One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all, you’ll have so much to talk about.  Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food.  We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel.  We also have a very fundamental difference.  I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type.  In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship.  Rewind the tape back to when we were first dating and on our way to an early evening BBQ.  I was contributing the salad and we were running late.  As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside.  It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful.  After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time.  That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life.  Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes.  While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful.  My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.   Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way.  Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered.  Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue.  Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time.  I win.  He wins.  Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Do an Amazon search on “self-improvement” or “self-help” and you’ll get a long, long list of books to choose from. There are books on how to have better communication, better sex, more intimacy, fair fights, more fun, less conflict, a more fulfilling life, more self-confidence, more self-esteem, and so on and so on.

What you won’t find is a book based on the premise that you’re perfect but your sweetheart needs a complete overhaul and would be much happier and a better partner if he or she were your clone. Yet, that’s the approach we so often take. We not only think we’re right, we think our opinion rises to the level of a universal truth and are completely baffled when our sweetheart doesn’t get it. So, we make it our mission to put in the fix. Let me give you an example from my own relationship.

I am a nutcake about timeliness. I am never late (usually early) and it chaps my hide when someone keeps me waiting. My sweetheart Dale, on the other hand, is relaxed about time commitments. So relaxed that in our early days, he was late often enough that my internal dialog went like this: “He is always late, which is rude. He has no respect for me or my time. He thinks his time is more valuable. That is arrogant and self-centered. Yada yada yada . . .” until I was all worked up about it and royally irritated. I was determined to “fix” the problem, i.e., get him to see that I was right and he was wrong. I explained patiently and rationally why he should change…it didn’t work. I nagged…it didn’t work. I demanded…it didn’t work. I pouted…it didn’t work.

Then one day it hit me: It was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue. To Dale, it is not mutually exclusive to be late and still have respect for me. He isn’t arrogant or self-centered. He’s an in-the-moment kind of guy—something I admire about him and wouldn’t want to change even though it means he sometimes forgets to watch the clock. Dale’s standards are just different from mine. To him, who cares about a few minutes here or there? If someone keeps him waiting he doesn’t get his shorts in a knot. He entertains himself until the doorbell rings. If it’s important to catch a plane, he’s there. When there’s room for slide, he relaxes. Who am I to say he’s wrong?

I stopped demanding that Dale change based upon The Gospel According to Shela. I no longer demand perfection. I let Dale know when it’s truly important for him to be on time. And, he is. Other times, I shrug off his being late as the no big deal that it is. He wins. I win. We’re both much happier.

You may have heard it said that the quickest way to change someone’s behavior is to change your own. It’s so true! It wasn’t until I made an attitude U-turn that Dale stopped resisting my efforts to “fix” him and happily changed his behavior to be more clock-aware when it was truly important.

If you are hell bent on improving something, then buy a few of those self-improvement books and get to work on making you a better you.  The more you know yourself, the more you value yourself, and the better person you are, the better partner you will be. By changing your behavior and becoming a better person, you support your partner in doing the same.

Author:

Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.

In 1975 Paul Simon released his hit song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”  I recently looked up the lyrics and discovered something I’d failed to notice in 1975 when I was hummin’ along. The song is about a woman giving a man advice on how to extricate himself from his current relationship. The song ends with said woman kissing him and suggesting that they sleep on it, a suggestion which leads him to conclude that she’s probably right—there must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Hmmmm . . . sounds like that woman had her own agenda!

If your relationship hits a rough patch, it’s tempting to focus on the 50 things your partner does “wrong” and the 50 “reasons” why things are falling apart. If we apply Newton’s law of physics—a thing in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon—it’s easy to see that such negative thinking will lead to pondering which of the 50 ways to leave your lover is the way to go.

In today’s crazy busy world in which electronic devices control our lives, it’s easy to sit in front of the TV, each with a laptop or iPhone, and be completely not together while in the same room. We have careers, charity work, kids to ferry about, pets to walk, gyms to visit, parties to plan, aging parents to care for.  We have so many demands on our lives and our time that it’s easy to let our relationship take a back seat until, one day, we find ourselves humming Paul Simon’s song.

I got to thinking . . . if there are 50 ways to leave your lover, there must be at least 50 ways to love your lover. If you did just one every day, your relationship couldn’t help but be more emotionally intimate. Your relationship, like all dynamic things that requires care and feeding, would flourish. So, here’s my suggestion—regardless of whether your relationship is cruising or has hit a speed bump, make a list of 50 ways to love your sweetheart and then do one (or more) every day. Even better, make your lists together and give your sweetheart ideas on how to love you. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Turn off the TV and play gin rummy.
• Call your sweetheart at work just to say, “I’m thinking about you.”
• Slip into your sweetheart’s shower.
• Give a back rub.
• Send your honey a flirty text message.
• Surprise your sweetheart with his or her favorite dessert.
• Give a hug for no reason at all.
• Tell your sweetheart how happy you are to have him or her in your life.
• Hold hands as you fall asleep.
• Give a compliment.
• Surprise your sweetheart by doing one of his or her chores.
• Pull the photo album off the shelf and take a trip down memory lane.
• Touch your sweetie’s cheek.
• Tell your sweetheart what you love about him or her.
• Make your good-bye kiss 10 seconds longer.

There are everyday demands on your time and energy that you just can’t avoid. Sure, on Saturday you may skip your shower and on Sunday you may skip your morning run, but we all have responsibilities and obligations that sap the vitality right out of us. Don’t make the mistake of putting your relationship last. There are 50 ways to love your lover. Right now, right his minute, think of one and then just do it!

“You have more butt than you need, but you have a nice shape.” That’s the closest my hubby Dale has come to criticizing me and to be honest, his comment was merely a verbal observation of fact. I now have more butt than when the comment was made, but he’s never said another word about it. Bless him.

Coupling up bestows permission to say things (e.g., about your sweetie’s butt) that might not otherwise be appropriate. However, there’s a very thin line, over which you ought not to step, between criticism and comments such as that made by Dale. Criticism trashes emotional intimacy. Here’s why: To be justified in criticizing another person, the following must be true:

• You are right and the other person is wrong,
• You are superior in position or knowledge, and
• You have the right to voice criticism and demand certain behavior.

Your sweetheart’s boss, drill sergeant, mother, coach, personal trainer, or professor may meet that criteria but, as your partner’s equal, you do not. What you are (or should be) is the one person on the planet who your partner can always, absolutely, no questions asked, no doubt about it, count on for support. If you want emotional intimacy (and who doesn’t) then never, ever cause your partner to question that support.

You already know that shouting, “You’re lazy!” is more likely to result in the cold shoulder than help around the house. “No, honey, you’re wrong,” won’t endear you to your partner. “You could lose a few pounds,” is likely to get you cut off from you-know-what for several weeks! I don’t need to remind you that overt criticism plays havoc with intimacy. What we all need to remember is that it’s those situations where we’re tempted to give “constructive criticism” that are tricky. Here’s an example:

Your sweetheart is down in the dumps because, in his annual review, the boss said he’s too independent. It may be accurate to say, “Playing well with others is not your strong point. You need to work on that.” And your intention may be loving and the criticism may arguably be constructive, but would it be helpful? Probably not. There’s a good chance your partner will interpret your comment as siding with the boss, who at that moment is public enemy #1. What does that make you?

In this example, supporting your sweetheart doesn’t mean going on a rant about how clueless the boss is. It means saying and doing those things that will help your sweetheart come to his own conclusion about how to best handle it. Until asked for your advice and your help, keep it to yourself. When asked, be careful to give suggestions that are helpful and supportive WITHOUT expressing a single critical word. It’s not up to you to point out your sweetheart’s flaws or to tell him or her how to fix those flaws. If you need to fix something, work on yourself.

To be emotionally intimate, you must be connected. Criticism severs that connection and has no place in an intimate relationship. Noel Coward said it best, “I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.”

Take time to talk.

Have you ever noticed how a good marriage has the attributes of friendship?  Someone’s there to zip your dress, give an opinion about what tie goes with the jacket, fetch aspirin for your headache, and (and this is important!) laugh at your jokes, funny or goofy. Good stuff. But what sustains a marriage and what makes living together on a daily basis, with all the ups and downs, easy and comfortable is Emotional Intimacy. That’s why it’s important for every couple to have intimacy rituals that can be practiced daily.

No, I don’t mean candles, heated massage oil, and the hot tub. Those are great—for sexual intimacy. But let’s not confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In the falling-in-love fireworks stage of your relationship, intimacy equaled SEX! But once you settle into your nest, the stork pays a visit or two, there’s a lawn to be mowed, the cat has to go to the vet, kids need chauffeuring or help with homework, the car breaks down, the toilet backs up, one of you loses a job, gets sick, or has an argument with a friend. All of that makes you too tired to think, let alone jump each other’s bones.

When the now-less-frequent opportunity for sex presents itself, there are times when you really do have a headache, are beyond irritated by your mouthy teen-ager’s attitude, have an early flight to catch, or for whatever reason you’re just not in the mood. It’s a bummer, I agree, but you just cannot rely on sex to provide the intimacy you need to have a great relationship. Yes, a good sex life is important, but without emotional intimacy, your marriage is likely to wither and die no matter how great the sex may be.

Intimacy rituals don’t have to be complicated or take a big chunk of time and can even be part of a daily chore or event. Here’s what Hubby Dale and I do. At the beginning of the day, Dale sits in the bathroom and chats with me while I get dressed for the office. We don’t talk about anything special, we’re just together for a few minutes before we go our separate ways. We come back together over dinner. We don’t answer the phone and the TV is off. We talk about current events or Dale’s trip to the grocery store where he ran into a friend, we chuckle over something cute a grandchild said, we plan a dinner party, or revisit a favorite memory. An eavesdropper would find it mundane, but for us, it’s a reconnection after being apart all day.

For you, an intimacy ritual might be calling each other on your lunch hour and taking 15 minutes to catch up on your day, cooking dinner together, doing an evening crossword puzzle, playing dominoes, or turning off the TV, snuggling and chatting for 20 minutes before going to sleep.

Converting an everyday event into an intimacy ritual may require nothing more than a change in how you view that activity. Finding the time may be as easy as doing together what one usually does alone. Bathing the baby, pulling weeds, grocery shopping, preparing the evening meal, washing the cars, etc., are all opportunities for the kind of togetherness that fosters emotional intimacy. You just need the right state of mind.

Give it a try and see how much closer you will be.  Then, let me know how it works out.

I think Johnny Depp, this year’s sexiest man alive, is hot. If you’re not convinced, rent What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, one of Johnny’s early movies (also starring a young Leonardo DiCaprio) and feast your eyes on some great Johnny close-ups. I also think Hugh Jackman, last year’s sexiest man alive, is hot. Two hotties. Both married. I don’t know Johnny’s wife and I don’t know Hugh’s wife but I’m pretty sure of one thing:  to those women, these guys are just the men they’re married to, expected to take out the trash, help with the kids, put the groceries away, throw their dirty socks in the hamper, put the toilet seat down, and, well, you get the picture. Just regular guys who People magazine happened to brand “sexiest man alive.”

As I was thumbing through the latest issue of People, feasting my eyes on one hot guy after another, I glanced at my guy who, looking a bit disheveled, chose that very moment to belch. He’s developed a bit of a paunch (just a little one) and his jowls are a bit more pronounced than they were a year ago. He’s no more likely to be People’s sexiest man alive than I am to be on the cover of next year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. But in my world, he is the sexiest man alive. Why? Well, I happen to think he’s a great looking guy, even with a slight paunch and jowls. More importantly, he’s gives great emotional foreplay.

Oprah asked Hugh Jackman if his status got him any leverage at home. He said, “Nope, I’m still expected to take out the trash.” Oprah’s reply: “That’s foreplay.”  She’s right. And my hubby Dale gets it. He takes out the trash. And, he’s kind, he’s generous, he’s supportive, he’s loving. He’s a great partner in every important sense of the word. Does that make him sexy? Yep. And I’ll betcha a buck that if we asked Johnny’s wife and Hugh’s wife, they’d both agree that what makes their guy sexy is not how he looks, but how he plays the role of husband and partner.

It’s fun to look at (maybe even fantasize about) eye candy. But when it comes to slipping between the sheets, I’ll take my sexiest man alive every time.

How ’bout you? Are you the sexiest man/woman alive in your sweetheart’s world?

Elvis on Velvet

It’s been 10+ years since I did the remarriage thing. And I’ll admit it, I’m one of the lucky ones. Hubby Dale lived on a boat. He had nothing (I’m not kidding, nothing) to move into my house that I had decorated precisely to my taste. No recliner. No Elvis-on-Velvet art. Nada. All he asked was 3 feet of closet space. With some pushing and condensing I managed to squeeze out just about that much. And, he has no kids. Blending our lives was pretty simple. But for many couples, remarriage is all about blending. The kids. The finances. The pets. The former in-laws. All of that’s a breeze, however, compared to blending your stuff.

You’ve both got a house full of furniture, art, knickknacks, and–‘fess up–a ton of crap that by any standard belongs in a garage sale at best, more likely in the trash. But it’s your crap, thank you very much, and you’re attached to it: the molded-to-his-backside recliner with cup holder and duct-tape-repaired rip…the tattered-but-beloved bed canopy your great-grandmother crocheted in the previous century…the paint-by-number landscape your grown-up son did as a ten-year old…the ceramic frog collection you started as a kid that now occupies an entire bookcase. It’s no small task to find a place for all that stuff let alone tastefully mix early American milk glass with contemporary chrome ‘n glass.

Remarriage. Yep, it’s a challenge. It’s enough to make one seriously contemplate Katharine Hepburn’s approach. She said, “I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” I dunno, Katharine. Sharing the nest with your sweetheart is pretty darned nice. So, think of all that stuff-blending as an opportunity to score points (or what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). If you do, you’ll find yourselves each giving in a little and before you know it, you’ll have your cozy nest just the way it should be, recliner, ceramic frogs and all.

My Hubby Dale

Hubby Dale and a guy friend sat on their boat knocking down a few beers and whiled away a lazy afternoon by listing body “ations”—urination, expectoration, perspiration, etc. I tried, but failed, to imagine doing the same with a girlfriend. We would identify the three most important “ations”—exfoliation, ovulation and menstruation, three these two geniuses missed—and then go shoe shopping.

Like it or not, “ations” are part of life. When you’re cheek by jowl it’s impossible to pretend, as you do in those early getting-to-know-each-other days, that you’re the only person on the planet who doesn’t experience them. At some point, one or the other of you will fart, belch, or leave the bathroom in need of fumigation. One bit of relaxed behavior leads to another and before you know it, you’re sharing—perhaps over-sharing—all those “ations.”

It’s not fair to stereotype but it seems to me that most guys never quite get over their middle-school fascination with body functions, especially flatulation and eructation (belching). There’s even a certain pride that some men take in “ations” as if the louder the belch or the more pungent the flatulence, the more manly they are. I. Do. Not. Get. It.

Okay, I admit it. I sometimes see the humor. Dale and I were at a Wednesday afternoon matinee, the favorite showing for folks from the retirement community. During a quiet moment Dale coughed so hard he ripped one. A really loud one. The elderly woman in front of Dale reached up and patted her head as if she feared the blast had dislodged her wig. We could not stop laughing and had to leave.

Then there’s grooming. In a perfect world, we’d all wake up as they do in the soaps—perfect hair, perfect make-up, no morning breath. You wouldn’t need to floss or brush your teeth, clip your toenails, exfoliate, mud pack, shave, or file your calluses. It’s soooooooooo not a perfect world.

I think most body functions and grooming should be done behind closed doors. Dale is more relaxed. I’m convinced he’d never seek privacy but for the fact that he reads on the john and doesn’t want to be disturbed. Oddly, the one thing that grosses him out is watching me put my contacts on. You may consider that as weird as I do, but it does demonstrate an important point. When it comes to body functions and grooming, it’s a good idea to know when you’re crossing your sweetie’s “that’s disgusting” line. We all have our quirks. Kathy is grossed out by teeth flossing, Elijah by ear wax on Q-Tips. I need complete privacy to groom my feet. Nail clippings make Rebecca want to hurl. Respect your sweetheart’s quirks and avoid the gross out.

It may be impossible to maintain the same level of propriety you would around a total stranger, but remember this: In an intimate relationship, there are times when less is more.

Patrick & Lisa

I didn’t know much about Patrick Swayze, other than I loved him in Ghost and Dirty Dancing, until I read about him in People. I did not know, for example, that he was married to his childhood sweetheart Lisa and that they had been married for 34 years. By all accounts, theirs was a special relationship, the kind we’d all like to have. I’m always impressed when people get it right the first time, especially when they marry so young and then face extraordinary challenges such as fame, and in Patrick’s case alcoholism. I am profoundly sad that Lisa has lost her husband, her best friend, and her anchor, made all the more sad by the fact that she no doubt can hardly remember life without him, so long ago did they find each other. I can’t begin to imagine the huge emotional hole that is left. Their marriage is an inspiration to all of us. In a profound act of intimacy after his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer, they together wrote the memoir The Time of My Life. I hope that reliving the memories recorded there will bring some solace to Lisa. I, for one, look forward to reading the book and learning the secret to their long and special relationship. I suspect it will be much the same as that of Paul and Linda McCartney.

I listened to a Paul McCartney interview at the height of his fame. He was asked how he and Linda managed to stay so happily married with all his success and with millions of women available to him. He said, “It’s simple. I love her.”  Wow.

Jon and Kate

Okay, I know that every person on the planet has weighed in on the Jon & Kate marriage debacle. I’ve wanted to give them the “privacy” they deserve even if they are hell-bent on airing their dirty laundry in public. But, with this last bit of news—the cops being summoned to the house—I can’t help myself. It’s easy to point the finger of blame and say that Kate is a control freak and drove Jon out the door. It’s also easy to see that Jon’s maturity level is apparently just a point or two above that of his young children. But, come on, folks, “fault” is a blurry line. They are both “at fault” and I, for one, say none of us knows—or can know—the bazillion little things that chipped away at the intimacy they once shared. Like most relationships that fail, their marriage suffered death by a thousand cuts.

Ask anyone if infidelity can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course,” as if you had asked the dumbest question in the history of the world. Ask that same person if once forgetting your sweetheart’s birthday can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course not!” as if you had asked the second dumbest question in the history of the world. That person would be wrong. A forgotten birthday might be the last in a long string of little hurts and disappointments that seals a relationship’s fate. We’ll never know (Jon and Kate may not even know) what little cut sapped the last bit of vitality from the Gosselin marriage.

In my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy (to be released next month) I talk about racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles by doing those things that resonate with your sweetie to build a reservoir a good will to draw on when you screw up. Jon & Kate blew that one. They each lost more Frequent Foreplay Miles than they earned. Divorce is

Ashton & Demi

the result. Contrast that to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.  Ashton is featured in the August 14 edition of TIME and in answer to a question about what he does for Demi to score points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles), he says that he tries “to do things without keeping score, without expecting something in return or without having an agenda.” Good for him. The fact is, however, we all keep score. Here’s how it works: Your sweetheart brings you coffee in bed, 5 points. It follows a night of wild sex, 30 points bonus. You have a crazy busy day at work, your sweetheart has lunch delivered to your office, 30 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10 point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 10. Your sweetie leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side, 15 point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50 point penalty. Sure, we don’t keep a numerical score. But, we give greater emotional significance to those things that affect us the most. If that weren’t true then a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigod! factor as a new toaster oven. Infidelity would get you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill.

Remember this: When it comes to creating and sustaining intimacy in your relationship, the little stuff counts. It counts big time. Never miss an opportunity—large or small—to pick up Frequent Foreplay Miles. Avoid losing them whenever possible.

Reserve an autographed copy of my new book to learn more!