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Posts Tagged ‘healthy relationships’

Constructive Criticism Seldom Is

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

“You have more butt than you need, but you have a nice shape.” That’s the closest my hubby Dale has come to criticizing me and to be honest, his comment was merely a verbal observation of fact. I now have more butt than when the comment was made, but he’s never said another word about it. Bless him.

Coupling up bestows permission to say things (e.g., about your sweetie’s butt) that might not otherwise be appropriate. However, there’s a very thin line, over which you ought not to step, between criticism and comments such as that made by Dale. Criticism trashes emotional intimacy. Here’s why: To be justified in criticizing another person, the following must be true:

• You are right and the other person is wrong,
• You are superior in position or knowledge, and
• You have the right to voice criticism and demand certain behavior.

Your sweetheart’s boss, drill sergeant, mother, coach, personal trainer, or professor may meet that criteria but, as your partner’s equal, you do not. What you are (or should be) is the one person on the planet who your partner can always, absolutely, no questions asked, no doubt about it, count on for support. If you want emotional intimacy (and who doesn’t) then never, ever cause your partner to question that support.

You already know that shouting, “You’re lazy!” is more likely to result in the cold shoulder than help around the house. “No, honey, you’re wrong,” won’t endear you to your partner. “You could lose a few pounds,” is likely to get you cut off from you-know-what for several weeks! I don’t need to remind you that overt criticism plays havoc with intimacy. What we all need to remember is that it’s those situations where we’re tempted to give “constructive criticism” that are tricky. Here’s an example:

Your sweetheart is down in the dumps because, in his annual review, the boss said he’s too independent. It may be accurate to say, “Playing well with others is not your strong point. You need to work on that.” And your intention may be loving and the criticism may arguably be constructive, but would it be helpful? Probably not. There’s a good chance your partner will interpret your comment as siding with the boss, who at that moment is public enemy #1. What does that make you?

In this example, supporting your sweetheart doesn’t mean going on a rant about how clueless the boss is. It means saying and doing those things that will help your sweetheart come to his own conclusion about how to best handle it. Until asked for your advice and your help, keep it to yourself. When asked, be careful to give suggestions that are helpful and supportive WITHOUT expressing a single critical word. It’s not up to you to point out your sweetheart’s flaws or to tell him or her how to fix those flaws. If you need to fix something, work on yourself.

To be emotionally intimate, you must be connected. Criticism severs that connection and has no place in an intimate relationship. Noel Coward said it best, “I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.”

Intimacy Rituals

Monday, December 28th, 2009

Have you ever noticed how a good marriage has the attributes of friendship?  Someone’s there to zip your dress, give an opinion about what tie goes with the jacket, fetch aspirin for your headache, and (and this is important!) laugh at your jokes, funny or goofy. Good stuff. But what sustains a marriage and what makes living together on a daily basis, with all the ups and downs, easy and comfortable is Emotional Intimacy. That’s why it’s important for every couple to have intimacy rituals that can be practiced daily.

No, I don’t mean candles, heated massage oil, and the hot tub. Those are great—for sexual intimacy. But let’s not confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In the falling-in-love fireworks stage of your relationship, intimacy equaled SEX! But once you settle into your nest, the stork pays a visit or two, there’s a lawn to be mowed, the cat has to go to the vet, kids need chauffeuring or help with homework, the car breaks down, the toilet backs up, one of you loses a job, gets sick, or has an argument with a friend. All of that makes you too tired to think, let alone jump each other’s bones.

When the now-less-frequent opportunity for sex presents itself, there are times when you really do have a headache, are beyond irritated by your mouthy teen-ager’s attitude, have an early flight to catch, or for whatever reason you’re just not in the mood. It’s a bummer, I agree, but you just cannot rely on sex to provide the intimacy you need to have a great relationship. Yes, a good sex life is important, but without emotional intimacy, your marriage is likely to wither and die no matter how great the sex may be.

Intimacy rituals don’t have to be complicated or take a big chunk of time and can even be part of a daily chore or event. Here’s what Hubby Dale and I do. At the beginning of the day, Dale sits in the bathroom and chats with me while I get dressed for the office. We don’t talk about anything special, we’re just together for a few minutes before we go our separate ways. We come back together over dinner. We don’t answer the phone and the TV is off. We talk about current events or Dale’s trip to the grocery store where he ran into a friend, we chuckle over something cute a grandchild said, we plan a dinner party, or revisit a favorite memory. An eavesdropper would find it mundane, but for us, it’s a reconnection after being apart all day.

For you, an intimacy ritual might be calling each other on your lunch hour and taking 15 minutes to catch up on your day, cooking dinner together, doing an evening crossword puzzle, playing dominoes, or turning off the TV, snuggling and chatting for 20 minutes before going to sleep.

Converting an everyday event into an intimacy ritual may require nothing more than a change in how you view that activity. Finding the time may be as easy as doing together what one usually does alone. Bathing the baby, pulling weeds, grocery shopping, preparing the evening meal, washing the cars, etc., are all opportunities for the kind of togetherness that fosters emotional intimacy. You just need the right state of mind.

Give it a try and see how much closer you will be.  Then, let me know how it works out.

Sexiest Man Alive

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

I think Johnny Depp, this year’s sexiest man alive, is hot. If you’re not convinced, rent What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, one of Johnny’s early movies (also starring a young Leonardo DiCaprio) and feast your eyes on some great Johnny close-ups. I also think Hugh Jackman, last year’s sexiest man alive, is hot. Two hotties. Both married. I don’t know Johnny’s wife and I don’t know Hugh’s wife but I’m pretty sure of one thing:  to those women, these guys are just the men they’re married to, expected to take out the trash, help with the kids, put the groceries away, throw their dirty socks in the hamper, put the toilet seat down, and, well, you get the picture. Just regular guys who People magazine happened to brand “sexiest man alive.”

As I was thumbing through the latest issue of People, feasting my eyes on one hot guy after another, I glanced at my guy who, looking a bit disheveled, chose that very moment to belch. He’s developed a bit of a paunch (just a little one) and his jowls are a bit more pronounced than they were a year ago. He’s no more likely to be People’s sexiest man alive than I am to be on the cover of next year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. But in my world, he is the sexiest man alive. Why? Well, I happen to think he’s a great looking guy, even with a slight paunch and jowls. More importantly, he’s gives great emotional foreplay.

Oprah asked Hugh Jackman if his status got him any leverage at home. He said, “Nope, I’m still expected to take out the trash.” Oprah’s reply: “That’s foreplay.”  She’s right. And my hubby Dale gets it. He takes out the trash. And, he’s kind, he’s generous, he’s supportive, he’s loving. He’s a great partner in every important sense of the word. Does that make him sexy? Yep. And I’ll betcha a buck that if we asked Johnny’s wife and Hugh’s wife, they’d both agree that what makes their guy sexy is not how he looks, but how he plays the role of husband and partner.

It’s fun to look at (maybe even fantasize about) eye candy. But when it comes to slipping between the sheets, I’ll take my sexiest man alive every time.

How ’bout you? Are you the sexiest man/woman alive in your sweetheart’s world?

Remarriage: The Blend Setting on the Cuisinart of Life

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

It’s been 10+ years since I did the remarriage thing. And I’ll admit it, I’m one of the lucky ones. Hubby Dale lived on a boat. He had nothing (I’m not kidding, nothing) to move into my house that I had decorated precisely to my taste. No recliner. No Elvis-on-Velvet art. Nada. All he asked was 3 feet of closet space. With some pushing and condensing I managed to squeeze out just about that much. And, he has no kids. Blending our lives was pretty simple. But for many couples, remarriage is all about blending. The kids. The finances. The pets. The former in-laws. All of that’s a breeze, however, compared to blending your stuff.

You’ve both got a house full of furniture, art, knickknacks, and–‘fess up–a ton of crap that by any standard belongs in a garage sale at best, more likely in the trash. But it’s your crap, thank you very much, and you’re attached to it: the molded-to-his-backside recliner with cup holder and duct-tape-repaired rip…the tattered-but-beloved bed canopy your great-grandmother crocheted in the previous century…the paint-by-number landscape your grown-up son did as a ten-year old…the ceramic frog collection you started as a kid that now occupies an entire bookcase. It’s no small task to find a place for all that stuff let alone tastefully mix early American milk glass with contemporary chrome ‘n glass.

Remarriage. Yep, it’s a challenge. It’s enough to make one seriously contemplate Katharine Hepburn’s approach. She said, “I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” I dunno, Katharine. Sharing the nest with your sweetheart is pretty darned nice. So, think of all that stuff-blending as an opportunity to score points (or what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). If you do, you’ll find yourselves each giving in a little and before you know it, you’ll have your cozy nest just the way it should be, recliner, ceramic frogs and all.

Intimacy: When Less is More

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Hubby Dale and a guy friend sat on their boat knocking down a few beers and whiled away a lazy afternoon by listing body “ations”—urination, expectoration, perspiration, etc. I tried, but failed, to imagine doing the same with a girlfriend. We would identify the three most important “ations”—exfoliation, ovulation and menstruation, three these two geniuses missed—and then go shoe shopping.

Like it or not, “ations” are part of life. When you’re cheek by jowl it’s impossible to pretend, as you do in those early getting-to-know-each-other days, that you’re the only person on the planet who doesn’t experience them. At some point, one or the other of you will fart, belch, or leave the bathroom in need of fumigation. One bit of relaxed behavior leads to another and before you know it, you’re sharing—perhaps over-sharing—all those “ations.”

It’s not fair to stereotype but it seems to me that most guys never quite get over their middle-school fascination with body functions, especially flatulation and eructation (belching). There’s even a certain pride that some men take in “ations” as if the louder the belch or the more pungent the flatulence, the more manly they are. I. Do. Not. Get. It.

Okay, I admit it. I sometimes see the humor. Dale and I were at a Wednesday afternoon matinee, the favorite showing for folks from the retirement community. During a quiet moment Dale coughed so hard he ripped one. A really loud one. The elderly woman in front of Dale reached up and patted her head as if she feared the blast had dislodged her wig. We could not stop laughing and had to leave.

Then there’s grooming. In a perfect world, we’d all wake up as they do in the soaps—perfect hair, perfect make-up, no morning breath. You wouldn’t need to floss or brush your teeth, clip your toenails, exfoliate, mud pack, shave, or file your calluses. It’s soooooooooo not a perfect world.

I think most body functions and grooming should be done behind closed doors. Dale is more relaxed. I’m convinced he’d never seek privacy but for the fact that he reads on the john and doesn’t want to be disturbed. Oddly, the one thing that grosses him out is watching me put my contacts on. You may consider that as weird as I do, but it does demonstrate an important point. When it comes to body functions and grooming, it’s a good idea to know when you’re crossing your sweetie’s “that’s disgusting” line. We all have our quirks. Kathy is grossed out by teeth flossing, Elijah by ear wax on Q-Tips. I need complete privacy to groom my feet. Nail clippings make Rebecca want to hurl. Respect your sweetheart’s quirks and avoid the gross out.

It may be impossible to maintain the same level of propriety you would around a total stranger, but remember this: In an intimate relationship, there are times when less is more.

A Tribute to Patrick and Lisa Swayze

Saturday, September 19th, 2009

I didn’t know much about Patrick Swayze, other than I loved him in Ghost and Dirty Dancing, until I read about him in People. I did not know, for example, that he was married to his childhood sweetheart Lisa and that they had been married for 34 years. By all accounts, theirs was a special relationship, the kind we’d all like to have. I’m always impressed when people get it right the first time, especially when they marry so young and then face extraordinary challenges such as fame, and in Patrick’s case alcoholism. I am profoundly sad that Lisa has lost her husband, her best friend, and her anchor, made all the more sad by the fact that she no doubt can hardly remember life without him, so long ago did they find each other. I can’t begin to imagine the huge emotional hole that is left. Their marriage is an inspiration to all of us. In a profound act of intimacy after his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer, they together wrote the memoir The Time of My Life. I hope that reliving the memories recorded there will bring some solace to Lisa. I, for one, look forward to reading the book and learning the secret to their long and special relationship. I suspect it will be much the same as that of Paul and Linda McCartney.

I listened to a Paul McCartney interview at the height of his fame. He was asked how he and Linda managed to stay so happily married with all his success and with millions of women available to him. He said, “It’s simple. I love her.”  Wow.

Jon and Kate; Ashton and Demi: Lessons in Marital Intimacy

Saturday, August 15th, 2009

Okay, I know that every person on the planet has weighed in on the Jon & Kate marriage debacle. I’ve wanted to give them the “privacy” they deserve even if they are hell-bent on airing their dirty laundry in public. But, with this last bit of news—the cops being summoned to the house—I can’t help myself. It’s easy to point the finger of blame and say that Kate is a control freak and drove Jon out the door. It’s also easy to see that Jon’s maturity level is apparently just a point or two above that of his young children. But, come on, folks, “fault” is a blurry line. They are both “at fault” and I, for one, say none of us knows—or can know—the bazillion little things that chipped away at the intimacy they once shared. Like most relationships that fail, their marriage suffered death by a thousand cuts.

Ask anyone if infidelity can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course,” as if you had asked the dumbest question in the history of the world. Ask that same person if once forgetting your sweetheart’s birthday can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course not!” as if you had asked the second dumbest question in the history of the world. That person would be wrong. A forgotten birthday might be the last in a long string of little hurts and disappointments that seals a relationship’s fate. We’ll never know (Jon and Kate may not even know) what little cut sapped the last bit of vitality from the Gosselin marriage.

In my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy (to be released next month) I talk about racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles by doing those things that resonate with your sweetie to build a reservoir a good will to draw on when you screw up. Jon & Kate blew that one. They each lost more Frequent Foreplay Miles than they earned. Divorce is

the result. Contrast that to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.  Ashton is featured in the August 14 edition of TIME and in answer to a question about what he does for Demi to score points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles), he says that he tries “to do things without keeping score, without expecting something in return or without having an agenda.” Good for him. The fact is, however, we all keep score. Here’s how it works: Your sweetheart brings you coffee in bed, 5 points. It follows a night of wild sex, 30 points bonus. You have a crazy busy day at work, your sweetheart has lunch delivered to your office, 30 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10 point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 10. Your sweetie leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side, 15 point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50 point penalty. Sure, we don’t keep a numerical score. But, we give greater emotional significance to those things that affect us the most. If that weren’t true then a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigod! factor as a new toaster oven. Infidelity would get you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill.

Remember this: When it comes to creating and sustaining intimacy in your relationship, the little stuff counts. It counts big time. Never miss an opportunity—large or small—to pick up Frequent Foreplay Miles. Avoid losing them whenever possible.

Reserve an autographed copy of my new book to learn more!

Get Old. Get Happy. Creating Intimacy by Hangin' in There!

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

News flash!  The older you are the happier you are–or so says a new study. I’m not surprised.

I’ve reached the big six-oh and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I no longer care–as I did in my youth–about wearing shoes that look fabulous when you’re sitting down but in which you cannot walk more than 2 steps without wincing in agony. I dress around my bunions and I do not care if my shoes are slightly less–okay a lot less–fashionable than strappy little 5″ stilettos. I’m a grandparent and happy about it. I feel sorry for other grandparents who think their grandkids are the cutest kids ever born. Mine really are and I unabashedly proclaim that to the entire world. But here’s the really cool thing. I may be creeping up on old age faster than I’d like, but I’m doin’ it with my best friend, my sweetheart, my lover, my hang out buddy. He’s the guy who makes me laugh, who gets my jokes, who sighs with sympathy when my lower back aches, who doesn’t care that I don’t wear stilettos, and with whom I can while away hours on end with memories of great times we’ve had and plan even more of the same. He’s the guy who, while we sit on the sofa watching TV, reaches over to hold my hand and with that quiet small-but-intimate gesture says, “I love you.”  He’s the guy who, with just a smile, can make my heart sing. In your early days, intimacy comes with fireworks.  There’s only one thing as good as that: the kind of contented intimacy that comes with time and experience.

When you’re at your wit’s end, or your sweetheart has done something so clueless you wonder if he or she has suffered a head injury, or you find yourself remembering your single days with fondness, hang in there. Your reward will be the happiness and contentment that comes with having grown old together. It’s pretty darned special.

Creating Intimacy with a Beer Summit

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009

All this ballyhoo about four guys getting together to down a brew or two has got me thinking maybe they’re onto something. After all, Professor Gates and the guy who arrested him, Officer Crowley, now seem to be best buddies.

True, anyone who sits down with the prez (members of Congress excluded of course) is likely to behave. But I think it was the beer. Breaking bread or imbibing together is just so darned civilized. Think about it. What’s the first thing you do when someone comes to your home? Offer food and beverage, then sit down to polite conversation.

Hmmmmmm . . . here’s an idea: The next time you and your sweetie lock horns, try saying, “Honey, can I pour you a [insert beverage of choice]?” If a beer summit can bring arrestee and cop together, think what a Pinot Noir summit or a Dom Perignon summit can do for your marital bliss. Ah, the joys of make-up sex! As for me, a glass or two of the bubbly and I’m about as forgiving and willing (wink, wink) as I can get. Try it and lemme know how it works out for you.

Take Your Marriage Vitamins 'Cuz Divorce is Bad for Your Health

Friday, July 31st, 2009

CNN ran a story a day or two ago about how divorce has a permanently bad affect on your mental and physical health. In my case NOT getting a divorce would have had a permanently bad affect on my mental—and his physical—health!! Sometimes we just blow it. Maybe we’re  too young to get married, lookin’ for love in the wrong place, or too screwed up to know when to just say, “No!” Then, we come to our senses and divorce is the answer.

Having said that, divorce sucks no matter what. Did you know that a huge percentage of people who get a divorce are sorry they threw in the towel and wish they’d tried harder? I get it. I am crazy in love with my hubby Dale and I don’t miss my ex (nice guy that he may be), but I kinda’ sorta’ wish  I’d done it right from the get-go and avoided the divorce track altogether. My kid would have grown up in a two-parent home and I’d probably have a lot more money in the bank. Sigh.

So, look, if you find yourself envying your single friends, you or your sweetie are spending way too much time on thin ice or in the dog house, or you find yourself wondering if the jail time for physical assault is worth it, maybe it’s time to put the attitude brakes on and make a U-Turn in the way you think about your still-significant-other. Try this: Take a quiet moment to list five times when your sweetheart made you think you’re the luckiest person on the planet. Those times don’t have to be the stuff of epic romance novels, just sweet times. Maybe it’s the day you planted the now fully matured roses, or sat on a bench holding hands enjoying the view, or cooked Thai food together for the first time. Reliving those memories just might give you the oomph to work a tad harder at keeping your marriage together. It’s like vitamins—taking one won’t make you healthy, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Whadya got to lose?

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