I am a nut cake about being on time.  I hate being late and it makes me crazy when others keep me waiting.  Dale, on the other hand, is relaxed about time commitments.  In the early days of our relationship, he was late often enough that my belief about him became “he is always late.”   I came to expect that he would not arrive at the appointed time.  My thought process would go something like this:  Dale is always late which is rude.  He has no respect for me or my time and thinks his time is more valuable.  That is arrogant and self-centered.  Yada yada yada . . . until I had myself all worked up and royally pissed off so that even when he was prompt, I began our time together in a less than generous state of mind.  Not good.

Here’s the reality check:  Dale’s Foreplay Navigator on this issue is different from mine.  To him, what’s a few minutes here or there?  If someone keeps him waiting, he doesn’t get his shorts in a knot; he entertains himself until the doorbell rings.  If it’s important to catch a plane, he’s there.  When there’s room for slide, he relaxes.

After several years of getting my own “shorts” in a knot about this issue, I decided that maybe I needed to be more generous in the way I thought about my honey and the time issue.  I had to roll down the window and take in some air on this one.  I will admit that it took me a while, but I finally figured out how to do just that. First, I recognized that for Dale, it is not mutually exclusive to be late and still have respect for me.  He isn’t arrogant or self-centered; he’s an in-the-moment kind of guy,-something I admire about him.  It would be arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue, Now, I don’t demand perfection; I simply support Dale in being successful by letting him know when it’s important that he arrive on schedule, and I give him Frequent Foreplay Miles when he’s on time.  Because Dale has learned how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock.  He wins, and I win, and we’re both much happier.

Of course, I would have preferred that he just saw it my way in the first place!

Have you ever contemplated your relationship and wondered, “If we’re so made for each other, how come we so often butt head, step on each other’s toes, and get our wires crossed?”  Why are there so many opportunities for two perfectly sane human beings to become insanely set in their own ideas of what’s right and what’s not? I think it’s because each of us comes to a relationship with a complex set of preferences, opinions, priorities, standards, points of view, and sensitivities, all shaped by our DNA, upbringing, education, life’s experience, religious or philosophical training, culture, and self-perception–what I call our Foreplay Navigator.

Our Foreplay Navigators may overlap in fundamental ways or we wouldn’t be a couple in the first place, but think of the zillions of way in which they differ.  You may agree on going out to dinner, but argue over Mexican or Chinese. You may agree on having a baby but disagree on whether it should be raised Jewish or Baptist. Getting a pet may seem like a good idea, but agreeing on Rex or Fluffy, long or short hair, may require divine intervention

You get in trouble because you don’t know that according to your sweetheart’s Foreplay Navigator it’s an act of treason to dog-ear the pages of a book or to jump on the punch line of your partner’s joke, or that having coffee with an ex who blew into town is tantamount to cheating, or that using the pet name “Snookie” in front of friends is a violation of privacy, or that it’s insufficient to acknowledge a special occasion with a card unaccompanied by a gift.

The secret to flyin’ right is knowing your sweetheart’s Foreplay Navigator and acting accordingly.  I know.  That’s easier said than done.  But it’s not impossible.