When you say I'm sorry, mean it.

You screwed up. You inadvertently stepped on your sweetheart’s toes. Or you were in a foul mood and behaved accordingly. Or you were a knucklehead and said or did the wrong thing. Now it’s time to make amends. You know from experience that simply saying, “I’m sorry!” doesn’t cut it even if you really are sorry. So, how do you express regret in a way that your sweetie not only gets it, but is willing to forgive you?

First and foremost, don’t bother unless you really mean it. Nothing adds more insult to injury than a fake, just-saying-this-to-shut-you-up apology. The only real apology is a genuine apology.

For a forgive-me to be heard and accepted your sweetie has to believe that you understand what you did and how it made him or her feel or it’s as meaningless as the apologies little kids are forced to give when they snatch a crayon away from another little kid. The best way to do that is to recount the event, show an awareness of what happened, and acknowledge the damage. For example:

“When we were at Bill and Linda’s house for dinner and you were telling the story about having your pocket picked on our trip, I interrupted you and corrected you several times. That was rude and inconsiderate. I fully understand that I embarrassed you and that my behavior was inappropriate. I should have kept my big mouth shut and let you tell the story your way. From now on, I’m going to try harder to bite my tongue. I love you and I’m very sorry I embarrassed you and hurt your feelings.”

This type of apology:

• Acknowledges and validates your sweetheart’s feelings;
• Shows that you take accountability for your actions; and
• Gives your sweetheart assurance that it won’t happen again because you’ve expressed awareness of what you should have done.

Once you have given a genuine apology, the ball is now in your sweetheart’s court. Forgiveness may depend in large part on your history. If you’ve apologized in the past for the same behavior, your sweetie may have a more difficult time accepting your apology—again. You see, forgiveness isn’t unconditional. It comes with the tacit (or express) understanding that the forgiven behavior won’t be repeated.  A surefire way to have your apologies accepted is to have a good track record.

If you’ve made a genuine apology but your sweetheart isn’t ready to accept and, instead, wants you to jump through a few even-the-score hoops, be careful. Answer questions if your sweetheart has them, repeat your apology if necessary, fill in what may have been missing the first go ‘round, but don’t grovel. You do not need to sacrifice your dignity by begging, pleading, and hoop jumping. That’s likely to lead to a bitter argument and resentment.

Reconciliation takes two: one to apologize and one to forgive. Remember that the next time your sweetheart needs your forgiveness. If you want your sweetie to be generous with forgiveness, you do the same.

Honey, where are you?

Back when Dale and I were first spending nights together at my home, I gave him the guest bath to use. One morning, as we were getting up to prepare for our day, he asked, “Can we shower at the same time?” I said, “Sure!” and headed off to my shower, hopped in, got the temperature just right, and was ready for sexy, sudsy, morning delight. About the time I began to wonder where he was, my water went ice cold and I learned, up close and personal, just how effective a cold shower can be while he happily showered in the guest bath with the warm water diverted from my shower.

What Dale meant was, “Can we run both showers at the same time?” What I heard was, “Can we shower together?” George Barnard Shaw sure got it right when he said, “The problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Dale and I had a good laugh about what happened, but it gave me pause to wonder how many times were we under the illusion that communication had taken place when, in truth, it had not.

It happens in all relationships—you just flat out misunderstand the simplest of communications. And as if that weren’t enough of a problem, we all have filters through which we hear things.  If Joe observes, “The rice is salty,” and Sally hears, “You’re a terrible cook,” she’s interpreting his statement-of-fact comment through her low self-esteem filter to hear criticism that’s not there. It’s this filtering that leads to unexpressed grudges and resentment as well as arguments that start something like this:

“You said [fill in the blank].”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“No, I didn’t!”
“Well, in so many words you did!”

When you find yourself tweaked over something your sweetheart said, be absolutely certain—before you blow a gasket—that you’re not under the illusion that communication has taken place when it hasn’t. If you find yourself doing an in-so-many-words analysis of something your sweetheart says, there’s a darned good chance you’re misinterpreting through a distortion-causing filter. When, as a result of something your partner says, you feel angry or hurt, use those emotions as teaching moments, opportunities to discover filters that need to be tossed out.

In the example given above, if Sally often hears criticism in what Joe says, it’s possible that he really is critical. It’s also very possible that Sally needs to work on her self-esteem so she can stop hearing nonexistent criticism.

If you believe that your partner loves you, then don’t assume the worst. Try always to interpret your sweetie’s words in a light most favorable to him or her. When you can’t, ask for clarification BEFORE you lash out. We communicate with our partner all day long, everything from see-you-later good-byes to we-need-to-talk thorny issues. What I learned from my cold shower is that even the simplest communication can be misunderstood. Be careful in what you say AND be especially careful in what you hear.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

The enemy of a great relationship is complacency. It begins so innocently. You forget how attractive, funny or caring your honey is because you’re together all the time. You get wrapped up in your “stuff” and forget to do the little, day-to-day things that make your sweetheart aware of your love. You forget how good life feels because you picked someone amazing and the lottery win of being picked back. Before you know it, you reach the relationship expiration date— the day one of you wakes up and thinks, “What am I doing here?”

The antidote to complacency is dating. Unfortunately, many couples stop dating once the deal is struck. Continuing to date after marriage or committing to a life partnership, however, is critical to keeping the ooh-la-la factor alive IF you do it right. Here’s how:

Set the stage for a great date long before the date begins. Not every date has to end in sex, but it’s sure nice when it does! After all, you already know you’re going home to the same bedroom. As I tell my audiences and the couples I coach, foreplay is all day, everyday. It does not begin when her warm body slides up next to his. It begins at breakfast and continues throughout the day. It’s the small gestures, the acts of kindness, the thoughtful, sweet and loving things you do that warm things up emotionally. You see, for great sex you need to stimulate two vital organs—the brain and the heart. Once that happens, you’re ready for the other kind of foreplay! Oh, and don’t forget the good night kiss at the door or a little make-out session in the car. Just because you’re crossing the threshold together doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a little spice-it-up time before you do.

Dress the part. Flash back time: remember how you used to prepare for a date with each other? Ladies, you thought all day about what to wear, you were flossed and glossed gorgeous, smelled heavenly, and felt sassy. Guys, you were showered and shaved, smelled great, wore nice clothes, and had the car washed. Do it again. Get dressed up for each other! Lookin’ hot casts a magic spell of deliciousness.

Find a quiet space. Dating your mate is so much more than dinner, the same old conversation, and a movie where you can’t talk at all. It’s about being together. You need to turn off the noise so you can turn on one another. Sometimes that means literally going to a quiet place where you can hear each other—an intimate restaurant, a bench by the ocean, or even the back seat of your car. And, it always means turning off the noise in your head and paying attention to your sweetie whether you’re talking ‘til dawn or dancing ‘til dawn.

Leave the grind behind. Nix the crap you usually talk about—this is not the time to talk about your kid’s grades, the jerk at work, or the home repairs that need to be done. This is the time to talk about the stuff you used to talk about when you were first dating. If necessary, plan ahead by making a list of topics. Be an attentive listener. Ask questions. A nod of your head, the touch of your hand, laughter or a smile, show that you are fully engaged and present. The best conversations, the ones where you learn about your sweetheart (and sometimes about yourself), happen only when all the background static is silent.

Remember, this is a date. It’s your time to be fun, relaxed, flirty and sexy with the person you love and adore. Keep it sweet and don’t forget dessert!

Shela Dean is a Relationship Coach, Speaker and Amazon Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. She is also the author of the popular Everyday Foreplay blog. Subscribe today!

Intimacy in our committed relationship. It can be so elusive. Sure, you get snippets of it here and there—enough to make you long for the real deal. You get glimpses of what achieving the Nirvana of connections is all about, You want it. You crave it. You even know what it takes to get it. Too often, however, the desire for intimacy is overcome by fear, the fear of being naked and exposed in front of someone who has the power to hurt you when you are most vulnerable.

You can experience physical intimacy with your duds on—a hug, a kiss, holding hands—but the ultimate intimacy is sans clothing, skin-on-skin, lights on. To be naked in front of another person is to be exposed and vulnerable. Even the most secure of us, will think twice about shedding jeans and tee-shirt if the last time you did, your sweetheart said, “You oughta do something about that gut.”  Being clothed makes us feel protected and allows us to hide what at least we perceive to be our flaws. This is even more so when it comes to emotional intimacy.

You can—to a point—be emotionally intimate with mental “clothing” to protect those bits and pieces of your life that are painful, embarrassing, or shameful. When you are willing to go only so far, however, you cheat yourself of a truly intimate connection. It’s human nature to hide those things we fear will affect how others (especially our sweetheart) feel about us. To experience that deep connection we all crave, however, you have to strip down to emotional vulnerability. Let me give you an example:

Julie and Darren had been dating for several months and one night were lingering over a bottle of wine, sitting on the floor of Julie’s living room, fingers intertwined. Soft jazz was playing in the background and they were talking, still getting to know each other. Darren could be described as a man’s man. Julie referred to him as her Marlboro Man, just the kind of guy she liked. He was active in sports and Julie speculated that he was the guy who always ended up as the team captain. When she made that comment, Darren went quiet for a moment, and looked at Julie as if he were engaged in an internal debate. She raised her eyebrows as if to say, “What?” Darren kissed her fingertips and then began telling the story of how, when he was in the Army going through basic training, he was chosen as the platoon leader. A couple of guys in the platoon took a disliking to Darren and one night filled his shoes with human excrement, discovered by Darren only when he went to put his shoes on. Threats against Darren resulted in his being segregated and protected from the rest of the platoon until the situation was resolved. “So much,” he concluded, “for being the Marlboro Man,” and then said, “I’ve never told anyone about that before.”

In telling this story, Darren let Julie know that there was much more to him than the Marlboro Man exterior that she found so attractive. He took a big emotional risk but, oh boy, did it pay off. Julie was so touched that Darren had entrusted her with this story, she fell more madly in love with Darren, vowed to always be worthy of his trust, and knew that Darren was worthy of her trust as well. It was a moment, for both of them, of the kind of intimacy that is the hallmark of a truly great love.

Trust to the tenth power is what makes both physical and emotional intimacy possible. To give it and to get it, get naked.

Talk and Share

Years ago, there was a TV commercial for Lipton soup. A child ran into the kitchen and asked his mom, who was standing over a steaming pot, “Is it soup yet?” That phrase became a shorthand way of asking if something is done. Few us as are the same person at 40 as we are at 20—it takes time to become soup—which is why the younger the age at marriage, the more likely a divorce. As you and your partner simmer, on your way to becoming soup, the changes that inevitably occur can cause stress to your marriage or other committed relationship until one day you may find yourself saying, “You’re not the person I married.”

Relationships, like the people who form them, are dynamic. People change as life, time and experience affects them. It’s possible to outgrow your partner or for each of you to grow in such different directions that your relationship no longer makes sense. On the other hand, your relationship can survive—even thrive—if you share in three ways.

Share experiences. Even a seemingly insignificant experience can profoundly affect you. Example: Sharon, who had just turned 30, was taking a run and passed her neighbor, an old widower, who was sitting on his porch lovingly stroking his cat. Sharon thought how wonderful it was that the old man had the cat to keep him company. As the only child of career parents, she knew loneliness and, having just experienced a “decade” birthday, vowed to manage her life to avoid a reprise of her childhood loneliness in old age. Sharon told her husband Tim about seeing the old man and his cat. Tim then shared a story about his grandmother, who died before Sharon met Tim, and who loved her Cocker Spaniel more than life itself. Tim also shared, for the first time, what a positive influence his grandmother had been on him. This led Sharon to suggest that she and Tim get involved with a pets-for-seniors program. He agreed and that’s what they did. Sharon could have filed the experience in her psyche where it would quietly (and even subconsciously) influence the decisions she made in life. But by sharing it, she is not only more conscious of how the fear of old age loneliness affects her, but she and Tim discovered a way to together create a richer life.

Share your dreams. Verbalizing a dream helps make it reality and no one is in a better position to support you than your life partner. Example: Matt, an MBA, was on an upwardly mobile track at a consulting firm. Linda was an associate attorney at a national firm. They planned an affluent life in which both reached the top of the corporate ladder. Tucked away, beneath all Matt’s ambition, was his boyhood dream of being a forest ranger but that’s not what Matt’s parents envisioned for him. To be a “good son,” Matt did what was expected, adopting his parents’ dream as his own. As Matt became increasingly unhappy in a life that didn’t truly fit him, his relationship with Linda suffered. During a counseling session, the therapist asked Matt how the reality of his life differed from what he had envisioned. Matt thought he was joking when he said, “As a kid I wanted to be a forest ranger.” But when the words were said, the reality hit him. As Matt became soup, he changed from who Linda (and he himself) thought he was—a man who wanted to climb the corporate ladder—to a man who wanted an outdoor life. With his dream now in the open, Linda and Matt could reshape their goals so Matt could use his MBA knowledge to create a business giving hiking and whitewater rafting tours.

Share your feelings. Doing so helps you crystallize your own thoughts and allows you to learn from each other. Example: Ben and Sarah, expecting their first child, had friends who had just adopted a baby boy. It was an open adoption where the birth mother was permitted contact with the adoptive family and the baby. Ben said to Sarah, “I don’t think the birth mother should be allowed to see the baby. After all, she gave it up for adoption.” Sarah, who had never thought about it before, did so then. After a few moments of reflection, she replied, “Ben, the mother gave up the right to raise the baby, but not the right to love the baby.” Ben thought for a moment and said, “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” A conversation about what it means to be a parent ensued. They discovered they had differing points of view on spanking and several fundamental issues, and agreed to do some research, get some counseling, and resolve their difference before the baby was born. Each became a better parent as a result.

It all boils down to this: talk to each other. If you don’t communicate and share as you each become soup, you’re much more likely to grow apart than to grow closer. You will change. Your relationship will change as a result. It’s inevitable. By openly sharing your experiences, your dreams, and your feelings you greatly improve the odds of your relationship not only surviving but thriving.

There are plenty of so-called truisms out there, all designed to make us “okay” with things that aren’t “okay.” For example, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  We all know that’s baloney. Words can hurt like hell.

And how about this one: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This truism has been readily debunked by the medical profession. Simply put, if you don’t know your tapioca pudding is laced with rat poison, having dessert will definitely hurt—if not kill—you.

It’s in the context of relationships where this truism is far too often heard and used as justification for bad behavior. If your sweetheart never knows you’re having an affair, no harm done, right? Wrong! Living with a big fat secret means there’s a big fat part of you that you can’t share with your partner. That big fat secret is the source of emotional distance from your partner and what will keep you from being 100% present in your relationship. In short, it’s what YOU know—and what you must forever keep from your sweetie—that hurts your relationship and, thus, your partner. Your sweetheart may never know about your infidelity and may never realize that he or she doesn’t have all of you, but don’t think for one minute that just because “ignorance is bliss” that you haven’t taken away what should have been given to your partner.

Now, if you’ve already done the deed and mended your ways, then “let sleeping dogs lie” because “confession is good for the soul” but sucks if you’re on the wrong end of that confession. Going forward, just remember that if you surrender to temptation, you will forever shut down a part of you that should be shared with your sweetheart.

I’m not suggesting that you can’t have your secrets or your privacy. It’s not critical that you share every little detail of your past or present life with your partner. A juvenile marijuana arrest may be so far in the past as to be currently irrelevant. Your current cocaine use is another story. That you once gambled away thousands of dollars in a drunken stupor may be an embarrassment you never share. Secretly spending every lunch hour at the track after a quick stop at the ATM is another story.

When you behave in ways that you hope your sweetheart never learns about, you put emotional distance between you and your partner. Worrying that your partner will discover the truth creates stress and anxiety that get in the way of your being a 100% present and loving partner. That hurts you. It hurts your relationship. It hurts your sweetheart.

Acting with integrity, living an open life, and behaving only in ways that are okay for your sweetheart to observe allows you to give yourself fully to your partner and to be fully present in your relationship. Emotional intimacy is the hallmark of a great relationship and what sustains a couple through the rough patches. Doing anything that causes distance or interferes with emotional intimacy hurts everyone involved. So, the next time you’re tempted to do something that if “kept secret” won’t hurt, think again.

It was in grade school math that I first learned about reducing fractions to their lowest common denominator. I hated math. Still do. But, I’ve learned that “reducing to the lowest common denominator” is a great term for describing how, in human interaction, we “sink” to the most basic, least sophisticated level of those with whom we are engaging. If you’ve ever argued with a child, you know what I mean. Before you realize it, you’re on that kid’s level.

We all behave badly at times. We get angry and lash out, we are disappointed and have a meltdown, or we’re just grumpy for no apparent reason. When it comes to our primary relationship, the tendency to “reduce to the lowest common denominator” often results in the other partner mirroring bad behavior. The results are never pretty. Example:

Matt was responsible for preparing a complicated bid on a job for his engineering firm. An ill secretary and a finicky Internet connection were the tip of the what-went-wrong iceberg. With minutes to spare, Matt hit “send” on the email that submitted the bid. He left exhausted and cranky. Lila, who had a day of meetings, had that morning asked Matt to pick up dinner. He did. As he walked from the garage to the back door, the food bag broke. The potato salad container burst on contact. The roasted chicken popped out of its box and rolled under a hedge. Lila heard Matt’s expletive, she rushed to the door, and asked, “What happened?”

Matt snapped. “What happened?” he yelled. “I dropped dinner. The perfect end to a totally miserable day.”

“Why are you yelling at me? It’s not my fault,” Lila knee-jerk responded.

“If you hadn’t insisted I get dinner, this wouldn’t have happened,” he knee-jerk (albeit irrationally) responded back.

“So it IS my fault,” she shouted and stormed into the house, leaving Matt to clean up the mess.

Things go wrong—usually at the worst possible time. The oven malfunctions, the appetizer burns, and your snooty in-laws will arrive any minute to a smoke-filled house. The TV with the gi-normous screen you’ve been bragging about goes on the fritz moments before kickoff, and 22 of your buddies will miss the game of the century. As you’re leaving for your sister’s wedding the baby throws up on the perfect silk dress you shopped for months to find. The flight is cancelled and you’re late getting home from the business trip you didn’t want to take, causing you to miss your own birthday party. Few of us handle these moments with the poise and equanimity of a mature adult. Nope—at such moments, we’re sure there’s a cosmic conspiracy to ruin our life and, thus, a meltdown is justified.

What’s more, when our partner does or says something that hurts our feelings, angers, or disappoints, the natural tendency is to sulk or lash out. Our partner “reduces to the lowest common denominator” and, before you know it, you’re in an argument where words you’ll later regret are said.

Bad behavior is usually the manifestation of an underlying emotion. Jack wasn’t really blaming Lila for his bad day, he was just expressing his frustration. A meltdown is an expression of disappointment at things not turning out as hoped. Sulking and verbal attacks on our partner usually stem from hurt feelings.

While there may be no valid excuse for bad behavior, especially when taken out on our sweetheart, who among us hasn’t gone there. When it happens, the smart partner looks beyond the behavior and responds to the underlying emotion. By doing so, you avoid “reducing to the lowest common denominator,” help your sweetheart return to the world of sanity and reasonableness, and, most importantly, avoid damaging arguments.

One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all, you’ll have so much to talk about.  Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food.  We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel.  We also have a very fundamental difference.  I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type.  In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship.  Rewind the tape back to when we were first dating and on our way to an early evening BBQ.  I was contributing the salad and we were running late.  As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside.  It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful.  After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time.  That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life.  Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes.  While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful.  My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.   Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way.  Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered.  Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue.  Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time.  I win.  He wins.  Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Shela and Dale

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, there are random moments of intimacy that are too often missed. Watch for them. Savor them. Example: Lately, I’ve been engrossed with writing book #2 (which is why I’ve been missing in action the last few weeks) and hubby Dale has been engrossed in his YMCA garden project. Both of us tend to be like a dog with a bone when we’ve got a big project happening—so focused on what we’re doing that, when it comes to our relationship, we go on auto-pilot and forget to pay attention. The other night we went to a black tie fund raiser for a foundation started by a young mother who lost her son to SIDS. Most of the people there were of her generation so it didn’t take long before (1) Dale and I noticed we were old enough to be the parents of just about everybody there (ouch!), and (2) our feet began to hurt (double ouch!) We found two empty chairs where we could sit, rest our feet, chat and people watch. For once, we weren’t thinking about our respective projects. We were just together, right in the middle of the hubbub of a party, with a few hundred other people milling about. We held hands and laughed (somewhat ruefully) at our old age behavior. It wasn’t until I was telling a friend about our evening that I realized we had shared an intimate moment. I began to pay attention and, guess what, I began to see those random moments of intimacy that might otherwise have been missed.

Our two-year old granddaughter Kennedy said something in a crowded restaurant that her parents did not find amusing or cute. A glance, a quick smile at each other, an acknowledgment that we both had the same thought—she is soooooooo cute—that, under the circumstances, we couldn’t express out loud. An intimate moment.

The Beatles released the song “When I’m Sixty-Four” in 1967 when Dale was just 21 and 64 seemed very old indeed and very, very far away. Well, Dale just had his 64th birthday and while he doesn’t usually obsess about his age, turning 64—because of that darned song—made him feel old for the first time. A few days after his birthday we went to the theater and asked for senior tickets. The young man at the ticket booth said, “You don’t look like seniors. I’d swear you guys are in your 50′s!” Nice to hear but especially nice for Dale who was a bit embarrassed by how much he was beaming. I winked at him, acknowledging that I understood how good it felt for him to hear those words. An intimate moment.

A quick stop at Crate ‘n Barrel to pick up a replacement for a broken red wine glass. On a nearby shelf were the same martini glasses we’d used for Cosmos when we recently entertained good friends and, after they left, entertained each other in a particularly memorable way (wink-wink). I picked one up and held it for Dale to see. He smiled and I knew we were both thinking of the same night. An intimate moment.

Those little moments of random intimacy are jewels to be treasured. Keep an eye out for them!

Scorekeeping. You’ve been told it’s death to your relationship but I’m going to give you three reasons why, when done right, it’s good for your relationship.

1. It’s a human nature “lemon” so you might as well make lemonade. Mother Teresa and Gandhi aside, we all keep score. It’s human nature to notice if your sweetheart has AGAIN “forgotten” to call, left dirty dishes in the sink, embarrassed you, hurt your feelings, broken a promise, “won” the argument, or bestowed bragging rights with a fabulous gift or an out-of-the-ballpark home run of thoughtfulness. You know if your sweetheart’s score is over the moon, well into the black, good enough to squeak by, dipping into the red, or subterranean. That’s because we assess everything from whether to get a pet to quitting our job by calculating the pluses and minuses.

In a relationship, you’re constantly giving and deducting points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). Your sweetie brings you coffee in bed, plus 5. Morning coffee follows a night of wild sex, 30-point bonus. You have a crazy day of meetings and your partner delivers lunch to your office, 20 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10-point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 20. Your honey leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side of the bed, 15-point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50-point penalty.

True, we don’t give or deduct actual points, but we give greater emotional weight to those things that most affect us. If that weren’t true, a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigosh! factor as a new toaster oven and infidelity would land you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill. It’s a fact: We keep score.

2.  Keeping score keeps you on your best behavior. We all love to win and hate to lose. We all want to please and don’t want to disappoint. So, it follows that if you’ve got a choice between picking up or losing points, you’re more likely to bite your tongue than make some snarky remark, pick up your stinky gym socks, keep your promise to bring home mint chocolate chip ice cream, be on time, call when you’re out of town, refrain from swearing in front of your mother-in-law, surprise your sweetie with a gift, make thoughtful gestures, be kind, and so on and so on. Consciously doing those things that result in getting points and avoiding doing those things that result in lost points is bound to make your relationship better.

3.  Keeping score reminds you to focus on the positive. It’s fun to give to someone you love, even if all you’re giving is points. You already give points when your sweetie goes the extra mile or does something unexpectedly wonderful. If both of you also give points for the small, everyday things that are easily taken for granted or overlooked—the dinner she prepared, the lawn he mowed, the gym socks that made it to the hamper, the dishes that got washed, the cheerful smile, the promise that was kept—you’ll find yourselves more focused on the positive. The more positive you are, the less bothered you’ll be when your sweetie screws up and that’s just good for your relationship.

Okay, look, you’re going to keep score anyway so do it in a way that’s good for your relationship. Having said that, let me emphasize that tit-for-tat two-wrongs-make-a-right justification of your bad behavior is the wrong way. Tit-for-tat is childish and destructive. It’s the kind of scorekeeping that all relationship gurus (including me) warn against. Instead, make it your goal to (1) earn as many points as possible, (2) avoid losing them, and (3) support your sweetheart in doing the same. If you do, then keeping score will be good for your relationship.