Negotiated infidelity. That’s the subject of “Sugarbabe” by Holly Hill, an Australian former mistress turned author. Her premise: keep your guy faithful to your relationship by letting him be unfaithful to you. Hmmmm . . .

Call me old fashioned. Call me narrow-minded. But I’m not one teensy bit interested in giving my sweetheart the nod to break a sweat with other women. Ms. Hill postulates that guys will be guys and, thus, we women might as well stop fighting human nature. That’s a bit like saying it’s a dog’s nature to bite so why train your dog to have good manners.

I was an estate planning attorney for 20+ years before I morphed into a relationship coach. Clients never ceased to surprise me. For example, my client Byron was the quietest, least assuming man I knew. He and his equally unassuming wife Mavis, both in their mid-60’s, were the last—I’m not kidding, the VERY last—people I would have pegged as swingers. Sure ‘nuff, they were. After Mavis died, Byron paid me a visit and I heard the whole story. Seems that he broke one of the cardinal rules of swinging—never get emotionally involved, it’s just sex. He and another woman fell for each other. Uh-oh. Complication! Well, he and Mavis worked it out but after Mavis died, Byron confided in and consulted with me because he was worried that the other woman might make some claim to his estate and he was rightfully concerned about his children having a peek at those still waters that had run so deep. I assured him it was unlikely, bade him good-bye, and sat in shocked silence, reminded once again to never judge a book by its cover.

Byron’s “lapse” demonstrates what to me is the issue in an open relationship or in what Ms. Hill describes as “negotiated infidelity.” How do you eliminate the risk of emotional attachment to the person you’re casually schtupping? Ms. Hill says you have to have rules. Her boyfriend is allowed to have sex with other women but he isn’t allowed to spend the night or spoon with anyone but her, and he can’t take any schtuppee on romantic getaways. There are rules for swingers, too. But rules, as they say, are made to be broken—as Byron proved. Okay, if not “made” to be broken, then certainly too easily broken. What would Ms. Hill think if her sweetheart forgot, just for a minute or two, that he’s not supposed to spoon another woman? Would he then be guilty of cheating? I suppose so. Safe physical sex is easily addressed. Safe emotional sex—not so easy.

I’m going to keep an open mind. Having such an arrangement may work for some couples and if so, who am I to say they’re wrong. If Ms. Hill and her sweetheart can make it work, more power to them. But I’m afraid there’s heartache ahead for Ms. Hill.

In my experience, both personally and working with couples over the years, the most fulfilling, satisfying, rewarding, and connected relationships are those in which the two partners reserve themselves—physically and emotionally—for each other.

There are plenty of so-called truisms out there, all designed to make us “okay” with things that aren’t “okay.” For example, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  We all know that’s baloney. Words can hurt like hell.

And how about this one: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This truism has been readily debunked by the medical profession. Simply put, if you don’t know your tapioca pudding is laced with rat poison, having dessert will definitely hurt—if not kill—you.

It’s in the context of relationships where this truism is far too often heard and used as justification for bad behavior. If your sweetheart never knows you’re having an affair, no harm done, right? Wrong! Living with a big fat secret means there’s a big fat part of you that you can’t share with your partner. That big fat secret is the source of emotional distance from your partner and what will keep you from being 100% present in your relationship. In short, it’s what YOU know—and what you must forever keep from your sweetie—that hurts your relationship and, thus, your partner. Your sweetheart may never know about your infidelity and may never realize that he or she doesn’t have all of you, but don’t think for one minute that just because “ignorance is bliss” that you haven’t taken away what should have been given to your partner.

Now, if you’ve already done the deed and mended your ways, then “let sleeping dogs lie” because “confession is good for the soul” but sucks if you’re on the wrong end of that confession. Going forward, just remember that if you surrender to temptation, you will forever shut down a part of you that should be shared with your sweetheart.

I’m not suggesting that you can’t have your secrets or your privacy. It’s not critical that you share every little detail of your past or present life with your partner. A juvenile marijuana arrest may be so far in the past as to be currently irrelevant. Your current cocaine use is another story. That you once gambled away thousands of dollars in a drunken stupor may be an embarrassment you never share. Secretly spending every lunch hour at the track after a quick stop at the ATM is another story.

When you behave in ways that you hope your sweetheart never learns about, you put emotional distance between you and your partner. Worrying that your partner will discover the truth creates stress and anxiety that get in the way of your being a 100% present and loving partner. That hurts you. It hurts your relationship. It hurts your sweetheart.

Acting with integrity, living an open life, and behaving only in ways that are okay for your sweetheart to observe allows you to give yourself fully to your partner and to be fully present in your relationship. Emotional intimacy is the hallmark of a great relationship and what sustains a couple through the rough patches. Doing anything that causes distance or interferes with emotional intimacy hurts everyone involved. So, the next time you’re tempted to do something that if “kept secret” won’t hurt, think again.

Okay, so today on the CCN site, there was a story about 4 women who were arrested for gluing

Use with caution!

a cheater’s genitals to his tummy. The guy shows up at the No-Tell Motel for a rendezvous with ONE OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS!! She ties him up and blind folds him. Enter the WIFE and ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND. The fourth woman acts as the lookout. Now, I have a law degree and even practiced a little criminal law in my early career. So, I get it. Technically these 4 women are as guilty of a long list of misdemeanors as the day is long. They had to be arrested or only God knows how many others might take their cue on how to handle marital infidelity. Ya’ gotta draw the line, right? But, come on, let’s be honest. Who’s really guilty as sin? Aren’t you rooting for those women? As my friend Nance says, “Glue wears off. Where’s Lorena Bobbitt when you need her?” Oh, boy. What is that they say . . . something about hell, fury and a scorned woman.

This guy wasn’t just cheating on his wife. He was cheating on his wife AND at least 2 girlfriends. Whew! Makes me tired just thinking about the logistics of such a situation. No wonder he was busted.

I try with every post to give you a little kernel of wisdom. But with this one, all I can say is if you’re a cheater, hide the Krazy Glue!