Seduction: Not Just Another Date Night

Okay, this one is for the ladies’ eyes only but, in the end, it’s for the guys, too. So, girlfriends, when was the last time you planned to seduce your guy, and set the stage for a night of wild abandon? If it’s been a while (or even if it hasn’t), here’s an idea that will have him eating out of the palm of your hand and loving it.

Set a date for your sweetheart to meet you for a drink in the bar of a local hotel. Make it a nice one. Without telling him, reserve a room. Check in early so you can set the stage. Spritz the sheets with a soft scent. Don’t overdo it, make it subtle. Or, scatter rose pedals on the sheets. Put votive candles in every nook and cranny. Have champagne cooling in the ice bucket. Set up a picnic of finger foods to feed to each other. Make the main course an aphrodisiac such as oysters. Plug your iPod into speakers so you can play smoky, sultry jazz by someone like Cassandra Wilson. Put bubble bath in the bathroom for a soak. Have your sexiest lingerie ready to change into and have silk pajamas for him.

The day of the date, treat yourself to a spa treatment so you’ll be soft and touchable from head to toe. Give yourself a break from daily demands so you’ll be rested and ready for the evening. If you have kids, be sure to arrange for overnight babysitting.

At the appointed hour, meet your sweetheart in the bar wearing the sexiest dress you have and accessorize it with stilettos. Enhance your cleavage with a push-up bra. Enjoy a cocktail with your sweetheart at the bar, then hand your sweetheart the key to the room, and tell him you’ll see him in ten minutes. Race to the room, light the candles, and change into your lingerie. Turn on the music and stretch yourself seductively on the bed. When your sweetheart walks in, invite him to change into silk pajamas.

Take your time. Enjoy the picnic. Enjoy each other. Enjoy the luxury of being in a hotel room. Getting out of your environment and away from the everyday reminders of everyday life is a great way to have a sexy, one-night vacation. If a hotel room and a day at the spa aren’t in the budget, then give yourself every spa treatment you can and turn your bedroom into a hotel room.

Clean up all the clutter. Change the room to look different, e.g., change the bedspread or bring a chair into the room. Toss a throw on the bed or chair and add lots of pillows. Put fresh sheets on the bed and have the bed turned down with mints or fresh flowers on the pillows. Adapt the above instructions to home.

Nothing is more flattering or a bigger turn on than being seduced by your sweetheart. It’s fun to seduce. It’s fun to be seduced. Give it a try. I think you’ll like it.

When you say I'm sorry, mean it.

You screwed up. You inadvertently stepped on your sweetheart’s toes. Or you were in a foul mood and behaved accordingly. Or you were a knucklehead and said or did the wrong thing. Now it’s time to make amends. You know from experience that simply saying, “I’m sorry!” doesn’t cut it even if you really are sorry. So, how do you express regret in a way that your sweetie not only gets it, but is willing to forgive you?

First and foremost, don’t bother unless you really mean it. Nothing adds more insult to injury than a fake, just-saying-this-to-shut-you-up apology. The only real apology is a genuine apology.

For a forgive-me to be heard and accepted your sweetie has to believe that you understand what you did and how it made him or her feel or it’s as meaningless as the apologies little kids are forced to give when they snatch a crayon away from another little kid. The best way to do that is to recount the event, show an awareness of what happened, and acknowledge the damage. For example:

“When we were at Bill and Linda’s house for dinner and you were telling the story about having your pocket picked on our trip, I interrupted you and corrected you several times. That was rude and inconsiderate. I fully understand that I embarrassed you and that my behavior was inappropriate. I should have kept my big mouth shut and let you tell the story your way. From now on, I’m going to try harder to bite my tongue. I love you and I’m very sorry I embarrassed you and hurt your feelings.”

This type of apology:

• Acknowledges and validates your sweetheart’s feelings;
• Shows that you take accountability for your actions; and
• Gives your sweetheart assurance that it won’t happen again because you’ve expressed awareness of what you should have done.

Once you have given a genuine apology, the ball is now in your sweetheart’s court. Forgiveness may depend in large part on your history. If you’ve apologized in the past for the same behavior, your sweetie may have a more difficult time accepting your apology—again. You see, forgiveness isn’t unconditional. It comes with the tacit (or express) understanding that the forgiven behavior won’t be repeated.  A surefire way to have your apologies accepted is to have a good track record.

If you’ve made a genuine apology but your sweetheart isn’t ready to accept and, instead, wants you to jump through a few even-the-score hoops, be careful. Answer questions if your sweetheart has them, repeat your apology if necessary, fill in what may have been missing the first go ‘round, but don’t grovel. You do not need to sacrifice your dignity by begging, pleading, and hoop jumping. That’s likely to lead to a bitter argument and resentment.

Reconciliation takes two: one to apologize and one to forgive. Remember that the next time your sweetheart needs your forgiveness. If you want your sweetie to be generous with forgiveness, you do the same.

Honey, where are you?

Back when Dale and I were first spending nights together at my home, I gave him the guest bath to use. One morning, as we were getting up to prepare for our day, he asked, “Can we shower at the same time?” I said, “Sure!” and headed off to my shower, hopped in, got the temperature just right, and was ready for sexy, sudsy, morning delight. About the time I began to wonder where he was, my water went ice cold and I learned, up close and personal, just how effective a cold shower can be while he happily showered in the guest bath with the warm water diverted from my shower.

What Dale meant was, “Can we run both showers at the same time?” What I heard was, “Can we shower together?” George Barnard Shaw sure got it right when he said, “The problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Dale and I had a good laugh about what happened, but it gave me pause to wonder how many times were we under the illusion that communication had taken place when, in truth, it had not.

It happens in all relationships—you just flat out misunderstand the simplest of communications. And as if that weren’t enough of a problem, we all have filters through which we hear things.  If Joe observes, “The rice is salty,” and Sally hears, “You’re a terrible cook,” she’s interpreting his statement-of-fact comment through her low self-esteem filter to hear criticism that’s not there. It’s this filtering that leads to unexpressed grudges and resentment as well as arguments that start something like this:

“You said [fill in the blank].”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“No, I didn’t!”
“Well, in so many words you did!”

When you find yourself tweaked over something your sweetheart said, be absolutely certain—before you blow a gasket—that you’re not under the illusion that communication has taken place when it hasn’t. If you find yourself doing an in-so-many-words analysis of something your sweetheart says, there’s a darned good chance you’re misinterpreting through a distortion-causing filter. When, as a result of something your partner says, you feel angry or hurt, use those emotions as teaching moments, opportunities to discover filters that need to be tossed out.

In the example given above, if Sally often hears criticism in what Joe says, it’s possible that he really is critical. It’s also very possible that Sally needs to work on her self-esteem so she can stop hearing nonexistent criticism.

If you believe that your partner loves you, then don’t assume the worst. Try always to interpret your sweetie’s words in a light most favorable to him or her. When you can’t, ask for clarification BEFORE you lash out. We communicate with our partner all day long, everything from see-you-later good-byes to we-need-to-talk thorny issues. What I learned from my cold shower is that even the simplest communication can be misunderstood. Be careful in what you say AND be especially careful in what you hear.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

The holidays. There’s so much to do! The decorations, the shopping, the tree, the gifts, the gifts, the gifts (thank goodness for Internet shopping), planning the meals, figuring out what to wear to the parties, making up the guest room for relatives…the list goes on. In this run-yourself ragged season, it’s easier than ever to back-burner your sweetie and your relationship. The one thing we are most likely to inadvertently cross off the list when things are super busy is that curl-up-on-the-couch shoot-the-breeze half hour with our partner. Sex? Forget about it. By the time you hit the sheets, you’re exhausted from hauling in and wrapping all those gifts, not to mention cleaning tinsel, pine needles and tiny shreds of wrapping paper for the hundredth time. Your body, your mind, and your attitude are DONE.

The holidays are stressful, no doubt about it. And there are a zillion ways to deal with stress but, just between you and me, the most fun way to deal with stress is “doing” your sweetheart, if you know what I mean. Okay, I’m kidding around a little bit here, but why is it that the one thing we probably need the most—the comfort of our partner—is always the first thing to go?  You see, it might look like honoring the intimacy in our relationship is about someone else, or another thing you just shouldn’t neglect and risk losing (and this goes for friendships and family too, right)?  But the truth is that these are the things that FUEL us. Coffee with my sweetie is vitally important to my good-mood attitude and my get-stuff-done productivity!  Sex last night helps me take a deep breath today and smile when I’m tempted to snap at a slow sales clerk because I’ve got 27 more stops to make. A few days without tenderness and I’m a surly bear.

When I am standing in line, waiting to pay for the egg nog and watching grown men and women grouch and growl like little kids, I want to ask, “Did you get a good hug from your partner today?”  I want to send them straight home to get an attitude adjustment by “doing” their sweetheart. I want to tell them, “Go ahead. Be selfish. Do your sweetheart. Do if for you!”

And, while you’re at it, cash in some of those Frequent Foreplay Miles you’ve BANKED all year long by asking for help. If you just ask, there’s a darned good chance your sweetie would be HAPPY to pick up the groceries or stop at Toys-R-Us for the Barbie Monopoly you need for the local toy drive. Take that time for yourself. Take a bubble bath, do your nails, or buy yourself the perfect gift.

The holidays SHOULD be a time of joyful intimacy. Keeping your sweetheart at the top of your “to do” list allows “should” to become reality and that is simply LOVELY.

I admit it. I’m not a fan of Halloween when it comes to kids knocking on doors, overloading on candy, and then suffering the inevitable sugar crash. However, I love creative costumes, especially for the big kids, aka adults. My ex was cooperative. He once allowed me to dress him as a topless dancer. The boobs I made for him out of balloons, cut up pantyhose, and baby bottle nipples would have been more convincing had I been able to get them the same size. Regardless, the costume was a big hit and I suspect—based on how well he carried it off—that my ex rather enjoyed the wig and the fishnets.

Dale, my adored husband, on the other hand, is not so cooperative. Not in a million—make that a trillion—years would he wear the topless dancer costume. If Dale had his way, we’d nix the costume thing entirely. He’s rejected some great ideas. For example, I once suggested we dress as the bottom-line and the headline. One of us would wear a big butt (think of the Fruit of the Loom guys) and the other would wear a big head (think of Mr. Potato Head). Each would have a big black line diagonally crossing it. Cute and, if I say so myself, downright clever. Alas, my creativity has gone unrealized. Deep sigh.

The Halloween-costume-thing isn’t the only difference between us. I adore board games. Dale is bored by them. He loves fun in the sun. Breaking a sweat makes me cranky. He’s a classical musician and won’t watch American Idol with me. I read legal thrillers; he reads nonfiction about things like the history of cod fishing (really) and from that you can only guess how “similar” our taste in TV is. Although our differences are sometimes a source of frustration, there’s a really cool thing about having differences and it’s this:

While I’m never going to read a book about cod fishing, I enjoy the more interesting tidbits Dale shares with me. He’s not going to read the latest legal thriller, but he enjoys it when I read a particularly good bit of prose to him or share an interesting plot twist. I’ve heard music I might never have otherwise known about. I tell Dale enough about what’s happening on American Idol for him to be up-to-date and conversant with coworkers. In other words, each of us shares the highlights of our interests with the other. That gives us something to talk about and makes us more interesting, not only to each other, but to the rest of the world. It helps broaden our horizons. For example, I love opera because Dale introduced me to it and can tell me the story behind every one of them. And that’s just the beginning of how, by sharing our differences, we’ve made our lives fuller.

Our differences also allow some separateness. Dale shares fun in the sun with his friends when they go hiking or cycling, giving me the opportunity to drag out my craft supplies and make scrapbook pages for my granddaughters. When Dale comes home, he tells me all about his day and I display my handiwork for him to praise.

Differences make you interesting and open doors for you to broaden your own interests, point of view, and horizons.  Differences. Embrace them.

Speaking of differences, that gives me an idea for this year’s costumes. I’ll go as a neat freak and he can be an explosion. Hmmm . . . do you think he’ll go for it?

Intimacy in our committed relationship. It can be so elusive. Sure, you get snippets of it here and there—enough to make you long for the real deal. You get glimpses of what achieving the Nirvana of connections is all about, You want it. You crave it. You even know what it takes to get it. Too often, however, the desire for intimacy is overcome by fear, the fear of being naked and exposed in front of someone who has the power to hurt you when you are most vulnerable.

You can experience physical intimacy with your duds on—a hug, a kiss, holding hands—but the ultimate intimacy is sans clothing, skin-on-skin, lights on. To be naked in front of another person is to be exposed and vulnerable. Even the most secure of us, will think twice about shedding jeans and tee-shirt if the last time you did, your sweetheart said, “You oughta do something about that gut.”  Being clothed makes us feel protected and allows us to hide what at least we perceive to be our flaws. This is even more so when it comes to emotional intimacy.

You can—to a point—be emotionally intimate with mental “clothing” to protect those bits and pieces of your life that are painful, embarrassing, or shameful. When you are willing to go only so far, however, you cheat yourself of a truly intimate connection. It’s human nature to hide those things we fear will affect how others (especially our sweetheart) feel about us. To experience that deep connection we all crave, however, you have to strip down to emotional vulnerability. Let me give you an example:

Julie and Darren had been dating for several months and one night were lingering over a bottle of wine, sitting on the floor of Julie’s living room, fingers intertwined. Soft jazz was playing in the background and they were talking, still getting to know each other. Darren could be described as a man’s man. Julie referred to him as her Marlboro Man, just the kind of guy she liked. He was active in sports and Julie speculated that he was the guy who always ended up as the team captain. When she made that comment, Darren went quiet for a moment, and looked at Julie as if he were engaged in an internal debate. She raised her eyebrows as if to say, “What?” Darren kissed her fingertips and then began telling the story of how, when he was in the Army going through basic training, he was chosen as the platoon leader. A couple of guys in the platoon took a disliking to Darren and one night filled his shoes with human excrement, discovered by Darren only when he went to put his shoes on. Threats against Darren resulted in his being segregated and protected from the rest of the platoon until the situation was resolved. “So much,” he concluded, “for being the Marlboro Man,” and then said, “I’ve never told anyone about that before.”

In telling this story, Darren let Julie know that there was much more to him than the Marlboro Man exterior that she found so attractive. He took a big emotional risk but, oh boy, did it pay off. Julie was so touched that Darren had entrusted her with this story, she fell more madly in love with Darren, vowed to always be worthy of his trust, and knew that Darren was worthy of her trust as well. It was a moment, for both of them, of the kind of intimacy that is the hallmark of a truly great love.

Trust to the tenth power is what makes both physical and emotional intimacy possible. To give it and to get it, get naked.

Talk and Share

Years ago, there was a TV commercial for Lipton soup. A child ran into the kitchen and asked his mom, who was standing over a steaming pot, “Is it soup yet?” That phrase became a shorthand way of asking if something is done. Few us as are the same person at 40 as we are at 20—it takes time to become soup—which is why the younger the age at marriage, the more likely a divorce. As you and your partner simmer, on your way to becoming soup, the changes that inevitably occur can cause stress to your marriage or other committed relationship until one day you may find yourself saying, “You’re not the person I married.”

Relationships, like the people who form them, are dynamic. People change as life, time and experience affects them. It’s possible to outgrow your partner or for each of you to grow in such different directions that your relationship no longer makes sense. On the other hand, your relationship can survive—even thrive—if you share in three ways.

Share experiences. Even a seemingly insignificant experience can profoundly affect you. Example: Sharon, who had just turned 30, was taking a run and passed her neighbor, an old widower, who was sitting on his porch lovingly stroking his cat. Sharon thought how wonderful it was that the old man had the cat to keep him company. As the only child of career parents, she knew loneliness and, having just experienced a “decade” birthday, vowed to manage her life to avoid a reprise of her childhood loneliness in old age. Sharon told her husband Tim about seeing the old man and his cat. Tim then shared a story about his grandmother, who died before Sharon met Tim, and who loved her Cocker Spaniel more than life itself. Tim also shared, for the first time, what a positive influence his grandmother had been on him. This led Sharon to suggest that she and Tim get involved with a pets-for-seniors program. He agreed and that’s what they did. Sharon could have filed the experience in her psyche where it would quietly (and even subconsciously) influence the decisions she made in life. But by sharing it, she is not only more conscious of how the fear of old age loneliness affects her, but she and Tim discovered a way to together create a richer life.

Share your dreams. Verbalizing a dream helps make it reality and no one is in a better position to support you than your life partner. Example: Matt, an MBA, was on an upwardly mobile track at a consulting firm. Linda was an associate attorney at a national firm. They planned an affluent life in which both reached the top of the corporate ladder. Tucked away, beneath all Matt’s ambition, was his boyhood dream of being a forest ranger but that’s not what Matt’s parents envisioned for him. To be a “good son,” Matt did what was expected, adopting his parents’ dream as his own. As Matt became increasingly unhappy in a life that didn’t truly fit him, his relationship with Linda suffered. During a counseling session, the therapist asked Matt how the reality of his life differed from what he had envisioned. Matt thought he was joking when he said, “As a kid I wanted to be a forest ranger.” But when the words were said, the reality hit him. As Matt became soup, he changed from who Linda (and he himself) thought he was—a man who wanted to climb the corporate ladder—to a man who wanted an outdoor life. With his dream now in the open, Linda and Matt could reshape their goals so Matt could use his MBA knowledge to create a business giving hiking and whitewater rafting tours.

Share your feelings. Doing so helps you crystallize your own thoughts and allows you to learn from each other. Example: Ben and Sarah, expecting their first child, had friends who had just adopted a baby boy. It was an open adoption where the birth mother was permitted contact with the adoptive family and the baby. Ben said to Sarah, “I don’t think the birth mother should be allowed to see the baby. After all, she gave it up for adoption.” Sarah, who had never thought about it before, did so then. After a few moments of reflection, she replied, “Ben, the mother gave up the right to raise the baby, but not the right to love the baby.” Ben thought for a moment and said, “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” A conversation about what it means to be a parent ensued. They discovered they had differing points of view on spanking and several fundamental issues, and agreed to do some research, get some counseling, and resolve their difference before the baby was born. Each became a better parent as a result.

It all boils down to this: talk to each other. If you don’t communicate and share as you each become soup, you’re much more likely to grow apart than to grow closer. You will change. Your relationship will change as a result. It’s inevitable. By openly sharing your experiences, your dreams, and your feelings you greatly improve the odds of your relationship not only surviving but thriving.

It was in grade school math that I first learned about reducing fractions to their lowest common denominator. I hated math. Still do. But, I’ve learned that “reducing to the lowest common denominator” is a great term for describing how, in human interaction, we “sink” to the most basic, least sophisticated level of those with whom we are engaging. If you’ve ever argued with a child, you know what I mean. Before you realize it, you’re on that kid’s level.

We all behave badly at times. We get angry and lash out, we are disappointed and have a meltdown, or we’re just grumpy for no apparent reason. When it comes to our primary relationship, the tendency to “reduce to the lowest common denominator” often results in the other partner mirroring bad behavior. The results are never pretty. Example:

Matt was responsible for preparing a complicated bid on a job for his engineering firm. An ill secretary and a finicky Internet connection were the tip of the what-went-wrong iceberg. With minutes to spare, Matt hit “send” on the email that submitted the bid. He left exhausted and cranky. Lila, who had a day of meetings, had that morning asked Matt to pick up dinner. He did. As he walked from the garage to the back door, the food bag broke. The potato salad container burst on contact. The roasted chicken popped out of its box and rolled under a hedge. Lila heard Matt’s expletive, she rushed to the door, and asked, “What happened?”

Matt snapped. “What happened?” he yelled. “I dropped dinner. The perfect end to a totally miserable day.”

“Why are you yelling at me? It’s not my fault,” Lila knee-jerk responded.

“If you hadn’t insisted I get dinner, this wouldn’t have happened,” he knee-jerk (albeit irrationally) responded back.

“So it IS my fault,” she shouted and stormed into the house, leaving Matt to clean up the mess.

Things go wrong—usually at the worst possible time. The oven malfunctions, the appetizer burns, and your snooty in-laws will arrive any minute to a smoke-filled house. The TV with the gi-normous screen you’ve been bragging about goes on the fritz moments before kickoff, and 22 of your buddies will miss the game of the century. As you’re leaving for your sister’s wedding the baby throws up on the perfect silk dress you shopped for months to find. The flight is cancelled and you’re late getting home from the business trip you didn’t want to take, causing you to miss your own birthday party. Few of us handle these moments with the poise and equanimity of a mature adult. Nope—at such moments, we’re sure there’s a cosmic conspiracy to ruin our life and, thus, a meltdown is justified.

What’s more, when our partner does or says something that hurts our feelings, angers, or disappoints, the natural tendency is to sulk or lash out. Our partner “reduces to the lowest common denominator” and, before you know it, you’re in an argument where words you’ll later regret are said.

Bad behavior is usually the manifestation of an underlying emotion. Jack wasn’t really blaming Lila for his bad day, he was just expressing his frustration. A meltdown is an expression of disappointment at things not turning out as hoped. Sulking and verbal attacks on our partner usually stem from hurt feelings.

While there may be no valid excuse for bad behavior, especially when taken out on our sweetheart, who among us hasn’t gone there. When it happens, the smart partner looks beyond the behavior and responds to the underlying emotion. By doing so, you avoid “reducing to the lowest common denominator,” help your sweetheart return to the world of sanity and reasonableness, and, most importantly, avoid damaging arguments.

One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all, you’ll have so much to talk about.  Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food.  We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel.  We also have a very fundamental difference.  I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type.  In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship.  Rewind the tape back to when we were first dating and on our way to an early evening BBQ.  I was contributing the salad and we were running late.  As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside.  It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful.  After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time.  That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life.  Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes.  While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful.  My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.   Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way.  Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered.  Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue.  Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time.  I win.  He wins.  Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Shela and Dale

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, there are random moments of intimacy that are too often missed. Watch for them. Savor them. Example: Lately, I’ve been engrossed with writing book #2 (which is why I’ve been missing in action the last few weeks) and hubby Dale has been engrossed in his YMCA garden project. Both of us tend to be like a dog with a bone when we’ve got a big project happening—so focused on what we’re doing that, when it comes to our relationship, we go on auto-pilot and forget to pay attention. The other night we went to a black tie fund raiser for a foundation started by a young mother who lost her son to SIDS. Most of the people there were of her generation so it didn’t take long before (1) Dale and I noticed we were old enough to be the parents of just about everybody there (ouch!), and (2) our feet began to hurt (double ouch!) We found two empty chairs where we could sit, rest our feet, chat and people watch. For once, we weren’t thinking about our respective projects. We were just together, right in the middle of the hubbub of a party, with a few hundred other people milling about. We held hands and laughed (somewhat ruefully) at our old age behavior. It wasn’t until I was telling a friend about our evening that I realized we had shared an intimate moment. I began to pay attention and, guess what, I began to see those random moments of intimacy that might otherwise have been missed.

Our two-year old granddaughter Kennedy said something in a crowded restaurant that her parents did not find amusing or cute. A glance, a quick smile at each other, an acknowledgment that we both had the same thought—she is soooooooo cute—that, under the circumstances, we couldn’t express out loud. An intimate moment.

The Beatles released the song “When I’m Sixty-Four” in 1967 when Dale was just 21 and 64 seemed very old indeed and very, very far away. Well, Dale just had his 64th birthday and while he doesn’t usually obsess about his age, turning 64—because of that darned song—made him feel old for the first time. A few days after his birthday we went to the theater and asked for senior tickets. The young man at the ticket booth said, “You don’t look like seniors. I’d swear you guys are in your 50′s!” Nice to hear but especially nice for Dale who was a bit embarrassed by how much he was beaming. I winked at him, acknowledging that I understood how good it felt for him to hear those words. An intimate moment.

A quick stop at Crate ‘n Barrel to pick up a replacement for a broken red wine glass. On a nearby shelf were the same martini glasses we’d used for Cosmos when we recently entertained good friends and, after they left, entertained each other in a particularly memorable way (wink-wink). I picked one up and held it for Dale to see. He smiled and I knew we were both thinking of the same night. An intimate moment.

Those little moments of random intimacy are jewels to be treasured. Keep an eye out for them!