I’ve been thinking a lot about dating and how a relationship is so ooh-la-la hot those first few months we’re in them.  You know what I mean, that can’t-live-without-you-another-second obsession and the please-stop-talking-and-kiss-me passion. Recent research says that some of those reactions are totally beyond our control.  We call it chemistry. Like our heartbeat, simply existing without our input, there’s a release of hormones that create the “falling” in love sensation. Okay, maybe we are a bit out of control when we’re in the falling-in-love stage, but as the relationship continues to the being-in-love stage there are things we absolutely can control, e.g., paying attention to our mate.

You see, as anyone in a relationship for any length of time knows, it’s easy to get stuck in the rut you said you’d never fall into. Every relationship guru on the planet, including me, encourages committed couples to continue dating. But, it’s easy to see why dating takes a back seat to the daily demands of life. It doesn’t happen by magic. Nobody throws open Door #1 to reveal a weeklong trip to the Bahamas or even a simple romantic dinner for two.  It takes planning and imagination.

And, it takes money. True, a backyard picnic can provide more sidesplitting hilarity than a comedy show and a bubble bath for two can be sexier than a weekend away.  It’s all what you put into it. But, you can’t do stay-at-home dates all the time. You have to invest both time and money. Feel like there’s no room in the budget? I ask you …what’s more expensive: dating or divorce?

So, here’s what I want you to do. Let your imagination run wild and dream up some great dates. Don’t worry about what they cost. From the ideal, you can whittle away to what you can afford. Sit down with your sweetheart and put the dates on the calendar, one a month. Need a little help? You got it! Send me your ideas by email and I’ll help you plan a great date, tossing in a few ideas of my own.

Look, it’s simple. It you don’t make your relationship a priority, you’ll either lose it or drift apart. If you don’t date and work at keeping the spark alive, you run the risk of becoming really good friends who simply live together.  I love my friends but I don’t want my marriage to be comfort, complaints and coffee.  I want it to be all that and more—intimacy on every level.  That’s the bull’s eye

Here’s to you and to your sexy, steamy love affair.

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach and Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

My Guy Dale

Last week I had mother-daughter date night with my daughter Lisa, usually dinner (with catch up conversation) and then a movie. This week it was Eat, Pray, Love. I thought the movie was so-so but it was the trailer for an upcoming romantic comedy that got me thinking. It posed the question how do you know you’re in love. I can’t answer that question for everyone, but here’s my story.

I knew I was for-sure in love when I came home late one night to discover that my sweetheart Dale had stopped by to wheel my trash cans to the curb. Dale is a guy who had done everything right from the get-go. Two days before our first date he called to say he was looking forward to it. The morning after our first date he called to say he had a great time and hoped we could do it again. He was the first to use the word “love” in a sentence that referred to me. And if that’s not enough, he was a great cook and for someone like me, who lived on microwaved baked potatoes, that was a deal clincher. Yep, he was a keeper. Or was he?

Oh, I was in love all right but, truthfully, that realization scared me to death because then I had to think about the bigger question—was I in love with the right person. Love, as I had so painfully learned, was not enough. I had been in love before. I was divorced. And it wasn’t just marriage I’d gotten wrong. More than once Mr. Right had turned out to be Mr. Oh-So-Wrong, My relationship self-confidence was 2 on a scale of 1-to-10. I wanted to get it right this time but so shattered was my self-confidence, that I came very close to simply assuming I was wrong this time, too, no matter how effectively he had swept me off my feet. As time went on and I fell more deeply in love with Dale, I asked myself time and again, how can I know if he is “the one.” I thought back to the committed relationships that had gone wrong and asked myself if I’d missed any don’t-do-this cues. I had. I realized that each time I had committed myself to a relationship that didn’t work, I had ignored those little voices that, had I listened and trusted rather than rationalized away, would have protected me. Those cautionary voices—my intuition—had always been right. Hmmm . . . was I onto to something? Yes, indeed.

Turns out that scientific studies prove there’s a lot to this intuition stuff but I didn’t know it at the time. All I knew then was that in every situation where my intuition had spoken, I had ignored it. I rationalized my gut feelings away and convinced myself that everything was super peachy keen. This time, however, I invited those little voices to speak up. “Come on,” I said out loud, “talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong with this picture.” Nothing. Silence. “No, really,” I begged, “talk to me.” Again, silence. Well, whaddya know? There were no little voices telling me to run and run fast. Every bit of me—my brain, my heart, and most importantly my intuition—said, “Go for it!”

That was 14 years ago and I’ve never had a moment’s regret. Dale and I are now happily married and I can’t envision life without him. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend. Her intuition is her best friend. If you want to know if he’s Mr. Right, don’t over-think it. You’ll end up exhausted and confused. Sit quietly and ask your intuition to talk to you. Listen carefully. And trust those little voices. They don’t lie.

In 1975 Paul Simon released his hit song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”  I recently looked up the lyrics and discovered something I’d failed to notice in 1975 when I was hummin’ along. The song is about a woman giving a man advice on how to extricate himself from his current relationship. The song ends with said woman kissing him and suggesting that they sleep on it, a suggestion which leads him to conclude that she’s probably right—there must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Hmmmm . . . sounds like that woman had her own agenda!

If your relationship hits a rough patch, it’s tempting to focus on the 50 things your partner does “wrong” and the 50 “reasons” why things are falling apart. If we apply Newton’s law of physics—a thing in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon—it’s easy to see that such negative thinking will lead to pondering which of the 50 ways to leave your lover is the way to go.

In today’s crazy busy world in which electronic devices control our lives, it’s easy to sit in front of the TV, each with a laptop or iPhone, and be completely not together while in the same room. We have careers, charity work, kids to ferry about, pets to walk, gyms to visit, parties to plan, aging parents to care for.  We have so many demands on our lives and our time that it’s easy to let our relationship take a back seat until, one day, we find ourselves humming Paul Simon’s song.

I got to thinking . . . if there are 50 ways to leave your lover, there must be at least 50 ways to love your lover. If you did just one every day, your relationship couldn’t help but be more emotionally intimate. Your relationship, like all dynamic things that requires care and feeding, would flourish. So, here’s my suggestion—regardless of whether your relationship is cruising or has hit a speed bump, make a list of 50 ways to love your sweetheart and then do one (or more) every day. Even better, make your lists together and give your sweetheart ideas on how to love you. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Turn off the TV and play gin rummy.
• Call your sweetheart at work just to say, “I’m thinking about you.”
• Slip into your sweetheart’s shower.
• Give a back rub.
• Send your honey a flirty text message.
• Surprise your sweetheart with his or her favorite dessert.
• Give a hug for no reason at all.
• Tell your sweetheart how happy you are to have him or her in your life.
• Hold hands as you fall asleep.
• Give a compliment.
• Surprise your sweetheart by doing one of his or her chores.
• Pull the photo album off the shelf and take a trip down memory lane.
• Touch your sweetie’s cheek.
• Tell your sweetheart what you love about him or her.
• Make your good-bye kiss 10 seconds longer.

There are everyday demands on your time and energy that you just can’t avoid. Sure, on Saturday you may skip your shower and on Sunday you may skip your morning run, but we all have responsibilities and obligations that sap the vitality right out of us. Don’t make the mistake of putting your relationship last. There are 50 ways to love your lover. Right now, right his minute, think of one and then just do it!

Release date: September '09

My book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy comes out next month. Can’t wait! I’ve been working on this project for what feels like forever. Writing a book is a lonely endeavor. But it requires the support of those who get short shrift while you’re holed up in your office writing, re-writing, editing, staring at a blank screen, etc. My guy Dale earned about a bazillion Frequent Foreplay Miles during the process. He is the greatest. One afternoon, after I’d been at it since 4 a.m., he walked into my office holding the most gorgeous, plump, red-ripe strawberry I’ve ever seen. He offered it to me and said, “Here, I want you to have a bright spot in your day.” Omigod!! Did I not tell you he’s the greatest? That, folks, is emotional foreplay at its best. And just as great foreplay is essential to Wow! sex, great emotional foreplay is essential to a Wow! relationship. I’m not kidding you when I say this: When Dale offered me that strawberry I couldn’t have been more touched, felt more loved, felt more supported, or felt more connected to him had he offered me a 10 karat diamond ring. With that simple gesture, made at exactly the right moment, he said, “I’m thinking about you, I support what you’re doing, and I love you.”  Wow! I’ll never again see a ripe strawberry without being reminded how lucky I am to have Dale in my life and how much I love him.