One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all, you’ll have so much to talk about.  Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food.  We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel.  We also have a very fundamental difference.  I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type.  In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship.  Rewind the tape back to when we were first dating and on our way to an early evening BBQ.  I was contributing the salad and we were running late.  As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside.  It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful.  After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time.  That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life.  Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes.  While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful.  My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.   Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way.  Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered.  Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue.  Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time.  I win.  He wins.  Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Shela and Dale

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, there are random moments of intimacy that are too often missed. Watch for them. Savor them. Example: Lately, I’ve been engrossed with writing book #2 (which is why I’ve been missing in action the last few weeks) and hubby Dale has been engrossed in his YMCA garden project. Both of us tend to be like a dog with a bone when we’ve got a big project happening—so focused on what we’re doing that, when it comes to our relationship, we go on auto-pilot and forget to pay attention. The other night we went to a black tie fund raiser for a foundation started by a young mother who lost her son to SIDS. Most of the people there were of her generation so it didn’t take long before (1) Dale and I noticed we were old enough to be the parents of just about everybody there (ouch!), and (2) our feet began to hurt (double ouch!) We found two empty chairs where we could sit, rest our feet, chat and people watch. For once, we weren’t thinking about our respective projects. We were just together, right in the middle of the hubbub of a party, with a few hundred other people milling about. We held hands and laughed (somewhat ruefully) at our old age behavior. It wasn’t until I was telling a friend about our evening that I realized we had shared an intimate moment. I began to pay attention and, guess what, I began to see those random moments of intimacy that might otherwise have been missed.

Our two-year old granddaughter Kennedy said something in a crowded restaurant that her parents did not find amusing or cute. A glance, a quick smile at each other, an acknowledgment that we both had the same thought—she is soooooooo cute—that, under the circumstances, we couldn’t express out loud. An intimate moment.

The Beatles released the song “When I’m Sixty-Four” in 1967 when Dale was just 21 and 64 seemed very old indeed and very, very far away. Well, Dale just had his 64th birthday and while he doesn’t usually obsess about his age, turning 64—because of that darned song—made him feel old for the first time. A few days after his birthday we went to the theater and asked for senior tickets. The young man at the ticket booth said, “You don’t look like seniors. I’d swear you guys are in your 50’s!” Nice to hear but especially nice for Dale who was a bit embarrassed by how much he was beaming. I winked at him, acknowledging that I understood how good it felt for him to hear those words. An intimate moment.

A quick stop at Crate ‘n Barrel to pick up a replacement for a broken red wine glass. On a nearby shelf were the same martini glasses we’d used for Cosmos when we recently entertained good friends and, after they left, entertained each other in a particularly memorable way (wink-wink). I picked one up and held it for Dale to see. He smiled and I knew we were both thinking of the same night. An intimate moment.

Those little moments of random intimacy are jewels to be treasured. Keep an eye out for them!

“You have more butt than you need, but you have a nice shape.” That’s the closest my hubby Dale has come to criticizing me and to be honest, his comment was merely a verbal observation of fact. I now have more butt than when the comment was made, but he’s never said another word about it. Bless him.

Coupling up bestows permission to say things (e.g., about your sweetie’s butt) that might not otherwise be appropriate. However, there’s a very thin line, over which you ought not to step, between criticism and comments such as that made by Dale. Criticism trashes emotional intimacy. Here’s why: To be justified in criticizing another person, the following must be true:

• You are right and the other person is wrong,
• You are superior in position or knowledge, and
• You have the right to voice criticism and demand certain behavior.

Your sweetheart’s boss, drill sergeant, mother, coach, personal trainer, or professor may meet that criteria but, as your partner’s equal, you do not. What you are (or should be) is the one person on the planet who your partner can always, absolutely, no questions asked, no doubt about it, count on for support. If you want emotional intimacy (and who doesn’t) then never, ever cause your partner to question that support.

You already know that shouting, “You’re lazy!” is more likely to result in the cold shoulder than help around the house. “No, honey, you’re wrong,” won’t endear you to your partner. “You could lose a few pounds,” is likely to get you cut off from you-know-what for several weeks! I don’t need to remind you that overt criticism plays havoc with intimacy. What we all need to remember is that it’s those situations where we’re tempted to give “constructive criticism” that are tricky. Here’s an example:

Your sweetheart is down in the dumps because, in his annual review, the boss said he’s too independent. It may be accurate to say, “Playing well with others is not your strong point. You need to work on that.” And your intention may be loving and the criticism may arguably be constructive, but would it be helpful? Probably not. There’s a good chance your partner will interpret your comment as siding with the boss, who at that moment is public enemy #1. What does that make you?

In this example, supporting your sweetheart doesn’t mean going on a rant about how clueless the boss is. It means saying and doing those things that will help your sweetheart come to his own conclusion about how to best handle it. Until asked for your advice and your help, keep it to yourself. When asked, be careful to give suggestions that are helpful and supportive WITHOUT expressing a single critical word. It’s not up to you to point out your sweetheart’s flaws or to tell him or her how to fix those flaws. If you need to fix something, work on yourself.

To be emotionally intimate, you must be connected. Criticism severs that connection and has no place in an intimate relationship. Noel Coward said it best, “I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.”

Forgiveness. It’s a topic we hear a lot about when it comes to marriage and relationships. Lord knows there’s plenty to forgive and I, for one, am grateful for a partner who has a generous and forgiving heart. But I ask you, for all the talk and hoopla about the “virtue” of forgiveness, why isn’t there more said about the conditions under which one is forgiven? You, in return, might ask, “Isn’t forgiveness supposed to be unconditional?”  Well, according to idealistic gurus it is, and that would be just dandy if we were perfect human beings. We’re not.

The truth is that forgiveness is conditioned on better behavior in the future. It chaps my hide that so many people think saying, “I’m sorry” is a cure-all that entitles the transgressor to immediate and unconditional forgiveness. That may have worked in kindergarten when you grabbed another kid’s crayon and were forced to give it back with an equally forced apology, but it doesn’t work in grown-up life.

If your sweetheart lies to you once, gets busted, and you forgive, don’t you expect that in exchange for that forgiveness, your sweetie promises not to do it again? What will you do if it happens over and again? Most likely, you’ll stop forgiving, revoke all prior forgiveness, and take a hike. At the very least, your trust will be shattered.

Most failed relationships don’t end because of one major body blow; most suffer death by a thousand cuts, none of which are individually lethal but all of which cumulatively sap the life out of a once vibrant relationship. Since it’s inevitable that we will screw up, it’s a good thing that most cuts can be healed through forgiveness. But here’s a 411 for you: the wound may heal but what’s left is emotional scar tissue. It’s a fact: scar tissue is weaker and inferior to the healthy tissue it replaces. That’s true for physical wounds and equally true for emotional wounds. Every time you do something that requires your sweetheart’s forgiveness, you are weakening the relationship.

Like most things in life, the hurts and disappointments we suffer (and inflict) are relative, ranging from inadvertent to thoughtless to deliberate to downright mean. It’s easy to forgive when your sweetie inadvertently steps on yours toes, much harder to forgive when the person who’s supposed to love you deliberately stomps on your foot. Your partner may give you a get-out-of-jail-free card the first few times you screw up, but you keep doing the same thing and that inadvertent or thoughtless behavior eventually becomes deliberate. Example: If your sweetheart tells you that not calling when you promise to call is a no-no, somewhere about the tenth time you do it, your sweetheart will construe your behavior as deliberately inconsiderate and will stop forgiving you.

Little things count BIG time in every relationship. A forgotten promise to call, by itself, won’t destroy a relationship. The cumulative effect of many broken promises will. So pay attention to the little things, don’t rely on the good nature and generous heart of your sweetheart, and avoid doing those things for which you know you’ll need forgiveness. Then, when you do screw up, your sweetheart will be a lot more generous. And, your relationship will be a lot more intimate.

Your sweetheart’s forgiveness is a finite resource. Use it sparing.

I dunno about you but gift giving between spouses has always seemed strange to me. I don’t quite get the point of buying a shirt or sweater (or even jewelry) for your lovebug when the $$ comes from a communal pot (which is kind of like contributing to the purchase price of your own gift, isn’t it?) Or, what’s the point of buying another shirt or sweater for the person who already has more shirts or sweaters than can ever be worn. So hubby Dale and I decided a long time ago that instead of buying each other gifts, we’d do something together, for us, as our gift to each other and to our relationship.

One year we bought bicycles and a bike rack for our 4-Runner. At the time we were living in Northern California where, within a short distance in any direction, there were a zillion fabulous places to cycle. The first place we headed was South Lake Tahoe where, courtesy of friends, we had a place to stay right on the lake. We were so excited that the minute we got there, we were pedaling up the lane. We tried holding hands while riding. I do not recommend this. I lost my balance, we both toppled over, and I ended up with a black eye. Yeah, that was not fun. But here’s the good part. We rousted out early the next morning, filled a thermos with hot coffee, and pedaled to where we could watch the sun come up. Holding hands this time was far more successful. An intimate moment, cuddled together to ward off the chill, sipping coffee and watching the sun rise. It’s one of those hey-remember-when moments that we enjoy reliving again and again.

Torres Del Paine

Another year we splurged and went to Patagonia for three weeks. Wow! That was a great trip with the highlight being a stay at the Explora, located at the base of the Torres Del Paine. Check out the picture that I took from our room in the wee hours of the morning. It was on that trip that our car broke down in the middle of nowhere and Dale had the meltdown I wrote about in an earlier post. Yep, even a meltdown is an opportunity to create intimacy. We spent New Year’s Eve on a ferry that took us down the coast of Chile to Patagonia. We sat in our not-at-all-luxury cabin, popped the cork on a bottle of champagne we thought to buy at the last minute, toasted, kissed, took and sip and then both practically gagged. Champagne?  Uh-uh. More like fuel oil.  Nasty stuff that went down the drain.  But who needs champagne to celebrate the new year. We didn’t. After going out on deck where the crew shot off fireworks, we headed back to our cabin. How many people can say they’ve done the wild thing on a ferry, heading south along the Chilean coast to Patagonia on New Year’s Eve?  Great trip from which we have a whole bunch of hey-remember-when memories.

You don’t have to spend a lot. One year we bought a martini shaker and glasses. We spent most of January slightly tipsy as we worked our way from Appletini (which I recommend) to Wasabi Martini (which I do not recommend). We have used that shaker for many years and each time we pull it out of the cabinet, it inspires a hey-remember-when Christie and Gary came for dinner and we . . . , or when we celebrated the . . . , or we . . . story.

A shirt is long forgotten. But the memory of an intimate moment is the gift that keeps on giving. Try it. I think you’ll like it.

Beige? Are you kidding? Of course taupe is the right color!

“Marriage is hard work.”  I think that’s a bunch of bologna. If I had said to Dale, “Honey, being married is going to require hard work, and lots of it,” he would have cut and run as fast as he could and who would have blamed him? Certainly not me. When I envision a great marriage, I don’t see a labor camp. So, I got to wondering why do we so often hear, even from relationship gurus, that a good marriage requires hard work. I’m thinking maybe couples are working hard on the wrong things. For instance . . .

Being right. Just as you can’t have over without under, up without down, cold without hot, or light without dark, you can’t be right without someone else being wrong. While there are things that, based on empirical evidence, are objectively right, I’m sorry to say that your opinion is not one of them. We all have opinions about virtually everything…the prettiest color for the bathroom…the superiority of cats over dogs (or vice verse)…the best team in football…the perfect recipe for mac ‘n cheese…what music is worth listening to, and so on ad infinitum.

And while it may be difficult, if not downright impossible, to believe that anyone would love eggplant, prefer beige to taupe, and think a day at the water park is as good as it gets, your partner has opinions, too. Expressing your opinion is easy. Listening to your sweetheart’s opinion is easy if not mind-boggling. So far, no hard work. It’s when you elevate your opinion to universally right and then try to convince your sweetheart that he or she is wrong that the going gets tough.

Differences are just that. Your sweetheart is not your clone. Get over it. If you insist of making differences matters of right and wrong, you’re going to be exhausted from the hard (and futile) work of convincing your sweetheart how right you are and how wrong he or she is. Worse, you’re going to be an irritating bore. It’s not necessary to reconcile all your differences to peacefully coexist. Really, it’s okay if you’re a Democrat and your sweetie is a Republican.  Where differences do have to be reconciled—yep, you do have to agree on what color to paint the bathroom—it’s just a matter of negotiation. And, come on, differences make life more interesting, don’t they? No matter how wonderful you are, would you really want to live with your mirror image?

Arguing about whether beige or taupe is “right” is not only a waste of time and exhausting, it plays havoc with intimacy. So, here’s the choice:

• Argue about who’s right until you run out of steam, one of you finally gives in, and end up sleeping back-to-back with a wall of ice between you, or
• Nix the argument, let your sweetheart “win” this one, pick up Frequent Foreplay Miles, and enjoy between-the-sheets and emotional intimacy.

If you want more intimacy in your relationship (and who doesn’t?), stop working hard on the wrong things.

More on this topic in future posts.  So, stay tuned!

Amazon River

Have you ever been with a couple and one says something to the other that seems to make sense only to them? You say, “What?” They say, “Private joke,” and give each other a meaningful glance. I was working on the chapter in my book about humor and it occurred to me that it’s often from humorous situations that “private jokes” arise. E.g., Dale and I were on a camping tour of Manu Reserve in the Peruvian Amazon basin. Dale was in heaven and although it was pretty cool to wake to the sound of howler monkeys and see poison dart frogs in their natural environment, there’s a reason why a rain forest is called a rain forest. Wet. Hot. Humid. Camping. No shower. REALLY big bugs. Ugh! On the tour were four other couples, including Lucinda and Graham from London where an umbrella is an everyday accessory. While the rest of us drowned rats huddled in an open canoe wearing cheap plastic ponchos purchased on the streets of Cuzco, Lucinda and Graham were cuddled under the giant umbrella they thought to bring with them. As if this weren’t annoying enough, they were also irrepressibly chipper—of course they were, they were dry! Every morning, they’d get up and describe the previous night in a moldy old tent as, “Brilliant!” By the fifth day, I was pretty cranky and, frankly, tired of Lucinda and Graham. Dale (normally a very funny guy) was having the time of his life and attempted to make a joke with our non-English speaking Peruvian guide who, of course, didn’t get it. I grabbed Dale by the lapels, pulled his face close to mine, and said through clenched teeth, “Dale, you are not funny in the rain forest!” Without blinking an eye, he looked down at me and said, “Graham thinks I’m funny.” I cracked up. Now, years later, when I fail to find Dale as humorous as he thinks he is, I say, “This is the rain forest.” He knows to get serious but before he does, he often adds, “Graham thinks I’m funny,” and it always makes me smile.

The phrase “not pregnant” also has a special meaning for us. It means “don’t make assumptions.”  Here’s how that one came about: We were on our way to an afternoon matinee. I was driving my hot little Mustang, chatting and not paying close enough attention, when I rear-ended a van. We pulled into the closest parking lot and while I went to speak to the driver, Dale ran to the passenger side to make sure no one was hurt. He yanked the door open and blurted out to the large woman reclining in the seat, “Oh, my God, you’re really pregnant!” She wasn’t. Ha!

Bottom line:  Every couple in love builds their own little “world” of shared experiences, code words, meaningful glances, and gestures only they understand. It’s part of what makes a couple a couple. It’s pretty darned intimate when you two are the only ones in a crowded room to share a “private joke.”