Scorekeeping. You’ve been told it’s death to your relationship but I’m going to give you three reasons why, when done right, it’s good for your relationship.

1. It’s a human nature “lemon” so you might as well make lemonade. Mother Teresa and Gandhi aside, we all keep score. It’s human nature to notice if your sweetheart has AGAIN “forgotten” to call, left dirty dishes in the sink, embarrassed you, hurt your feelings, broken a promise, “won” the argument, or bestowed bragging rights with a fabulous gift or an out-of-the-ballpark home run of thoughtfulness. You know if your sweetheart’s score is over the moon, well into the black, good enough to squeak by, dipping into the red, or subterranean. That’s because we assess everything from whether to get a pet to quitting our job by calculating the pluses and minuses.

In a relationship, you’re constantly giving and deducting points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). Your sweetie brings you coffee in bed, plus 5. Morning coffee follows a night of wild sex, 30-point bonus. You have a crazy day of meetings and your partner delivers lunch to your office, 20 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10-point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 20. Your honey leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side of the bed, 15-point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50-point penalty.

True, we don’t give or deduct actual points, but we give greater emotional weight to those things that most affect us. If that weren’t true, a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigosh! factor as a new toaster oven and infidelity would land you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill. It’s a fact: We keep score.

2.  Keeping score keeps you on your best behavior. We all love to win and hate to lose. We all want to please and don’t want to disappoint. So, it follows that if you’ve got a choice between picking up or losing points, you’re more likely to bite your tongue than make some snarky remark, pick up your stinky gym socks, keep your promise to bring home mint chocolate chip ice cream, be on time, call when you’re out of town, refrain from swearing in front of your mother-in-law, surprise your sweetie with a gift, make thoughtful gestures, be kind, and so on and so on. Consciously doing those things that result in getting points and avoiding doing those things that result in lost points is bound to make your relationship better.

3.  Keeping score reminds you to focus on the positive. It’s fun to give to someone you love, even if all you’re giving is points. You already give points when your sweetie goes the extra mile or does something unexpectedly wonderful. If both of you also give points for the small, everyday things that are easily taken for granted or overlooked—the dinner she prepared, the lawn he mowed, the gym socks that made it to the hamper, the dishes that got washed, the cheerful smile, the promise that was kept—you’ll find yourselves more focused on the positive. The more positive you are, the less bothered you’ll be when your sweetie screws up and that’s just good for your relationship.

Okay, look, you’re going to keep score anyway so do it in a way that’s good for your relationship. Having said that, let me emphasize that tit-for-tat two-wrongs-make-a-right justification of your bad behavior is the wrong way. Tit-for-tat is childish and destructive. It’s the kind of scorekeeping that all relationship gurus (including me) warn against. Instead, make it your goal to (1) earn as many points as possible, (2) avoid losing them, and (3) support your sweetheart in doing the same. If you do, then keeping score will be good for your relationship.

Jon and Kate

Okay, I know that every person on the planet has weighed in on the Jon & Kate marriage debacle. I’ve wanted to give them the “privacy” they deserve even if they are hell-bent on airing their dirty laundry in public. But, with this last bit of news—the cops being summoned to the house—I can’t help myself. It’s easy to point the finger of blame and say that Kate is a control freak and drove Jon out the door. It’s also easy to see that Jon’s maturity level is apparently just a point or two above that of his young children. But, come on, folks, “fault” is a blurry line. They are both “at fault” and I, for one, say none of us knows—or can know—the bazillion little things that chipped away at the intimacy they once shared. Like most relationships that fail, their marriage suffered death by a thousand cuts.

Ask anyone if infidelity can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course,” as if you had asked the dumbest question in the history of the world. Ask that same person if once forgetting your sweetheart’s birthday can trash your relationship and the answer will be, “Of course not!” as if you had asked the second dumbest question in the history of the world. That person would be wrong. A forgotten birthday might be the last in a long string of little hurts and disappointments that seals a relationship’s fate. We’ll never know (Jon and Kate may not even know) what little cut sapped the last bit of vitality from the Gosselin marriage.

In my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy (to be released next month) I talk about racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles by doing those things that resonate with your sweetie to build a reservoir a good will to draw on when you screw up. Jon & Kate blew that one. They each lost more Frequent Foreplay Miles than they earned. Divorce is

Ashton & Demi

the result. Contrast that to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.  Ashton is featured in the August 14 edition of TIME and in answer to a question about what he does for Demi to score points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles), he says that he tries “to do things without keeping score, without expecting something in return or without having an agenda.” Good for him. The fact is, however, we all keep score. Here’s how it works: Your sweetheart brings you coffee in bed, 5 points. It follows a night of wild sex, 30 points bonus. You have a crazy busy day at work, your sweetheart has lunch delivered to your office, 30 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10 point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 10. Your sweetie leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side, 15 point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50 point penalty. Sure, we don’t keep a numerical score. But, we give greater emotional significance to those things that affect us the most. If that weren’t true then a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigod! factor as a new toaster oven. Infidelity would get you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill.

Remember this: When it comes to creating and sustaining intimacy in your relationship, the little stuff counts. It counts big time. Never miss an opportunity—large or small—to pick up Frequent Foreplay Miles. Avoid losing them whenever possible.

Reserve an autographed copy of my new book to learn more!

One of the coolest things about Frequent Foreplay Miles is the bazillion ways in which you can earn them.  Here’s a great example that came from one of my workshop attendees . . .

Susan had a particularly bad day at work, starting with a computer crash and the resignation of her top programmer.  Stan wanted to have flowers waiting for Susan when she got home.  Her favorite flowers are tulips but they were out of season.  So, instead of live flowers, Stan found a photograph of a bouquet of tulips, blew it up on his computer, printed it, pasted it to cardboard, and then cut it out to the shape of the bouquet.  When Susan got home, the cardboard tulip bouquet, accompanied by a sentimental note from Stan, was standing in a crystal vase where Susan would immediately see it.

What made this so meaningful to the emotional Susan is that she is fond of romantic gestures while the pragmatic Stan finds them a bit silly and contrived.  That goofy cardboard bouquet of tulips landed squarely within Susan’s Foreplay Navigator, made her laugh, and instantly lifted her spirits.  Sure, she would have appreciated any flowers, but it was Stan taking himself outside his comfort zone to do something “so Susan” that so profoundly showed his love for her she was able to let the stress of the day take a back seat to the joy of her relationship.  Wow!

Way to go, Stan!

Would you be surprised to hear me say that keeping score can keep your marriage happy and strong?  That may fly in the face of what relationship gurus have been spouting since Eve met Adam, but show me a sweetheart who hasn’t said, “You owe me one,” or “You just lost a few points,” and I’ll show you a sweetheart who’s stopped paying attention.  I say it’s time to stop fighting human nature.  I say let’s do it in a way that makes our relationship stronger.

Dale and I keep our marriage strong and our point scores high by accumulating what we call Frequent Foreplay Miles™.  It all started over morning coffee and cinnamon toast ten years ago.  Dale  was always late, and it always annoyed me. I had gently suggested, then nagged, to no avail. On that day I had an inspiration: I would put it in a context he would understand: sex! I smiled sweetly, pointed my butter knife at him for emphasis, and said, “Sweetheart, there’s something you need to know about being in relationship. Foreplay is all day, every day, 24/7. It includes anything and everything that affects how I feel about you. So you should consider racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles by being on time. The more miles you rack up, the more ‘in the mood’ I’ll be.”

He laughed—but he got the idea. In his sexual self-interest he pledged to become the on-time guy. After breakfast, he earned Frequent Foreplay Miles by wiping the table free of toast crumbs without dropping a single crumb on the floor. I earned mine by ironing his shirt. Our good-bye kiss was especially sweet. Sparks flew that night, and in the afterglow we acknowledged that the simple idea expressed in our morning’s playful exchange had legs. It became our goal to bank as many and lose as few Frequent Foreplay Miles as possible.

There’s a lot more to it than this but the basic concept is simple: Frequent Foreplay Miles are awarded when you make your sweetheart happy. They are deducted when your behavior doesn’t measure up. The higher your balance, the happier and stronger your marriage. Makes sense, right? It’s worked for us and it can work for you, too.