One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all, you’ll have so much to talk about.  Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food.  We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel.  We also have a very fundamental difference.  I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type.  In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship.  Rewind the tape back to when we were first dating and on our way to an early evening BBQ.  I was contributing the salad and we were running late.  As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside.  It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful.  After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time.  That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life.  Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes.  While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful.  My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.   Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way.  Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered.  Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue.  Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time.  I win.  He wins.  Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Scorekeeping. You’ve been told it’s death to your relationship but I’m going to give you three reasons why, when done right, it’s good for your relationship.

1. It’s a human nature “lemon” so you might as well make lemonade. Mother Teresa and Gandhi aside, we all keep score. It’s human nature to notice if your sweetheart has AGAIN “forgotten” to call, left dirty dishes in the sink, embarrassed you, hurt your feelings, broken a promise, “won” the argument, or bestowed bragging rights with a fabulous gift or an out-of-the-ballpark home run of thoughtfulness. You know if your sweetheart’s score is over the moon, well into the black, good enough to squeak by, dipping into the red, or subterranean. That’s because we assess everything from whether to get a pet to quitting our job by calculating the pluses and minuses.

In a relationship, you’re constantly giving and deducting points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). Your sweetie brings you coffee in bed, plus 5. Morning coffee follows a night of wild sex, 30-point bonus. You have a crazy day of meetings and your partner delivers lunch to your office, 20 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10-point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 20. Your honey leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side of the bed, 15-point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50-point penalty.

True, we don’t give or deduct actual points, but we give greater emotional weight to those things that most affect us. If that weren’t true, a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigosh! factor as a new toaster oven and infidelity would land you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill. It’s a fact: We keep score.

2.  Keeping score keeps you on your best behavior. We all love to win and hate to lose. We all want to please and don’t want to disappoint. So, it follows that if you’ve got a choice between picking up or losing points, you’re more likely to bite your tongue than make some snarky remark, pick up your stinky gym socks, keep your promise to bring home mint chocolate chip ice cream, be on time, call when you’re out of town, refrain from swearing in front of your mother-in-law, surprise your sweetie with a gift, make thoughtful gestures, be kind, and so on and so on. Consciously doing those things that result in getting points and avoiding doing those things that result in lost points is bound to make your relationship better.

3.  Keeping score reminds you to focus on the positive. It’s fun to give to someone you love, even if all you’re giving is points. You already give points when your sweetie goes the extra mile or does something unexpectedly wonderful. If both of you also give points for the small, everyday things that are easily taken for granted or overlooked—the dinner she prepared, the lawn he mowed, the gym socks that made it to the hamper, the dishes that got washed, the cheerful smile, the promise that was kept—you’ll find yourselves more focused on the positive. The more positive you are, the less bothered you’ll be when your sweetie screws up and that’s just good for your relationship.

Okay, look, you’re going to keep score anyway so do it in a way that’s good for your relationship. Having said that, let me emphasize that tit-for-tat two-wrongs-make-a-right justification of your bad behavior is the wrong way. Tit-for-tat is childish and destructive. It’s the kind of scorekeeping that all relationship gurus (including me) warn against. Instead, make it your goal to (1) earn as many points as possible, (2) avoid losing them, and (3) support your sweetheart in doing the same. If you do, then keeping score will be good for your relationship.

“You have more butt than you need, but you have a nice shape.” That’s the closest my hubby Dale has come to criticizing me and to be honest, his comment was merely a verbal observation of fact. I now have more butt than when the comment was made, but he’s never said another word about it. Bless him.

Coupling up bestows permission to say things (e.g., about your sweetie’s butt) that might not otherwise be appropriate. However, there’s a very thin line, over which you ought not to step, between criticism and comments such as that made by Dale. Criticism trashes emotional intimacy. Here’s why: To be justified in criticizing another person, the following must be true:

• You are right and the other person is wrong,
• You are superior in position or knowledge, and
• You have the right to voice criticism and demand certain behavior.

Your sweetheart’s boss, drill sergeant, mother, coach, personal trainer, or professor may meet that criteria but, as your partner’s equal, you do not. What you are (or should be) is the one person on the planet who your partner can always, absolutely, no questions asked, no doubt about it, count on for support. If you want emotional intimacy (and who doesn’t) then never, ever cause your partner to question that support.

You already know that shouting, “You’re lazy!” is more likely to result in the cold shoulder than help around the house. “No, honey, you’re wrong,” won’t endear you to your partner. “You could lose a few pounds,” is likely to get you cut off from you-know-what for several weeks! I don’t need to remind you that overt criticism plays havoc with intimacy. What we all need to remember is that it’s those situations where we’re tempted to give “constructive criticism” that are tricky. Here’s an example:

Your sweetheart is down in the dumps because, in his annual review, the boss said he’s too independent. It may be accurate to say, “Playing well with others is not your strong point. You need to work on that.” And your intention may be loving and the criticism may arguably be constructive, but would it be helpful? Probably not. There’s a good chance your partner will interpret your comment as siding with the boss, who at that moment is public enemy #1. What does that make you?

In this example, supporting your sweetheart doesn’t mean going on a rant about how clueless the boss is. It means saying and doing those things that will help your sweetheart come to his own conclusion about how to best handle it. Until asked for your advice and your help, keep it to yourself. When asked, be careful to give suggestions that are helpful and supportive WITHOUT expressing a single critical word. It’s not up to you to point out your sweetheart’s flaws or to tell him or her how to fix those flaws. If you need to fix something, work on yourself.

To be emotionally intimate, you must be connected. Criticism severs that connection and has no place in an intimate relationship. Noel Coward said it best, “I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.”

Two questions:

• Why do made-for-each-other love bugs butt heads, step on each others toes, and get their wires crossed?
• In a “discussion” with your sweetie, have you ever said something like, “Well, in my book [fill in the blank].”

The answer to the second question is sure you have. The answer to the first question is this:

The “book” you’re referring to is the unique and complex mix of your preferences, opinions, priorities, standards, points of view, and sensitivities, all shaped by your DNA, upbringing, education, life’s experiences, religious or philosophical training, culture, and self-perception. It’s the guide for how you navigate life and it’s the standard by which you determine if others are flying right. In the context of your relationship, I call this your Foreplay Navigator™. We all have one.

Here’s the problem: You behave (and judge your sweetheart) according to your Foreplay Navigator while your sweetheart behaves (and judges you) according to his or her Foreplay Navigator. It’s like playing a game with two different sets of rules where neither of you knows the others rules. True, the Foreplay Navigators of you and your sweetheart overlap in fundamental ways, but they also differ in a bazillion ways and it’s those differences that result in the head butts, stepped on toes, and crossed wires that often play havoc with intimacy.

If only you could push the “print” button and exchange copies of Foreplay Navigators! Since you can’t, you must:

Never assume your sweetheart sees the world as you do. There are times when your differences require negotiation (such as whether to raise the baby Jewish or Baptist), but it is futile to butt heads over who’s right and who’s wrong. And while you may be passionate about what color the bathroom should be painted, your opinion does not rise to the level of universal truth. Differences are just that. They are not matters of right and wrong.

Never assume your sweetheart sees life as you do. It’s easy to get your toes stepped on if your sweetheart doesn’t know, for example, that according to your Foreplay Navigator, a gift certificate is the ultimate I-gave-this-no-thought acknowledgement of a special occasion, or having coffee with an ex who blew into town is tantamount to cheating. When you feel the pain of stepped on toes, it’s probably nothing more than an innocent clash of Foreplay Navigators.

Never assume your sweetheart sees you the way you see yourself.  When you have beliefs that diminish your self-value (and who doesn’t), it’s easy to get your wires crossed and see or hear negative messages when no such thing is intended.  Your sweetheart loves you. If you don’t believe that, reconsider your relationship situation. If you do, don’t twist your sweetheart’s words and actions to fit your self-perception. When you feel hurt or disappointed, take a close look at why. Perhaps it’s a chapter in your Foreplay Navigator that needs a rewrite. For example, if your sweetheart says, “The rice is salty,” and you hear, “You’re a terrible cook,” maybe the problem is your self-esteem.

Head butts, stepped on toes, crossed wires. They are inevitable in every relationship. You can allow them to destroy intimacy. Or, you can see them as opportunities to learn more about your own and your sweetheart’s Foreplay Navigator and if you do, you will have a richer, more intimate, and more rewarding relationship. I promise.

Forgiveness. It’s a topic we hear a lot about when it comes to marriage and relationships. Lord knows there’s plenty to forgive and I, for one, am grateful for a partner who has a generous and forgiving heart. But I ask you, for all the talk and hoopla about the “virtue” of forgiveness, why isn’t there more said about the conditions under which one is forgiven? You, in return, might ask, “Isn’t forgiveness supposed to be unconditional?”  Well, according to idealistic gurus it is, and that would be just dandy if we were perfect human beings. We’re not.

The truth is that forgiveness is conditioned on better behavior in the future. It chaps my hide that so many people think saying, “I’m sorry” is a cure-all that entitles the transgressor to immediate and unconditional forgiveness. That may have worked in kindergarten when you grabbed another kid’s crayon and were forced to give it back with an equally forced apology, but it doesn’t work in grown-up life.

If your sweetheart lies to you once, gets busted, and you forgive, don’t you expect that in exchange for that forgiveness, your sweetie promises not to do it again? What will you do if it happens over and again? Most likely, you’ll stop forgiving, revoke all prior forgiveness, and take a hike. At the very least, your trust will be shattered.

Most failed relationships don’t end because of one major body blow; most suffer death by a thousand cuts, none of which are individually lethal but all of which cumulatively sap the life out of a once vibrant relationship. Since it’s inevitable that we will screw up, it’s a good thing that most cuts can be healed through forgiveness. But here’s a 411 for you: the wound may heal but what’s left is emotional scar tissue. It’s a fact: scar tissue is weaker and inferior to the healthy tissue it replaces. That’s true for physical wounds and equally true for emotional wounds. Every time you do something that requires your sweetheart’s forgiveness, you are weakening the relationship.

Like most things in life, the hurts and disappointments we suffer (and inflict) are relative, ranging from inadvertent to thoughtless to deliberate to downright mean. It’s easy to forgive when your sweetie inadvertently steps on yours toes, much harder to forgive when the person who’s supposed to love you deliberately stomps on your foot. Your partner may give you a get-out-of-jail-free card the first few times you screw up, but you keep doing the same thing and that inadvertent or thoughtless behavior eventually becomes deliberate. Example: If your sweetheart tells you that not calling when you promise to call is a no-no, somewhere about the tenth time you do it, your sweetheart will construe your behavior as deliberately inconsiderate and will stop forgiving you.

Little things count BIG time in every relationship. A forgotten promise to call, by itself, won’t destroy a relationship. The cumulative effect of many broken promises will. So pay attention to the little things, don’t rely on the good nature and generous heart of your sweetheart, and avoid doing those things for which you know you’ll need forgiveness. Then, when you do screw up, your sweetheart will be a lot more generous. And, your relationship will be a lot more intimate.

Your sweetheart’s forgiveness is a finite resource. Use it sparing.

Take time to talk.

Have you ever noticed how a good marriage has the attributes of friendship?  Someone’s there to zip your dress, give an opinion about what tie goes with the jacket, fetch aspirin for your headache, and (and this is important!) laugh at your jokes, funny or goofy. Good stuff. But what sustains a marriage and what makes living together on a daily basis, with all the ups and downs, easy and comfortable is Emotional Intimacy. That’s why it’s important for every couple to have intimacy rituals that can be practiced daily.

No, I don’t mean candles, heated massage oil, and the hot tub. Those are great—for sexual intimacy. But let’s not confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In the falling-in-love fireworks stage of your relationship, intimacy equaled SEX! But once you settle into your nest, the stork pays a visit or two, there’s a lawn to be mowed, the cat has to go to the vet, kids need chauffeuring or help with homework, the car breaks down, the toilet backs up, one of you loses a job, gets sick, or has an argument with a friend. All of that makes you too tired to think, let alone jump each other’s bones.

When the now-less-frequent opportunity for sex presents itself, there are times when you really do have a headache, are beyond irritated by your mouthy teen-ager’s attitude, have an early flight to catch, or for whatever reason you’re just not in the mood. It’s a bummer, I agree, but you just cannot rely on sex to provide the intimacy you need to have a great relationship. Yes, a good sex life is important, but without emotional intimacy, your marriage is likely to wither and die no matter how great the sex may be.

Intimacy rituals don’t have to be complicated or take a big chunk of time and can even be part of a daily chore or event. Here’s what Hubby Dale and I do. At the beginning of the day, Dale sits in the bathroom and chats with me while I get dressed for the office. We don’t talk about anything special, we’re just together for a few minutes before we go our separate ways. We come back together over dinner. We don’t answer the phone and the TV is off. We talk about current events or Dale’s trip to the grocery store where he ran into a friend, we chuckle over something cute a grandchild said, we plan a dinner party, or revisit a favorite memory. An eavesdropper would find it mundane, but for us, it’s a reconnection after being apart all day.

For you, an intimacy ritual might be calling each other on your lunch hour and taking 15 minutes to catch up on your day, cooking dinner together, doing an evening crossword puzzle, playing dominoes, or turning off the TV, snuggling and chatting for 20 minutes before going to sleep.

Converting an everyday event into an intimacy ritual may require nothing more than a change in how you view that activity. Finding the time may be as easy as doing together what one usually does alone. Bathing the baby, pulling weeds, grocery shopping, preparing the evening meal, washing the cars, etc., are all opportunities for the kind of togetherness that fosters emotional intimacy. You just need the right state of mind.

Give it a try and see how much closer you will be.  Then, let me know how it works out.

I dunno about you but gift giving between spouses has always seemed strange to me. I don’t quite get the point of buying a shirt or sweater (or even jewelry) for your lovebug when the $$ comes from a communal pot (which is kind of like contributing to the purchase price of your own gift, isn’t it?) Or, what’s the point of buying another shirt or sweater for the person who already has more shirts or sweaters than can ever be worn. So hubby Dale and I decided a long time ago that instead of buying each other gifts, we’d do something together, for us, as our gift to each other and to our relationship.

One year we bought bicycles and a bike rack for our 4-Runner. At the time we were living in Northern California where, within a short distance in any direction, there were a zillion fabulous places to cycle. The first place we headed was South Lake Tahoe where, courtesy of friends, we had a place to stay right on the lake. We were so excited that the minute we got there, we were pedaling up the lane. We tried holding hands while riding. I do not recommend this. I lost my balance, we both toppled over, and I ended up with a black eye. Yeah, that was not fun. But here’s the good part. We rousted out early the next morning, filled a thermos with hot coffee, and pedaled to where we could watch the sun come up. Holding hands this time was far more successful. An intimate moment, cuddled together to ward off the chill, sipping coffee and watching the sun rise. It’s one of those hey-remember-when moments that we enjoy reliving again and again.

Torres Del Paine

Another year we splurged and went to Patagonia for three weeks. Wow! That was a great trip with the highlight being a stay at the Explora, located at the base of the Torres Del Paine. Check out the picture that I took from our room in the wee hours of the morning. It was on that trip that our car broke down in the middle of nowhere and Dale had the meltdown I wrote about in an earlier post. Yep, even a meltdown is an opportunity to create intimacy. We spent New Year’s Eve on a ferry that took us down the coast of Chile to Patagonia. We sat in our not-at-all-luxury cabin, popped the cork on a bottle of champagne we thought to buy at the last minute, toasted, kissed, took and sip and then both practically gagged. Champagne?  Uh-uh. More like fuel oil.  Nasty stuff that went down the drain.  But who needs champagne to celebrate the new year. We didn’t. After going out on deck where the crew shot off fireworks, we headed back to our cabin. How many people can say they’ve done the wild thing on a ferry, heading south along the Chilean coast to Patagonia on New Year’s Eve?  Great trip from which we have a whole bunch of hey-remember-when memories.

You don’t have to spend a lot. One year we bought a martini shaker and glasses. We spent most of January slightly tipsy as we worked our way from Appletini (which I recommend) to Wasabi Martini (which I do not recommend). We have used that shaker for many years and each time we pull it out of the cabinet, it inspires a hey-remember-when Christie and Gary came for dinner and we . . . , or when we celebrated the . . . , or we . . . story.

A shirt is long forgotten. But the memory of an intimate moment is the gift that keeps on giving. Try it. I think you’ll like it.

In my last post I told you about the time Dale brought me a red-ripe strawberry and how touched I was by that gesture. Now I’m wondering if he had an ulterior motive. Why? I just read that among the things  known to, shall we say, “stoke the fires” is the color red, red as in fully ripened strawberry. Here’s what else I just read:

Certain foods boost that I’d-like-to-jump-your-bones feeling. Like almonds. Who would have guessed?  Arugula, avocado and figs are on the list, too. And chocolate. Now we’re talking. Have I mentioned that Dale does the cooking in our house? I always thought he did it for two reasons: (1) he enjoys it, which is a good thing because (2) if it were up to me to feed us, we’d live on spoonfuls of peanut butter, take out Chinese, and Lean Cuisine. So, last night he fixed a salad of arugula and figs, with avocado on the side, and sprinkled with slivered almonds. For dessert we had dark chocolate cake. Hmmmmm . . . . now I’m thinking maybe there’s a third reason he does the cooking.  Whaddya think?

Release date: September '09

My book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy comes out next month. Can’t wait! I’ve been working on this project for what feels like forever. Writing a book is a lonely endeavor. But it requires the support of those who get short shrift while you’re holed up in your office writing, re-writing, editing, staring at a blank screen, etc. My guy Dale earned about a bazillion Frequent Foreplay Miles during the process. He is the greatest. One afternoon, after I’d been at it since 4 a.m., he walked into my office holding the most gorgeous, plump, red-ripe strawberry I’ve ever seen. He offered it to me and said, “Here, I want you to have a bright spot in your day.” Omigod!! Did I not tell you he’s the greatest? That, folks, is emotional foreplay at its best. And just as great foreplay is essential to Wow! sex, great emotional foreplay is essential to a Wow! relationship. I’m not kidding you when I say this: When Dale offered me that strawberry I couldn’t have been more touched, felt more loved, felt more supported, or felt more connected to him had he offered me a 10 karat diamond ring. With that simple gesture, made at exactly the right moment, he said, “I’m thinking about you, I support what you’re doing, and I love you.”  Wow! I’ll never again see a ripe strawberry without being reminded how lucky I am to have Dale in my life and how much I love him.

Jon and Kate

Okay, I know that every person on the planet has weighed in on the Jon & Kate marriage debacle. I’ve wanted to give them the “privacy” they deserve even if they are hell-bent on airing their dirty laundry in public. But, with this last bit of news—the cops being summoned to the house—I can’t help myself. It’s easy to point the finger of blame and say that Kate is a control freak and drove Jon out the door. It’s also easy to see that Jon’s maturity level is apparently just a point or two above that of his young children. But, come on, folks, “fault” is a blurry line. They are both “at fault” and I, for one, say none of us knows—or can know—the bazillion little things that chipped away at the intimacy they once shared. Like most relationships that fail, their marriage suffered death by a thousand cuts.

Ask anyone if infidelity can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course,” as if you had asked the dumbest question in the history of the world. Ask that same person if once forgetting your sweetheart’s birthday can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course not!” as if you had asked the second dumbest question in the history of the world. That person would be wrong. A forgotten birthday might be the last in a long string of little hurts and disappointments that seals a relationship’s fate. We’ll never know (Jon and Kate may not even know) what little cut sapped the last bit of vitality from the Gosselin marriage.

In my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy (to be released next month) I talk about racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles by doing those things that resonate with your sweetie to build a reservoir a good will to draw on when you screw up. Jon & Kate blew that one. They each lost more Frequent Foreplay Miles than they earned. Divorce is

Ashton & Demi

the result. Contrast that to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.  Ashton is featured in the August 14 edition of TIME and in answer to a question about what he does for Demi to score points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles), he says that he tries “to do things without keeping score, without expecting something in return or without having an agenda.” Good for him. The fact is, however, we all keep score. Here’s how it works: Your sweetheart brings you coffee in bed, 5 points. It follows a night of wild sex, 30 points bonus. You have a crazy busy day at work, your sweetheart has lunch delivered to your office, 30 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10 point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 10. Your sweetie leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side, 15 point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50 point penalty. Sure, we don’t keep a numerical score. But, we give greater emotional significance to those things that affect us the most. If that weren’t true then a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigod! factor as a new toaster oven. Infidelity would get you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill.

Remember this: When it comes to creating and sustaining intimacy in your relationship, the little stuff counts. It counts big time. Never miss an opportunity—large or small—to pick up Frequent Foreplay Miles. Avoid losing them whenever possible.

Reserve an autographed copy of my new book to learn more!