Dating isn't something you do, it's a mindset.

You’ve heard it said that familiarity breeds contempt. Taken literally, that means the better you know someone, the more contempt you’ll feel for that person. I dunno.  I know my husband really, really well and I’m not contemptuous of him at all.  I think, however, that in a relationship, familiarity can breed boredom and laziness.

Nobody knows for sure what causes the first spark of attraction to fly. What we do know is that once the spark flies, your brain goes into overdrive. It oozes a hormone cocktail that has the same affect as cocaine. Really. That’s why new love is so seductively intoxicating, why you can’t think of anything else, and the air is alive with the snap, crackle ‘n pop of sexual energy. You’re quite literally high on your own hormones. It’s the best feeling ever. We never want it to end.

We like that feeling so much that we’re afraid it’ll slip through our fingers. So, we do everything within our power to “secure” the relationship and in so doing unwittingly destroy the very thing we hope to capture forever. Here’s why:

Dating and falling in love is a phase in the continuum of a long-term relationship that has exactly the opposite attributes of a marriage. What we love (and crave) about that phase is the adrenalin rush, the excitement, the spontaneity, the edginess of being vulnerable and emotionally at risk, the mind-blowing desire for the object of our obsession.  What we want in marriage is safety, security, predictability and routine. Do you see the problem?

Sure, you read somewhere that it’s a good idea for married folk to have date night as a way to keep the sparks flying. So, you have an occasional (or regular) night out. You do your best to tune out distractions, focus on each other, and spend quality time before returning to reality. That’s a good thing—well, at least it’s better than nothing. But here’s the deal: you can go on 50, 500 or even 5,000 “great dates” that include everything from an intimate home picnic to a Paris junket and still be left wondering what happened to that indescribably delicious feeling you had back when you were 24/7 dating. So let’s not confuse an intermittent dinner-and-movie date night with “dating.” Dating isn’t a thing you do from time to time. Dating is a mindset coupled with behavior.

When you were dating you were eager to impress and to please. You put your best foot forward. You were generous, attentive, and quickly stepped up to any plate. Of course you did, you were doing your best to win the heart of your beloved. Once you won that heart, sealed the deal with a ring, and were secure in the relationship, what happened? You stopped putting your best foot forward so that your less attractive attributes showed up. You weren’t quite as eager to please or impress. You got lazy and complacent.

If you want to keep the spark alive, then adopt a dating mindset. Treat your spouse the same as you did when you weren’t so sure that he or she was part of your happily ever after. Be eager to please and impress. Be attentive, generous and quick to step up to the plate. If you don’t, then the end of your story may be just the opposite of what you hoped back when you were falling in love. Oh, and while you’re at it, as the married-you, be just as creative in the romance department as you were when you were the dating-you!

Do you sometimes wonder what happened to that randy, can’t-get-enough couple you used to be? You know, before the fatigue of everyday life set in and before the kids arrived. Back when you could have the week from hell and still strap on your dancin’ shoes and, after a great night out, have energy for sex. If you just sighed nostalgically, I get it. I understand how easy it is to let the demands of everyday life take precedence over romance. I know how easy it is to find yourselves, on what used to be date night, in sweats, watching a Netflix, eating delivery pizza, and drifting off before the end of the movie. Been there. Done that.

Every relationship guru on the planet, including me, recommends that you schedule regular date nights and times for sex. You have to make your relationship a priority or one day you’ll wake up to find it gone. That doesn’t mean you can ignore your relationship the rest of the time. In fact, with just a little imagination you can turn everyday events, such as a trip to the grocery store, into acts of emotional foreplay that enhance intimacy–in and out of the bedroom. How? Let’s take a look.

Grocery shopping is one of those chores you can’t get around. Ya gotta eat!  The trick is getting it done AND using the opportunity to engage in emotional foreplay. Emotional foreplay is doing those things that make your sweetheart feel high-on-a-pedestal adored, always-number-one special, you-deserve-the-best nurtured, and can’t-live-without-you cherished. So here are some ideas for you:

Give the gift of time. If it’s your sweetie who generally does the shopping, offer to do it and give your sweetheart some “me” time. Everyone needs time to recharge their battery. Women, in particular, are not so good at taking time for themselves but everyone, men and women alike, run themselves ragged in today’s busy world. When you give your sweetheart “me” time to recharge, he or she has more energy for everything, including you and your relationship.

Give the gift of yourself.     Do the shopping together, take your time strolling through the aisles and use the time to talk to each other. Couples spend far too little time just being together. Doing something that doesn’t require laser beam focus such as grocery shopping is a great time to just chat.

Give a surprise thinking-of-you gift. Toss your sweetheart’s favorite dessert in the cart. Surprise your sweetie by serving it to him or her in bed and enjoy it together.

Give together time. Buy the ingredients for a meal to cook together. Even better, use a recipe from the book by Martha Hopkins and Randall Lockridge titled Intercourses, An Aphrodisiac Cookbook. It’s a wonderful book full of recipes using 17 sensual foods, aphrodisiac histories, beautiful photographs, and more.

We all have huge demands on our time. When you fail to make your relationship a priority, you will find yourselves growing apart. By engaging in everyday acts of emotional foreplay, you’ll stay connected and that is a darned good thing for your sex life.

Ah! Honey, you left flowers in the toilet! How sweet!

Would you believe me if I told you that today is World Toilet Day? It is. Really.

As you know, I’m a big believer in and forever preaching the importance of emotional foreplay. That’s doing those things that make your sweetheart feel high-on-a-pedestal adored, always-number-one special, you-deserve-the-best nurtured, and can’t-live-without-you cherished.

So, when I found out it was World Toilet Day, I immediately thought the obvious. He could score some Frequent Foreplay Miles by putting the toilet seat down all day. She could score them by leaving the seat up all day long.

But then I got to thinking about all the other ways that a couple could celebrate World Toilet Day and, at the same time, score big. How about these:

• Guys, leave a bouquet of flowers (or other small gift) on the CLOSED toilet seat for her to find
• Ladies, dangle lacy panties from the handle with a note outlining exactly how you’re going to make his eyes roll in the back of his head later that night
• If your sweetie is a sit-and-read-in-the-john type, leave new reading material
• Hide love notes in the toilet paper
• Plan a surprise weekend get-away at a hotel with a sexy bathroom
• If  you’re not the one who usually cleans the toilet, surprise your sweetie by giving it a scrub

Use your imagination and I’m certain you’ll come up with a great way of showing your sweetie how much you care today, World Toilet Day, and every day. Got a good idea? Leave a comment and share it.

On a more philosophical note, are there things you’d like to (or should) dump down the toilet?  No, I don’t mean those things about your sweetheart that piss you off (bad pun, sorry) that you’d like to flush. I mean YOUR crap—beliefs that don’t serve you, unhealthy patterns of behavior, whatever it is that’s getting in the way of having the truly intimate relationship you want. Maybe World Toilet Day is a great day to flush all your crap away.

You see, the healthier you are, the better partner you’ll be—and a better You means more Frequent Foreplay Miles for you, and for your partner. Everyday Foreplay. Give it a try and see how much closer you’ll be.

I think Johnny Depp, this year’s sexiest man alive, is hot. If you’re not convinced, rent What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, one of Johnny’s early movies (also starring a young Leonardo DiCaprio) and feast your eyes on some great Johnny close-ups. I also think Hugh Jackman, last year’s sexiest man alive, is hot. Two hotties. Both married. I don’t know Johnny’s wife and I don’t know Hugh’s wife but I’m pretty sure of one thing:  to those women, these guys are just the men they’re married to, expected to take out the trash, help with the kids, put the groceries away, throw their dirty socks in the hamper, put the toilet seat down, and, well, you get the picture. Just regular guys who People magazine happened to brand “sexiest man alive.”

As I was thumbing through the latest issue of People, feasting my eyes on one hot guy after another, I glanced at my guy who, looking a bit disheveled, chose that very moment to belch. He’s developed a bit of a paunch (just a little one) and his jowls are a bit more pronounced than they were a year ago. He’s no more likely to be People‘s sexiest man alive than I am to be on the cover of next year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. But in my world, he is the sexiest man alive. Why? Well, I happen to think he’s a great looking guy, even with a slight paunch and jowls. More importantly, he’s gives great emotional foreplay.

Oprah asked Hugh Jackman if his status got him any leverage at home. He said, “Nope, I’m still expected to take out the trash.” Oprah’s reply: “That’s foreplay.”  She’s right. And my hubby Dale gets it. He takes out the trash. And, he’s kind, he’s generous, he’s supportive, he’s loving. He’s a great partner in every important sense of the word. Does that make him sexy? Yep. And I’ll betcha a buck that if we asked Johnny’s wife and Hugh’s wife, they’d both agree that what makes their guy sexy is not how he looks, but how he plays the role of husband and partner.

It’s fun to look at (maybe even fantasize about) eye candy. But when it comes to slipping between the sheets, I’ll take my sexiest man alive every time.

How ’bout you? Are you the sexiest man/woman alive in your sweetheart’s world?