Making a list and checking it twice.  Sadly, most of the lists we create aren’t the type that end in a pile of gifts wrapped in silver and gold.  When it comes to our relationship, they’re usually honey-do lists, or worse, a long mental list of grudges and annoyances we carry around like a bag of rocks. And to make matters worse, as most of us know, it’s really easy to fall into a relationship rut, even without realizing, and end up with roll-your-eyes annoyed or shrug-your-shoulders boredom as your constant companions.

Yep, before you know it, you and your can’t-live-without honey find yourselves sitting in front of the TV nine days out of ten and only really talking to one another when something goes wrong.  Why is that?  Don’t we want to connect to our lovers as more than housemates and business partners?  Have we just forgotten how to connect over anything that isn’t an “issue?” Of course not. We just need to be more diligent about seizing the opportunities to be together.

I am a huge proponent of actually getting out and doing fun and silly things together.  I think all relationships should find outside interests to do as a couple (and individually) to keep you interested—and interesting. Take a course, shoot pool, play tennis, go bird watching … the list is honestly endless. So get out your calendars and plan some dates. Just for the fun of it though, right in this very moment, I thought I’d give you a new twist on an old game to help you connect with your honey over something whimsical. So grab a nice bottle of something interesting this evening, and instead of the same old TV shows, try this new twist on a good old-fashioned game of Sexy Mad Libs. Take turns answering and have fun filling in the blanks!

#1. I would like you to _________________ my ____________________. (If you said “wash” and “car,” you really are in a rut. Come on, get with the program here!)

#2. My favorite words to hear from you are _________________________.

#3. I wish you would ______________________________.

#4. My favorite memory of us is when we __________________________.

#5. It drives me crazy, in a good way, when you ___________________.

#6. My biggest secret turn on is _______________________________________________.

Okay, now that you’ve filled out your Mad Libs, take action and deliver on what your sweetie wrote down. You’ll be out of your rut, at least for a little while and that’s a very good thing.

Take the time to play. It’s fun and if you end up laughing until you cry, that’s a bull’s eye. Laughter truly is the antidote to boredom, anger, grudges and resentment. Tap into your Inner B Type! Stop to smell the roses, to play a few games, and to enjoy your sweetie for no particular reason whatsoever. You feel more connected and a lot less bored. 

So whaddya say? Go ahead. Roll the dice, collect the money from free parking, pass GO and land in jail, yell bingo, break the bank. There are more times than not when life really can be fun and games.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

Get your download of Shela’s best-sellling book at no cost by signing up for her Everyday Foreplay Tips.  http://EverydayForeplay.com

Dating isn't something you do, it's a mindset.

You’ve heard it said that familiarity breeds contempt. Taken literally, that means the better you know someone, the more contempt you’ll feel for that person. I dunno.  I know my husband really, really well and I’m not contemptuous of him at all.  I think, however, that in a relationship, familiarity can breed boredom and laziness.

Nobody knows for sure what causes the first spark of attraction to fly. What we do know is that once the spark flies, your brain goes into overdrive. It oozes a hormone cocktail that has the same affect as cocaine. Really. That’s why new love is so seductively intoxicating, why you can’t think of anything else, and the air is alive with the snap, crackle ‘n pop of sexual energy. You’re quite literally high on your own hormones. It’s the best feeling ever. We never want it to end.

We like that feeling so much that we’re afraid it’ll slip through our fingers. So, we do everything within our power to “secure” the relationship and in so doing unwittingly destroy the very thing we hope to capture forever. Here’s why:

Dating and falling in love is a phase in the continuum of a long-term relationship that has exactly the opposite attributes of a marriage. What we love (and crave) about that phase is the adrenalin rush, the excitement, the spontaneity, the edginess of being vulnerable and emotionally at risk, the mind-blowing desire for the object of our obsession.  What we want in marriage is safety, security, predictability and routine. Do you see the problem?

Sure, you read somewhere that it’s a good idea for married folk to have date night as a way to keep the sparks flying. So, you have an occasional (or regular) night out. You do your best to tune out distractions, focus on each other, and spend quality time before returning to reality. That’s a good thing—well, at least it’s better than nothing. But here’s the deal: you can go on 50, 500 or even 5,000 “great dates” that include everything from an intimate home picnic to a Paris junket and still be left wondering what happened to that indescribably delicious feeling you had back when you were 24/7 dating. So let’s not confuse an intermittent dinner-and-movie date night with “dating.” Dating isn’t a thing you do from time to time. Dating is a mindset coupled with behavior.

When you were dating you were eager to impress and to please. You put your best foot forward. You were generous, attentive, and quickly stepped up to any plate. Of course you did, you were doing your best to win the heart of your beloved. Once you won that heart, sealed the deal with a ring, and were secure in the relationship, what happened? You stopped putting your best foot forward so that your less attractive attributes showed up. You weren’t quite as eager to please or impress. You got lazy and complacent.

If you want to keep the spark alive, then adopt a dating mindset. Treat your spouse the same as you did when you weren’t so sure that he or she was part of your happily ever after. Be eager to please and impress. Be attentive, generous and quick to step up to the plate. If you don’t, then the end of your story may be just the opposite of what you hoped back when you were falling in love. Oh, and while you’re at it, as the married-you, be just as creative in the romance department as you were when you were the dating-you!

Today is a great day for a last minute play-hooky-date with your sweetie, to hit the snooze button and snuggle under the blanket.  Too late?  Already at work when you stole the three minutes to read this?  Even better. You can plan to “steal” tomorrow and make it special with a little prep that you can do tonight.  Time with your honey to do nothing but enjoy each other, even in the silences—well, it just doesn’t get any better than that.

Time. It’s a limited commodity. You can’t buy more, and despite popular belief and a million multi-tasking tips, you can’t even save it.  Like an insistent river, it flows past whether we’re with our sweetie or not. All you can do is choose how to use what you’ve got.  So why not claim a day of YOUR time and spend it enjoying your honey, as warm and loving as you possibly can.  If you have children, get them off to school, close the door, and then languish in bed doing whatever comes to mind whether that’s wild, out-of-the-box love making, opening the newspaper and passing pieces back and forth over croissants and coffee, or watching old movies. Heck, you’ve got all day so do it all!

To make this day as rejuvenating as possible, here are a few rules:

Rule #1. This is not a day to deal with issues. it’s a day just to be quietly together.  Save the “issues” and worries for another day, they’ll still be there, I promise, but you’ll have renewed energy to deal with them. No criticism of any kind.  This is a time to rejuvenate and enjoy one another.  There’s no faster buzz-kill than a put down, no matter how well intentioned.

Rule #2. Turn off all social media, cell phones, laptops, and consider putting a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the front door to keep nosy neighbors from dropping by.

Rule #3. Set the stage for a great stay-at-home date.  Change the sheets and fluff the pillows.  Put on something comfy but sexy and have the fridge stocked with some favorite, lick-your-lips-delicious treats. Love champagne? Treat yourselves to fresh-squeezed OJ for mouth-watering mimosas.  Find shrimp cocktail irresistible?  Prepare everything the night before and add the chilled shrimp when you’re ready to serve.  Just remember, whatever you prepare, keep it simple. Sneak a fabulous bar of gourmet chocolate into both nightstands beside your bed.  Surprise your honey with a “cover your eyes and open your mouth” square of Ghirardelli or Godiva.

The bottom line is this: ask anybody whose life is nearing its end what they wish for more than anything, and the answer will never be more time to work at a desk or in the yard.  There’s nothing more important in this life than making time (well, we don’t really “make” time, so let’s say taking time) to spend, undistracted, with those we love.  It’s one sure way to rejuvenate your relationship and remain connected.

Play hooky. Call in sick.  Love sick.

There’s a split among experts about whether the kids or the relationship should come first. Frankly, I think putting your relationship first is putting your kids first. Why? Because if you want your children to grow up and have healthy, well-balanced relationships, a fulfilling sex-life, and a good sense of self, it starts with you setting the example.

It’s a parent’s #1 obligation to teach their children how to be happy, well-balanced, confident adults and very little else matters. I now have a grown child but I remember telling her, as she was growing up, that it was her job to move evolution in a forward direction, that she was to emulate my good points and ignore the rest. But I also knew that my words are secondary to my actions. E.g., I’m not a cook and have no interest in culinary arts. It occurred to me when my daughter was a young adult that I had never taught her so much as how to boil water, let alone whip up a souffe. Because my mother had taught me how to cook, I felt that I should have done the same. So I bought her a cookbook and wrote the following inscription: “Dear Lisa, I thought it was time I taught you how to cook. Read this. Love, Mom.” I don’t think she ever did. Like her mom, she may not be a whiz in the kitchen but, guess what? She’s happy. She’s self-confident. She’s self-sufficient and independent. She may not be able to fry an egg, but I did my job.

I was chronologically young when my daughter was born—just barely 22—and emotionally much younger. My growing-up legacy was one of self-doubt, poor self-esteem, lack of confidence, and a belief that I wasn’t worthy of the good things in life. I married the first guy dumb enough to ask me and, of course, that marriage didn’t last beyond Lisa’s second birthday. But I believed then that it was my job as Lisa’s mother to be the healthy, happy person I am today. That journey was long and arduous but my daughter watched and learned. You see, it doesn’t matter that I was a mess when she was born. What matters is that I morphed from mess to healthy. It doesn’t matter that it took me many years and that I’m still working on it. What matters is that I did it openly and within her view, teaching her one of life’s most valuable lessons. I’m proud of that.

You love your kids. You want more than anything for them to grow up to be happy, healthy, self-assured adults capable of forming happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. Love them enough to teach by example. Even if you’re a mess, even if your relationship is on the rocks, even if you’ve spent years giving your kids the wrong message, even if you think there’s little to no hope of turning things around, give it your best shot. Your kids, no matter what their age, will be watching and learning.f

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach and Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

The enemy of a great relationship is complacency. It begins so innocently. You forget how attractive, funny or caring your honey is because you’re together all the time. You get wrapped up in your “stuff” and forget to do the little, day-to-day things that make your sweetheart aware of your love. You forget how good life feels because you picked someone amazing and the lottery win of being picked back. Before you know it, you reach the relationship expiration date— the day one of you wakes up and thinks, “What am I doing here?”

The antidote to complacency is dating. Unfortunately, many couples stop dating once the deal is struck. Continuing to date after marriage or committing to a life partnership, however, is critical to keeping the ooh-la-la factor alive IF you do it right. Here’s how:

Set the stage for a great date long before the date begins. Not every date has to end in sex, but it’s sure nice when it does! After all, you already know you’re going home to the same bedroom. As I tell my audiences and the couples I coach, foreplay is all day, everyday. It does not begin when her warm body slides up next to his. It begins at breakfast and continues throughout the day. It’s the small gestures, the acts of kindness, the thoughtful, sweet and loving things you do that warm things up emotionally. You see, for great sex you need to stimulate two vital organs—the brain and the heart. Once that happens, you’re ready for the other kind of foreplay! Oh, and don’t forget the good night kiss at the door or a little make-out session in the car. Just because you’re crossing the threshold together doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a little spice-it-up time before you do.

Dress the part. Flash back time: remember how you used to prepare for a date with each other? Ladies, you thought all day about what to wear, you were flossed and glossed gorgeous, smelled heavenly, and felt sassy. Guys, you were showered and shaved, smelled great, wore nice clothes, and had the car washed. Do it again. Get dressed up for each other! Lookin’ hot casts a magic spell of deliciousness.

Find a quiet space. Dating your mate is so much more than dinner, the same old conversation, and a movie where you can’t talk at all. It’s about being together. You need to turn off the noise so you can turn on one another. Sometimes that means literally going to a quiet place where you can hear each other—an intimate restaurant, a bench by the ocean, or even the back seat of your car. And, it always means turning off the noise in your head and paying attention to your sweetie whether you’re talking ‘til dawn or dancing ‘til dawn.

Leave the grind behind. Nix the crap you usually talk about—this is not the time to talk about your kid’s grades, the jerk at work, or the home repairs that need to be done. This is the time to talk about the stuff you used to talk about when you were first dating. If necessary, plan ahead by making a list of topics. Be an attentive listener. Ask questions. A nod of your head, the touch of your hand, laughter or a smile, show that you are fully engaged and present. The best conversations, the ones where you learn about your sweetheart (and sometimes about yourself), happen only when all the background static is silent.

Remember, this is a date. It’s your time to be fun, relaxed, flirty and sexy with the person you love and adore. Keep it sweet and don’t forget dessert!

Shela Dean is a Relationship Coach, Speaker and Amazon Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. She is also the author of the popular Everyday Foreplay blog. Subscribe today!

I’ve been thinking a lot about dating and how a relationship is so ooh-la-la hot those first few months we’re in them.  You know what I mean, that can’t-live-without-you-another-second obsession and the please-stop-talking-and-kiss-me passion. Recent research says that some of those reactions are totally beyond our control.  We call it chemistry. Like our heartbeat, simply existing without our input, there’s a release of hormones that create the “falling” in love sensation. Okay, maybe we are a bit out of control when we’re in the falling-in-love stage, but as the relationship continues to the being-in-love stage there are things we absolutely can control, e.g., paying attention to our mate.

You see, as anyone in a relationship for any length of time knows, it’s easy to get stuck in the rut you said you’d never fall into. Every relationship guru on the planet, including me, encourages committed couples to continue dating. But, it’s easy to see why dating takes a back seat to the daily demands of life. It doesn’t happen by magic. Nobody throws open Door #1 to reveal a weeklong trip to the Bahamas or even a simple romantic dinner for two.  It takes planning and imagination.

And, it takes money. True, a backyard picnic can provide more sidesplitting hilarity than a comedy show and a bubble bath for two can be sexier than a weekend away.  It’s all what you put into it. But, you can’t do stay-at-home dates all the time. You have to invest both time and money. Feel like there’s no room in the budget? I ask you …what’s more expensive: dating or divorce?

So, here’s what I want you to do. Let your imagination run wild and dream up some great dates. Don’t worry about what they cost. From the ideal, you can whittle away to what you can afford. Sit down with your sweetheart and put the dates on the calendar, one a month. Need a little help? You got it! Send me your ideas by email and I’ll help you plan a great date, tossing in a few ideas of my own.

Look, it’s simple. It you don’t make your relationship a priority, you’ll either lose it or drift apart. If you don’t date and work at keeping the spark alive, you run the risk of becoming really good friends who simply live together.  I love my friends but I don’t want my marriage to be comfort, complaints and coffee.  I want it to be all that and more—intimacy on every level.  That’s the bull’s eye

Here’s to you and to your sexy, steamy love affair.

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach and Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

I recently met a friend for coffee. She shared that she’d been mad at her husband for a year.  A year???  Wow. It made me sad to think someone could be angry for so long and it also made me think about kissing and making up. All couples have arguments. Hubby Dale and I are no exception. We get irritated with each other but it doesn’t last long. We enjoy each other too much to stay angry. And, think of all the great makeup sex we’d miss!!!

Are you in the mad-for-too-long zone? Come on, you’re in a relationship—not a wrestling match. Go a round or two if you must but then get out of the ring, kiss and make up. If you’ve been angry too often or too long, read on:

#1. Kiss and Make Up. In my book, Frequent Foreplay Miles, I explain why couples so often butt heads, step on each other’s toes, and get their wires crossed. I also explain how to avoid those situations and how to heal the damages when they occur. We all want to “win” the fight. Unfortunately, what so many think of as “winning” is really losing. With Frequent Foreplay Miles you still get to keep score!  But instead of someone losing and someone winning, you both end up winners.

Frequent Foreplay Miles helps you see every interaction (even an argument) as an opportunity for building up, instead of breaking down. You’ll speak candidly and argue constructively, spin negatives into positives and embrace your differences rather than lash out futilely. You’ll learn to cherish each other again. Is it an overnight journey? Nope. Like every other journey it begins with one step. The first step is to just kiss and agree to make up. Steps 2 and 3 will get you on and keep you on the path to a great relationship.  

#2. Wake up to a new world. Some people say don’t go to bed angry.  While that may be a great theory, sometimes it’s just too difficult to reach that ideal, especially if you’ve been angry at your not-so-sweetie for a while.  How about don’t wake up angry instead?  Wake up to a new day.  Let yesterday be in yesterday.  Get up resolved to see your partner’s good qualities, the ones that made you love him or her in the first place. You can choose a different perspective. It’s not always easy, but it’s possible.

#3. Find a Relationship Coach – Even if it’s Just for You. A coach can help you with #2. If your partner won’t join you, go anyway. You’ll learn some great tools to rebuild your love affair and get on with the good life. The quickest way to change someone else’s behavior is to change your own. Coaching helps you be the best partner you can be and that goes a long towards having a great relationship. Don’t worry about your partner. Worry about yourself. Once your partner sees change in you, he or she will soon jump on the bandwagon.
Anger. By letting it go, you make room for the happiness I know you want.

Shela Dean

Eat your broccoli. It’s good for you.

Take your cod liver oil. It’s good for you.

Exercise daily. It’s good for you.

Have sex. It’s good for you.

Huh? Broccoli, cod liver oil, exercise and sex are all in the same do-it-cuz-it’s-good-for-you category. Don’t you think that argument (and we’ve heard a lot of it lately) makes having sex sound like something you do while holding your nose? Something you have to do because it’s good for you? Imagine saying to your sweetheart, “Okay, had my daily dose of veggies, went for a run, took my vitamins and fish oil, so how ‘bout it, babe, ready for a roll in the day?” Yeah, that’ll stoke the fires. Not.

If the it’s-good-for-you argument really worked, we’d all be in great shape with a ‘frig full of fruits and veggies instead of a freezer full of Haagen Dazs ice cream. And we’d all be late to work if you know what I mean. No woman would ever again say, “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.” Why? Because the mere act of hugging, kissing and engaging in any kind of sexual activity releases the our-good-friend hormone oxytocin. Yep, that’s the stuff in painkillers that’s so easy to become addicted to.

We’d all be having rip-roaring romps in the hay, despite a headache, backache or pain in the neck—because it would be just what the doctor ordered! We’d all have healthy hearts. If we had a daily dose of sex, the number of fatal heart attacks would drop dramatically because of all the increased circulation, exercise and stress relief benefits of sex.

We’d all be in great shape because having sex burns calories. Heck, you don’t even need a weight set or a jump rope for this one (unless you add a little creativity to the mix…!) And, we’d all have a rosy, healthy glow.

When, I ask you, was the last time you had sex because it’s good for you? I never have. I don’t think of sex as a chore, something I have to do in order to stay healthy. I think of sex as a mini-vacation with my sweetheart, something to be enjoyed, a time for fun. It’s when we escape the job, the kids, the bills, the worrying, the dog…(just add your own list here and roll your eyes). Curling up in the arms of your sweetheart and feeling his or her breath on your ear—or his or her arms around you—there’s just nothing like it.

Look, I get it. I really do. We all let the demands of daily life get in the way. It’s easy for me to tell you to get a babysitter, schedule a date night, make time for yourselves. If it were as easy to put into action, however, we wouldn’t need Relationship Coaches or my book Frequent Foreplay Miles. Instead of thinking of having sex as something to do because it’s good for you, think of it as giving you more than the two-weeks vacation most of have every year. Take mini-vacations together, in the bedroom. Taking the time to be IN the love that you work so hard to create, well, that’s the good stuff in life. It is the reward. Not making time for those simple loving moments says a lot more than you’re tired. Definitely something to think about.

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

It’s here!  Another new year!  With the effortless flick of a clock’s hand, as if by magic, we start anew. Ah, if only it was as easy as waving a magic wand to start anew in other ways. A flick of the wrist and poof! All our difficulties would disappear If only!

In relationships it sometimes feels like the opposite of this is true.  When issues arise (as they do in every relationship), they often seem insurmountable when, in fact, we really can make them disappear without much effort. You see, the solution is usually right in front of you IF you don’t let the roadblocks (i.e., pride, fear and distractions) get in the way. Come on, you often know in your heart exactly what’s wrong in your love life and you also know the fix.  For instance, how often have you thought, “If only we could have date night once in a while,” or, “We never have sex any more.” And, how many times have you done nothing about it? Or, worse, wondered with frustration why your partner doesn’t show the initiative to move “us” forward? All it really takes to get from point A to point B is charting a path.  Someone has to take the initiative. Why not you?

It’s a new year and a great time to leap over roadblocks and make a bee line to the fix for what’s “wrong” in your relationship. As it is with great companies and great lives, in great relationships, it’s the constant reassessing and redirecting of objectives, assets and responsibility that keeps them on a path toward growth and success. Today is a wonderful day to begin that trip with your sweetheart. Sit with your honey this weekend and create four or five New Year’s Relationship Resolutions.  Then, chart your course for how to reach those goals. Be as specific as possible—especially considering the possible roadblocks that could stand in your way. Assign responsibility to one or the other of you wherever possible.For example, if one of your Relationship Resolutions is to spend more time as a couple, instead of just being “mom and dad,” then be sure to make a responsibility list of things like:

* Childcare

* Choosing an activity and or great restaurant

* Budget for the day or evening

* Possibly inviting another couple

Whatever you set as your relationship goals for 2011, remember to schedule monthly check ups.  Don’t be like so many couples that take better care of their cars they do their relationships!  Calendar a time each month to look at how you’re meeting your goals.  Where are you hitting the ball out of the park?  Where are you falling short?  (Remember, this isn’t a bitch and complain session. It’s just a few minutes to redirect if you’ve lost track of your important hopes and dreams for 2011.) 

Finally, no matter how great your relationship may be, you gotta’ pay attention to it or it won’t be great for long.  Even if you’re racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles almost daily, you still to check in every so often and make sure you’re on the same page. 

Here’s to you, to your wonderful relationships, to your friends and family, and to all you hold dear.  May 2011 be filled with health, wealth, wonder, and break-the-bank Frequent Foreplay Miles.

With love, Shela Dean, Relationship Expert and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

Yes, the holidays are here.  It’s December 23^rd – the work day is ending early, the final bows are getting tied and the fruitcakes are being boxed to regift.  Hah! 

If your holiday haze is getting thicker and heavier, here’s a few ways release the ho hum and bring back the wow!  For this tool to work, you’ll need your holiday honey.

1. Jingle his (or her) bells. (I bet you thought I was going to be dirty here, huh?)  Okay, people, keep it out of the street.  How about an unexpected phone call – even if your honey is just on the other side of the house.  Share your favorite memory and the two things you loved most about him or her on the day you realized you were in love. X-rate it by adding a few sweet nothings at the end and setting a date to meet in bed later that evening.

2. You know dancer and prancer and comet and vixen. Why not be the vixen?  Meet your honey later tonight in a sexy pair of silk boxers or a great silk nightgown.  You can add dancer with a few fun moves as you make your way through the door.  The worst thing that will happen?  You’ll both crack up laughing!

3. But the fire is so delightful! If you’ve got a fireplace, by all means use it!  Don’t be too busy for that one cup of cocoa or java.  Light the fire and then light up your honey!  No fireplace?  Don’t worry – even the flame of a simple candle can be wildly romantic! 

4. While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads! Okay, I have to admit, I don’t know where you can get sugar plums, even in December – but a great box of rich chocolate covered cherries and a bottle of sweet wine should do the trick.  Or maybe the delicious bottle of hazelnut liqueur, Frangelico, originally created early Christian monks over 300 years ago living in the hills of Northern Italy. With each bite or sip, tell your honey why he or she makes your life sweeter.

5. Christmas carols! No, you don’t have to sing!  How about turning on some great music and RELAXING for an hour.  If you don’t have a great CD handy, you don’t have to worry.  Pandora.com is a fabulous, free source of great music – and it’s intuitive.  Play more of what you like, and it rotates it in to your commercial-free line up.  Curl up with your honey and relax.  The wrapping will still be there tomorrow, and the fruitcake will survive another day.  Take the time to listen and unwind.

No matter what your lists are (or how long), remember that the holidays are really something to be treasured, not endured.  Take the time to RECEIVE the love.  And to give it.  Your holiday honey is the best gift you’ve got, after all.  Unwrap your beloved’s heart. Be in the moment and for right now, set aside any worries.  Be IN the moment.  That is the real present, after all! 

To your joy, your peace and your WOW!  Shela Dean