Seduction: Not Just Another Date Night

Okay, this one is for the ladies’ eyes only but, in the end, it’s for the guys, too. So, girlfriends, when was the last time you planned to seduce your guy, and set the stage for a night of wild abandon? If it’s been a while (or even if it hasn’t), here’s an idea that will have him eating out of the palm of your hand and loving it.

Set a date for your sweetheart to meet you for a drink in the bar of a local hotel. Make it a nice one. Without telling him, reserve a room. Check in early so you can set the stage. Spritz the sheets with a soft scent. Don’t overdo it, make it subtle. Or, scatter rose pedals on the sheets. Put votive candles in every nook and cranny. Have champagne cooling in the ice bucket. Set up a picnic of finger foods to feed to each other. Make the main course an aphrodisiac such as oysters. Plug your iPod into speakers so you can play smoky, sultry jazz by someone like Cassandra Wilson. Put bubble bath in the bathroom for a soak. Have your sexiest lingerie ready to change into and have silk pajamas for him.

The day of the date, treat yourself to a spa treatment so you’ll be soft and touchable from head to toe. Give yourself a break from daily demands so you’ll be rested and ready for the evening. If you have kids, be sure to arrange for overnight babysitting.

At the appointed hour, meet your sweetheart in the bar wearing the sexiest dress you have and accessorize it with stilettos. Enhance your cleavage with a push-up bra. Enjoy a cocktail with your sweetheart at the bar, then hand your sweetheart the key to the room, and tell him you’ll see him in ten minutes. Race to the room, light the candles, and change into your lingerie. Turn on the music and stretch yourself seductively on the bed. When your sweetheart walks in, invite him to change into silk pajamas.

Take your time. Enjoy the picnic. Enjoy each other. Enjoy the luxury of being in a hotel room. Getting out of your environment and away from the everyday reminders of everyday life is a great way to have a sexy, one-night vacation. If a hotel room and a day at the spa aren’t in the budget, then give yourself every spa treatment you can and turn your bedroom into a hotel room.

Clean up all the clutter. Change the room to look different, e.g., change the bedspread or bring a chair into the room. Toss a throw on the bed or chair and add lots of pillows. Put fresh sheets on the bed and have the bed turned down with mints or fresh flowers on the pillows. Adapt the above instructions to home.

Nothing is more flattering or a bigger turn on than being seduced by your sweetheart. It’s fun to seduce. It’s fun to be seduced. Give it a try. I think you’ll like it.

Eat your broccoli. It’s good for you.

Take your cod liver oil. It’s good for you.

Exercise daily. It’s good for you.

Have sex. It’s good for you.

Huh? Broccoli, cod liver oil, exercise and sex are all in the same do-it-cuz-it’s-good-for-you category. Don’t you think that argument (and we’ve heard a lot of it lately) makes having sex sound like something you do while holding your nose? Something you have to do because it’s good for you? Imagine saying to your sweetheart, “Okay, had my daily dose of veggies, went for a run, took my vitamins and fish oil, so how ‘bout it, babe, ready for a roll in the day?” Yeah, that’ll stoke the fires. Not.

If the it’s-good-for-you argument really worked, we’d all be in great shape with a ‘frig full of fruits and veggies instead of a freezer full of Haagen Dazs ice cream. And we’d all be late to work if you know what I mean. No woman would ever again say, “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.” Why? Because the mere act of hugging, kissing and engaging in any kind of sexual activity releases the our-good-friend hormone oxytocin. Yep, that’s the stuff in painkillers that’s so easy to become addicted to.

We’d all be having rip-roaring romps in the hay, despite a headache, backache or pain in the neck—because it would be just what the doctor ordered! We’d all have healthy hearts. If we had a daily dose of sex, the number of fatal heart attacks would drop dramatically because of all the increased circulation, exercise and stress relief benefits of sex.

We’d all be in great shape because having sex burns calories. Heck, you don’t even need a weight set or a jump rope for this one (unless you add a little creativity to the mix…!) And, we’d all have a rosy, healthy glow.

When, I ask you, was the last time you had sex because it’s good for you? I never have. I don’t think of sex as a chore, something I have to do in order to stay healthy. I think of sex as a mini-vacation with my sweetheart, something to be enjoyed, a time for fun. It’s when we escape the job, the kids, the bills, the worrying, the dog…(just add your own list here and roll your eyes). Curling up in the arms of your sweetheart and feeling his or her breath on your ear—or his or her arms around you—there’s just nothing like it.

Look, I get it. I really do. We all let the demands of daily life get in the way. It’s easy for me to tell you to get a babysitter, schedule a date night, make time for yourselves. If it were as easy to put into action, however, we wouldn’t need Relationship Coaches or my book Frequent Foreplay Miles. Instead of thinking of having sex as something to do because it’s good for you, think of it as giving you more than the two-weeks vacation most of have every year. Take mini-vacations together, in the bedroom. Taking the time to be IN the love that you work so hard to create, well, that’s the good stuff in life. It is the reward. Not making time for those simple loving moments says a lot more than you’re tired. Definitely something to think about.

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

The holidays. There’s so much to do! The decorations, the shopping, the tree, the gifts, the gifts, the gifts (thank goodness for Internet shopping), planning the meals, figuring out what to wear to the parties, making up the guest room for relatives…the list goes on. In this run-yourself ragged season, it’s easier than ever to back-burner your sweetie and your relationship. The one thing we are most likely to inadvertently cross off the list when things are super busy is that curl-up-on-the-couch shoot-the-breeze half hour with our partner. Sex? Forget about it. By the time you hit the sheets, you’re exhausted from hauling in and wrapping all those gifts, not to mention cleaning tinsel, pine needles and tiny shreds of wrapping paper for the hundredth time. Your body, your mind, and your attitude are DONE.

The holidays are stressful, no doubt about it. And there are a zillion ways to deal with stress but, just between you and me, the most fun way to deal with stress is “doing” your sweetheart, if you know what I mean. Okay, I’m kidding around a little bit here, but why is it that the one thing we probably need the most—the comfort of our partner—is always the first thing to go?  You see, it might look like honoring the intimacy in our relationship is about someone else, or another thing you just shouldn’t neglect and risk losing (and this goes for friendships and family too, right)?  But the truth is that these are the things that FUEL us. Coffee with my sweetie is vitally important to my good-mood attitude and my get-stuff-done productivity!  Sex last night helps me take a deep breath today and smile when I’m tempted to snap at a slow sales clerk because I’ve got 27 more stops to make. A few days without tenderness and I’m a surly bear.

When I am standing in line, waiting to pay for the egg nog and watching grown men and women grouch and growl like little kids, I want to ask, “Did you get a good hug from your partner today?”  I want to send them straight home to get an attitude adjustment by “doing” their sweetheart. I want to tell them, “Go ahead. Be selfish. Do your sweetheart. Do if for you!”

And, while you’re at it, cash in some of those Frequent Foreplay Miles you’ve BANKED all year long by asking for help. If you just ask, there’s a darned good chance your sweetie would be HAPPY to pick up the groceries or stop at Toys-R-Us for the Barbie Monopoly you need for the local toy drive. Take that time for yourself. Take a bubble bath, do your nails, or buy yourself the perfect gift.

The holidays SHOULD be a time of joyful intimacy. Keeping your sweetheart at the top of your “to do” list allows “should” to become reality and that is simply LOVELY.

I admit it. I’m not a fan of Halloween when it comes to kids knocking on doors, overloading on candy, and then suffering the inevitable sugar crash. However, I love creative costumes, especially for the big kids, aka adults. My ex was cooperative. He once allowed me to dress him as a topless dancer. The boobs I made for him out of balloons, cut up pantyhose, and baby bottle nipples would have been more convincing had I been able to get them the same size. Regardless, the costume was a big hit and I suspect—based on how well he carried it off—that my ex rather enjoyed the wig and the fishnets.

Dale, my adored husband, on the other hand, is not so cooperative. Not in a million—make that a trillion—years would he wear the topless dancer costume. If Dale had his way, we’d nix the costume thing entirely. He’s rejected some great ideas. For example, I once suggested we dress as the bottom-line and the headline. One of us would wear a big butt (think of the Fruit of the Loom guys) and the other would wear a big head (think of Mr. Potato Head). Each would have a big black line diagonally crossing it. Cute and, if I say so myself, downright clever. Alas, my creativity has gone unrealized. Deep sigh.

The Halloween-costume-thing isn’t the only difference between us. I adore board games. Dale is bored by them. He loves fun in the sun. Breaking a sweat makes me cranky. He’s a classical musician and won’t watch American Idol with me. I read legal thrillers; he reads nonfiction about things like the history of cod fishing (really) and from that you can only guess how “similar” our taste in TV is. Although our differences are sometimes a source of frustration, there’s a really cool thing about having differences and it’s this:

While I’m never going to read a book about cod fishing, I enjoy the more interesting tidbits Dale shares with me. He’s not going to read the latest legal thriller, but he enjoys it when I read a particularly good bit of prose to him or share an interesting plot twist. I’ve heard music I might never have otherwise known about. I tell Dale enough about what’s happening on American Idol for him to be up-to-date and conversant with coworkers. In other words, each of us shares the highlights of our interests with the other. That gives us something to talk about and makes us more interesting, not only to each other, but to the rest of the world. It helps broaden our horizons. For example, I love opera because Dale introduced me to it and can tell me the story behind every one of them. And that’s just the beginning of how, by sharing our differences, we’ve made our lives fuller.

Our differences also allow some separateness. Dale shares fun in the sun with his friends when they go hiking or cycling, giving me the opportunity to drag out my craft supplies and make scrapbook pages for my granddaughters. When Dale comes home, he tells me all about his day and I display my handiwork for him to praise.

Differences make you interesting and open doors for you to broaden your own interests, point of view, and horizons.  Differences. Embrace them.

Speaking of differences, that gives me an idea for this year’s costumes. I’ll go as a neat freak and he can be an explosion. Hmmm . . . do you think he’ll go for it?

Intimacy in our committed relationship. It can be so elusive. Sure, you get snippets of it here and there—enough to make you long for the real deal. You get glimpses of what achieving the Nirvana of connections is all about, You want it. You crave it. You even know what it takes to get it. Too often, however, the desire for intimacy is overcome by fear, the fear of being naked and exposed in front of someone who has the power to hurt you when you are most vulnerable.

You can experience physical intimacy with your duds on—a hug, a kiss, holding hands—but the ultimate intimacy is sans clothing, skin-on-skin, lights on. To be naked in front of another person is to be exposed and vulnerable. Even the most secure of us, will think twice about shedding jeans and tee-shirt if the last time you did, your sweetheart said, “You oughta do something about that gut.”  Being clothed makes us feel protected and allows us to hide what at least we perceive to be our flaws. This is even more so when it comes to emotional intimacy.

You can—to a point—be emotionally intimate with mental “clothing” to protect those bits and pieces of your life that are painful, embarrassing, or shameful. When you are willing to go only so far, however, you cheat yourself of a truly intimate connection. It’s human nature to hide those things we fear will affect how others (especially our sweetheart) feel about us. To experience that deep connection we all crave, however, you have to strip down to emotional vulnerability. Let me give you an example:

Julie and Darren had been dating for several months and one night were lingering over a bottle of wine, sitting on the floor of Julie’s living room, fingers intertwined. Soft jazz was playing in the background and they were talking, still getting to know each other. Darren could be described as a man’s man. Julie referred to him as her Marlboro Man, just the kind of guy she liked. He was active in sports and Julie speculated that he was the guy who always ended up as the team captain. When she made that comment, Darren went quiet for a moment, and looked at Julie as if he were engaged in an internal debate. She raised her eyebrows as if to say, “What?” Darren kissed her fingertips and then began telling the story of how, when he was in the Army going through basic training, he was chosen as the platoon leader. A couple of guys in the platoon took a disliking to Darren and one night filled his shoes with human excrement, discovered by Darren only when he went to put his shoes on. Threats against Darren resulted in his being segregated and protected from the rest of the platoon until the situation was resolved. “So much,” he concluded, “for being the Marlboro Man,” and then said, “I’ve never told anyone about that before.”

In telling this story, Darren let Julie know that there was much more to him than the Marlboro Man exterior that she found so attractive. He took a big emotional risk but, oh boy, did it pay off. Julie was so touched that Darren had entrusted her with this story, she fell more madly in love with Darren, vowed to always be worthy of his trust, and knew that Darren was worthy of her trust as well. It was a moment, for both of them, of the kind of intimacy that is the hallmark of a truly great love.

Trust to the tenth power is what makes both physical and emotional intimacy possible. To give it and to get it, get naked.

Okay, I’m going to be honest. This is not an entirely original idea. It was inspired by Brenda and Gill, the most clever couple I’ve ever met when it comes to keeping things playful and spicy. For example, they’re fond of having candlelit black tie dinners for two and they each wear nothing but a black tie. They might spend Saturday night in a fiercely fought game of strip poker or bikini Twister. Yep, they like to to get naked which, as you might imagine, leads to the boudoir, which leads me to the point of this article.

In today’s economy, we all need to save and most of us have less do-re-mi to spend on a night on the town, let alone a weekend getaway. As a result, a couple’s date night too often involves a remote control and, before you know it, you’re in that rut you said you’d never fall into. So, try this on for size . . .

Put a decorative bag or box in the bedroom and every time you have sex, throw money in it. Pick an amount based on your economic ability and set a savings goal. Brenda and Gill wanted to go to Hawaii and, at the time (which was before this economic crunch) they could each afford $20 with every occasion of conjugal bliss. What’s more, they gave tips for exceptional performance and multiple Big O’s! It took them less than a year to earn that trip. And, I swear, I never saw them without a smile on their faces which leads to the next point.

More sex can be good for your bank account and it’s definitely good for your relationship and your health. This is a time in history when fear of job loss, worries about economic security, and everything from wars to oil spills to global warming to you name it, can lead to down-in-the-dumps lethargy or even full-on depression. Having sex is the antidote. Sex stimulates feel-good hormones and helps you stay in your happy place despite the economy. It relieves stress and who among us can’t use a little stress relief? It helps keep your immunity in tiptop shape. It increases and helps you sustain emotional intimacy. Now, more than ever, we all need feel-good hormones, to be in our happy place, to have less stress, be healthier, and have greater emotional intimacy. And who can’t use a bigger bank account?

Open your Sex Savings Account and start making deposits today. It doesn’t matter whether you toss in twenty bucks or a quarter. Make it within your economic reach, set a goal, and see how quickly you can get there. Next time you’re tempted to splurge on a fattening Starbucks coffee, think about adding to your Sex Savings Account instead. Rather than buy lunch, pack a brown bag and use the savings for a deposit to your Sex Savings Account. With a little thought you’ll come up with dozens of ways to spend less on stuff you don’t need and put more into your Sex Savings Account. You’ll have more money. You’ll feel better. You’ll smile more. And, you’ll be closer than ever to each other. Pretty cool, huh?

It was in grade school math that I first learned about reducing fractions to their lowest common denominator. I hated math. Still do. But, I’ve learned that “reducing to the lowest common denominator” is a great term for describing how, in human interaction, we “sink” to the most basic, least sophisticated level of those with whom we are engaging. If you’ve ever argued with a child, you know what I mean. Before you realize it, you’re on that kid’s level.

We all behave badly at times. We get angry and lash out, we are disappointed and have a meltdown, or we’re just grumpy for no apparent reason. When it comes to our primary relationship, the tendency to “reduce to the lowest common denominator” often results in the other partner mirroring bad behavior. The results are never pretty. Example:

Matt was responsible for preparing a complicated bid on a job for his engineering firm. An ill secretary and a finicky Internet connection were the tip of the what-went-wrong iceberg. With minutes to spare, Matt hit “send” on the email that submitted the bid. He left exhausted and cranky. Lila, who had a day of meetings, had that morning asked Matt to pick up dinner. He did. As he walked from the garage to the back door, the food bag broke. The potato salad container burst on contact. The roasted chicken popped out of its box and rolled under a hedge. Lila heard Matt’s expletive, she rushed to the door, and asked, “What happened?”

Matt snapped. “What happened?” he yelled. “I dropped dinner. The perfect end to a totally miserable day.”

“Why are you yelling at me? It’s not my fault,” Lila knee-jerk responded.

“If you hadn’t insisted I get dinner, this wouldn’t have happened,” he knee-jerk (albeit irrationally) responded back.

“So it IS my fault,” she shouted and stormed into the house, leaving Matt to clean up the mess.

Things go wrong—usually at the worst possible time. The oven malfunctions, the appetizer burns, and your snooty in-laws will arrive any minute to a smoke-filled house. The TV with the gi-normous screen you’ve been bragging about goes on the fritz moments before kickoff, and 22 of your buddies will miss the game of the century. As you’re leaving for your sister’s wedding the baby throws up on the perfect silk dress you shopped for months to find. The flight is cancelled and you’re late getting home from the business trip you didn’t want to take, causing you to miss your own birthday party. Few of us handle these moments with the poise and equanimity of a mature adult. Nope—at such moments, we’re sure there’s a cosmic conspiracy to ruin our life and, thus, a meltdown is justified.

What’s more, when our partner does or says something that hurts our feelings, angers, or disappoints, the natural tendency is to sulk or lash out. Our partner “reduces to the lowest common denominator” and, before you know it, you’re in an argument where words you’ll later regret are said.

Bad behavior is usually the manifestation of an underlying emotion. Jack wasn’t really blaming Lila for his bad day, he was just expressing his frustration. A meltdown is an expression of disappointment at things not turning out as hoped. Sulking and verbal attacks on our partner usually stem from hurt feelings.

While there may be no valid excuse for bad behavior, especially when taken out on our sweetheart, who among us hasn’t gone there. When it happens, the smart partner looks beyond the behavior and responds to the underlying emotion. By doing so, you avoid “reducing to the lowest common denominator,” help your sweetheart return to the world of sanity and reasonableness, and, most importantly, avoid damaging arguments.

One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all, you’ll have so much to talk about.  Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food.  We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel.  We also have a very fundamental difference.  I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type.  In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship.  Rewind the tape back to when we were first dating and on our way to an early evening BBQ.  I was contributing the salad and we were running late.  As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside.  It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful.  After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time.  That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life.  Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes.  While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful.  My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.   Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way.  Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered.  Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue.  Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time.  I win.  He wins.  Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Shela and Dale

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, there are random moments of intimacy that are too often missed. Watch for them. Savor them. Example: Lately, I’ve been engrossed with writing book #2 (which is why I’ve been missing in action the last few weeks) and hubby Dale has been engrossed in his YMCA garden project. Both of us tend to be like a dog with a bone when we’ve got a big project happening—so focused on what we’re doing that, when it comes to our relationship, we go on auto-pilot and forget to pay attention. The other night we went to a black tie fund raiser for a foundation started by a young mother who lost her son to SIDS. Most of the people there were of her generation so it didn’t take long before (1) Dale and I noticed we were old enough to be the parents of just about everybody there (ouch!), and (2) our feet began to hurt (double ouch!) We found two empty chairs where we could sit, rest our feet, chat and people watch. For once, we weren’t thinking about our respective projects. We were just together, right in the middle of the hubbub of a party, with a few hundred other people milling about. We held hands and laughed (somewhat ruefully) at our old age behavior. It wasn’t until I was telling a friend about our evening that I realized we had shared an intimate moment. I began to pay attention and, guess what, I began to see those random moments of intimacy that might otherwise have been missed.

Our two-year old granddaughter Kennedy said something in a crowded restaurant that her parents did not find amusing or cute. A glance, a quick smile at each other, an acknowledgment that we both had the same thought—she is soooooooo cute—that, under the circumstances, we couldn’t express out loud. An intimate moment.

The Beatles released the song “When I’m Sixty-Four” in 1967 when Dale was just 21 and 64 seemed very old indeed and very, very far away. Well, Dale just had his 64th birthday and while he doesn’t usually obsess about his age, turning 64—because of that darned song—made him feel old for the first time. A few days after his birthday we went to the theater and asked for senior tickets. The young man at the ticket booth said, “You don’t look like seniors. I’d swear you guys are in your 50′s!” Nice to hear but especially nice for Dale who was a bit embarrassed by how much he was beaming. I winked at him, acknowledging that I understood how good it felt for him to hear those words. An intimate moment.

A quick stop at Crate ‘n Barrel to pick up a replacement for a broken red wine glass. On a nearby shelf were the same martini glasses we’d used for Cosmos when we recently entertained good friends and, after they left, entertained each other in a particularly memorable way (wink-wink). I picked one up and held it for Dale to see. He smiled and I knew we were both thinking of the same night. An intimate moment.

Those little moments of random intimacy are jewels to be treasured. Keep an eye out for them!

Do an Amazon search on “self-improvement” or “self-help” and you’ll get a long, long list of books to choose from. There are books on how to have better communication, better sex, more intimacy, fair fights, more fun, less conflict, a more fulfilling life, more self-confidence, more self-esteem, and so on and so on.

What you won’t find is a book based on the premise that you’re perfect but your sweetheart needs a complete overhaul and would be much happier and a better partner if he or she were your clone. Yet, that’s the approach we so often take. We not only think we’re right, we think our opinion rises to the level of a universal truth and are completely baffled when our sweetheart doesn’t get it. So, we make it our mission to put in the fix. Let me give you an example from my own relationship.

I am a nutcake about timeliness. I am never late (usually early) and it chaps my hide when someone keeps me waiting. My sweetheart Dale, on the other hand, is relaxed about time commitments. So relaxed that in our early days, he was late often enough that my internal dialog went like this: “He is always late, which is rude. He has no respect for me or my time. He thinks his time is more valuable. That is arrogant and self-centered. Yada yada yada . . .” until I was all worked up about it and royally irritated. I was determined to “fix” the problem, i.e., get him to see that I was right and he was wrong. I explained patiently and rationally why he should change…it didn’t work. I nagged…it didn’t work. I demanded…it didn’t work. I pouted…it didn’t work.

Then one day it hit me: It was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue. To Dale, it is not mutually exclusive to be late and still have respect for me. He isn’t arrogant or self-centered. He’s an in-the-moment kind of guy—something I admire about him and wouldn’t want to change even though it means he sometimes forgets to watch the clock. Dale’s standards are just different from mine. To him, who cares about a few minutes here or there? If someone keeps him waiting he doesn’t get his shorts in a knot. He entertains himself until the doorbell rings. If it’s important to catch a plane, he’s there. When there’s room for slide, he relaxes. Who am I to say he’s wrong?

I stopped demanding that Dale change based upon The Gospel According to Shela. I no longer demand perfection. I let Dale know when it’s truly important for him to be on time. And, he is. Other times, I shrug off his being late as the no big deal that it is. He wins. I win. We’re both much happier.

You may have heard it said that the quickest way to change someone’s behavior is to change your own. It’s so true! It wasn’t until I made an attitude U-turn that Dale stopped resisting my efforts to “fix” him and happily changed his behavior to be more clock-aware when it was truly important.

If you are hell bent on improving something, then buy a few of those self-improvement books and get to work on making you a better you.  The more you know yourself, the more you value yourself, and the better person you are, the better partner you will be. By changing your behavior and becoming a better person, you support your partner in doing the same.

Author:

Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.