re the only person on the planet who doesn’t experience them. At some point, one or the other of you will fart, belch, or leave the bathroom in need of fumigation. One bit of relaxed behavior leads to another and before you know it, you’re sharing—perhaps over-sharing—all those “ations.”

It’s not fair to stereotype but it seems to me that most guys never quite get over their middle-school fascination with body functions, especially flatulation and eructation (belching). There’s even a certain pride that some men take in “ations” as if the louder the belch or the more pungent the flatulence, the more manly they are. I. Do. Not. Get. It.

Okay, I admit it. I sometimes see the humor. Dale and I were at a Wednesday afternoon matinee, the favorite showing for folks from the retirement community. During a quiet moment Dale coughed so hard he ripped one. A really loud one. The elderly woman in front of Dale reached up and patted her head as if she feared the blast had dislodged her wig. We could not stop laughing and had to leave.

Then there’s grooming. In a perfect world, we’d all wake up as they do in the soaps—perfect hair, perfect make-up, no morning breath. You wouldn’t need to floss or brush your teeth, clip your toenails, exfoliate, mud pack, shave, or file your calluses. It’s soooooooooo not a perfect world.

I think most body functions and grooming should be done behind closed doors. Dale is more relaxed. I’m convinced he’d never seek privacy but for the fact that he reads on the john and doesn’t want to be disturbed. Oddly, the one thing that grosses him out is watching me put my contacts on. You may consider that as weird as I do, but it does demonstrate an important point. When it comes to body functions and grooming, it’s a good idea to know when you’re crossing your sweetie’s “that’s disgusting” line. We all have our quirks. Kathy is grossed out by teeth flossing, Elijah by ear wax on Q-Tips. I need complete privacy to groom my feet. Nail clippings make Rebecca want to hurl. Respect your sweetheart’s quirks and avoid the gross out.

It may be impossible to maintain the same level of propriety you would around a total stranger, but remember this: In an intimate relationship, there are times when less is more.

Creating Intimacy with Private Jokes

Monday, September 7th, 2009

Have you ever been with a couple and one says something to the other that seems to make sense only to them? You say, “What?” They say, “Private joke,” and give each other a meaningful glance. I was working on the chapter in my book about humor and it occurred to me that it’s often from humorous situations that “private jokes” arise. E.g., Dale and I were on a camping tour of Manu Reserve in the Peruvian Amazon basin. Dale was in heaven and although it was pretty cool to wake to the sound of howler monkeys and see poison dart frogs in their natural environment, there’s a reason why a rain forest is called a rain forest. Wet. Hot. Humid. Camping. No shower. REALLY big bugs. Ugh! On the tour were four other couples, including Lucinda and Graham from London where an umbrella is an everyday accessory. While the rest of us drowned rats huddled in an open canoe wearing cheap plastic ponchos purchased on the streets of Cuzco, Lucinda and Graham were cuddled under the giant umbrella they thought to bring with them. As if this weren’t annoying enough, they were also irrepressibly chipper—of course they were, they were dry! Every morning, they’d get up and describe the previous night in a moldy old tent as, “Brilliant!” By the fifth day, I was pretty cranky and, frankly, tired of Lucinda and Graham. Dale (normally a very funny guy) was having the time of his life and attempted to make a joke with our non-English speaking Peruvian guide who, of course, didn’t get it. I grabbed Dale by the lapels, pulled his face close to mine, and said through clenched teeth, “Dale, you are not funny in the rain forest!” Without blinking an eye, he looked down at me and said, “Graham thinks I’m funny.” I cracked up. Now, years later, when I fail to find Dale as humorous as he thinks he is, I say, “This is the rain forest.” He knows to get serious but before he does, he often adds, “Graham thinks I’m funny,” and it always makes me smile.

The phrase “not pregnant” also has a special meaning for us. It means “don’t make assumptions.”  Here’s how that one came about: We were on our way to an afternoon matinee. I was driving my hot little Mustang, chatting and not paying close enough attention, when I rear-ended a van. We pulled into the closest parking lot and while I went to speak to the driver, Dale ran to the passenger side to make sure no one was hurt. He yanked the door open and blurted out to the large woman reclining in the seat, “Oh, my God, you’re really pregnant!” She wasn’t. Ha!

Bottom line:  Every couple in love builds their own little “world” of shared experiences, code words, meaningful glances, and gestures only they understand. It’s part of what makes a couple a couple. It’s pretty darned intimate when you two are the only ones in a crowded room to share a “private joke.”

Creating Intimacy a Few Minutes at a Time

Friday, July 24th, 2009

Greg Behrendt, comic and co-author of He’s Just Not that Into You, once said to me,

“Being famous is necessary for me to do what I love to do.” He’s right about that. If he weren’t famous, who’d come to his shows? Instead of lining up to buy tickets, people would say, “Greg who?” His comment made me realize that, while it may be dangerous to get between some celebrities and a camera, most celebs are just put-their-pants-on-one-leg-at-a-time people who are famous because it’s necessary for them to do what they do. The reward for fame is often fortune; the price tag is living with constant media and public scrutiny. Talk about pressure! We admire famous couples who maintain perspective and keep it together. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward immediately come to mind. The flip side: Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Regardless of what you think of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they seem to be the real deal when it comes to being a couple. I was touched by comments that Brad recently made as reported in People. He described how content he is with his life. Regarding his partner Angelina Jolie, he said, “We make time for ourselves. Its very important for every relationship.” Right you are, Brad.

You may not be famous but you’re busy, busy, busy. It’s easy to let your relationship take a back seat to the job, the kids, the volunteer work, the demands of everyday life, until one day you find yourselves wondering where the love went. The hallmark of a healthy relationship is intimacy—in and out of the bedroom. Here’s an idea for you: At the end of each day, before you turn the lights off, take a few minutes to be together. Really together. No TV. No kids. Touch each other. It doesn’t have to be (but can be!) a sexual touch. Hold hands in silence for a few minutes; you’ll be amazed at how connected you’ll feel. Even better: snuggle and see where it leads!

What we can learn from Rachel and Chariot

Sunday, July 19th, 2009

Have you ever noticed how some people have longer, more intimate relationships with their things than they do with each other? Maybe there’s something to learn. Consider Rachel. She’s 89 years old. In 1964 she bought a Mercury Comet Caliente and named it Chariot. They’ve been together ever since. It’s a relationship that’s lasted 540,000 miles and longer than Rachel’s three marriages. As she says, Chariot has never lied to her, never cheated on her, and is 100% reliable. There you go. The secret to a long relationship. There’s more. Rachel dotes on Chariot, memorializes every birthday, keeps a scrapbook of every invoice, and makes sure Chariot is properly serviced (another secret to a happy relationship?!?!!!). She even has a diagram of all the points where Chariot should be lubed (oh, boy, now my imagination is really running wild) that she gives to the mechanic and she never leaves the car’s side when it’s being serviced. Rachel says she knew she’d keep the car forever and made it a point to buy parts with lifetime guarantees. Now that’s commitment.

I recall my ex-husband once saying he thought I loved my cat more than I loved him. Well, as I pointed out to him, Fluffy never asked if I’d put on a few pounds, never asked when the laundry would be done, and always purred at the slightest touch.

If we treated each other with the same loving devotion that Rachel has treated Chariot, if we were as forgiving, loving and responsive to our sweethearts as our pets are towards us, maybe there would be a lot less divorce in the world.  Something to think about.

Enjoy the video.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZlAdfgzPoc]

Blah-Blah-Blah Moments

Monday, June 8th, 2009

Sometimes I think communication between sweethearts is a lot like the Gary Larson cartoon where, in the first frame, the man is speaking to the dog in English. The caption reads, “What the man is saying.” In the next frame, the man is saying, “Blah, blah, blah,” and the caption reads, “What the dog is hearing.”

Back in our dating days, after hubby Dale had started staying nights at my house, I had given him the guest bath to use. One morning, as I was heading for my shower, he asked, “Can we shower at the same time?”

“Sure!” I responded enthusiastically and then quickly hopped into my shower and waited for him.  Minutes later the water went ice cold and I learned just how effective “taking a cold shower” can be. So much for the morning shower sex I was expecting!

We had just had a blah-blah-blah moment. What I heard was, “Can we shower together?” What he asked was, “Can we run both showers at the same time?”  Luckily, we were able to figure it all out and laugh about it. Too often, however, couples have a blah-blah-blah moment and they don’t realize it or, worse, it leads to a misunderstanding that results in resentment or a simmering grudge. When something your sweetheart says causes you any negative emotion whatsoever, asking yourself Question #3 of your Foreplay Back-Pocket Guide—How can I interpret my sweetheart’s behavior in a positive light so (s)he doesn’t lose Frequent Foreplay Miles?—can help you translate blah-blah-blah into English. Give it a try!

I Hate Reality Checks

Monday, June 8th, 2009

I am a nut cake about being on time.  I hate being late and it makes me crazy when others keep me waiting.  Dale, on the other hand, is relaxed about time commitments.  In the early days of our relationship, he was late often enough that my belief about him became “he is always late.”   I came to expect that he would not arrive at the appointed time.  My thought process would go something like this:  Dale is always late which is rude.  He has no respect for me or my time and thinks his time is more valuable.  That is arrogant and self-centered.  Yada yada yada . . . until I had myself all worked up and royally pissed off so that even when he was prompt, I began our time together in a less than generous state of mind.  Not good.

Here’s the reality check:  Dale’s Foreplay Navigator on this issue is different from mine.  To him, what’s a few minutes here or there?  If someone keeps him waiting, he doesn’t get his shorts in a knot; he entertains himself until the doorbell rings.  If it’s important to catch a plane, he’s there.  When there’s room for slide, he relaxes.

After several years of getting my own “shorts” in a knot about this issue, I decided that maybe I needed to be more generous in the way I thought about my honey and the time issue.  I had to roll down the window and take in some air on this one.  I will admit that it took me a while, but I finally figured out how to do just that. First, I recognized that for Dale, it is not mutually exclusive to be late and still have respect for me.  He isn’t arrogant or self-centered; he’s an in-the-moment kind of guy,-something I admire about him.  It would be arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue, Now, I don’t demand perfection; I simply support Dale in being successful by letting him know when it’s important that he arrive on schedule, and I give him Frequent Foreplay Miles when he’s on time.  Because Dale has learned how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock.  He wins, and I win, and we’re both much happier.

Of course, I would have preferred that he just saw it my way in the first place!

Cardboard Tulips = Frequent Foreplay Miles

Monday, June 8th, 2009

One of the coolest things about Frequent Foreplay Miles is the bazillion ways in which you can earn them.  Here’s a great example that came from one of my workshop attendees . . .

Susan had a particularly bad day at work, starting with a computer crash and the resignation of her top programmer.  Stan wanted to have flowers waiting for Susan when she got home.  Her favorite flowers are tulips but they were out of season.  So, instead of live flowers, Stan found a photograph of a bouquet of tulips, blew it up on his computer, printed it, pasted it to cardboard, and then cut it out to the shape of the bouquet.  When Susan got home, the cardboard tulip bouquet, accompanied by a sentimental note from Stan, was standing in a crystal vase where Susan would immediately see it.

What made this so meaningful to the emotional Susan is that she is fond of romantic gestures while the pragmatic Stan finds them a bit silly and contrived.  That goofy cardboard bouquet of tulips landed squarely within Susan’s Foreplay Navigator, made her laugh, and instantly lifted her spirits.  Sure, she would have appreciated any flowers, but it was Stan taking himself outside his comfort zone to do something “so Susan” that so profoundly showed his love for her she was able to let the stress of the day take a back seat to the joy of her relationship.  Wow!

Way to go, Stan!

Copyright © 2010 · Frequent Foreplay Miles · All rights reserved