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Posts Tagged ‘marriage advice’

Constructive Criticism Seldom Is

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

“You have more butt than you need, but you have a nice shape.” That’s the closest my hubby Dale has come to criticizing me and to be honest, his comment was merely a verbal observation of fact. I now have more butt than when the comment was made, but he’s never said another word about it. Bless him.

Coupling up bestows permission to say things (e.g., about your sweetie’s butt) that might not otherwise be appropriate. However, there’s a very thin line, over which you ought not to step, between criticism and comments such as that made by Dale. Criticism trashes emotional intimacy. Here’s why: To be justified in criticizing another person, the following must be true:

• You are right and the other person is wrong,
• You are superior in position or knowledge, and
• You have the right to voice criticism and demand certain behavior.

Your sweetheart’s boss, drill sergeant, mother, coach, personal trainer, or professor may meet that criteria but, as your partner’s equal, you do not. What you are (or should be) is the one person on the planet who your partner can always, absolutely, no questions asked, no doubt about it, count on for support. If you want emotional intimacy (and who doesn’t) then never, ever cause your partner to question that support.

You already know that shouting, “You’re lazy!” is more likely to result in the cold shoulder than help around the house. “No, honey, you’re wrong,” won’t endear you to your partner. “You could lose a few pounds,” is likely to get you cut off from you-know-what for several weeks! I don’t need to remind you that overt criticism plays havoc with intimacy. What we all need to remember is that it’s those situations where we’re tempted to give “constructive criticism” that are tricky. Here’s an example:

Your sweetheart is down in the dumps because, in his annual review, the boss said he’s too independent. It may be accurate to say, “Playing well with others is not your strong point. You need to work on that.” And your intention may be loving and the criticism may arguably be constructive, but would it be helpful? Probably not. There’s a good chance your partner will interpret your comment as siding with the boss, who at that moment is public enemy #1. What does that make you?

In this example, supporting your sweetheart doesn’t mean going on a rant about how clueless the boss is. It means saying and doing those things that will help your sweetheart come to his own conclusion about how to best handle it. Until asked for your advice and your help, keep it to yourself. When asked, be careful to give suggestions that are helpful and supportive WITHOUT expressing a single critical word. It’s not up to you to point out your sweetheart’s flaws or to tell him or her how to fix those flaws. If you need to fix something, work on yourself.

To be emotionally intimate, you must be connected. Criticism severs that connection and has no place in an intimate relationship. Noel Coward said it best, “I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.”

Intimacy Rituals

Monday, December 28th, 2009

Have you ever noticed how a good marriage has the attributes of friendship?  Someone’s there to zip your dress, give an opinion about what tie goes with the jacket, fetch aspirin for your headache, and (and this is important!) laugh at your jokes, funny or goofy. Good stuff. But what sustains a marriage and what makes living together on a daily basis, with all the ups and downs, easy and comfortable is Emotional Intimacy. That’s why it’s important for every couple to have intimacy rituals that can be practiced daily.

No, I don’t mean candles, heated massage oil, and the hot tub. Those are great—for sexual intimacy. But let’s not confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In the falling-in-love fireworks stage of your relationship, intimacy equaled SEX! But once you settle into your nest, the stork pays a visit or two, there’s a lawn to be mowed, the cat has to go to the vet, kids need chauffeuring or help with homework, the car breaks down, the toilet backs up, one of you loses a job, gets sick, or has an argument with a friend. All of that makes you too tired to think, let alone jump each other’s bones.

When the now-less-frequent opportunity for sex presents itself, there are times when you really do have a headache, are beyond irritated by your mouthy teen-ager’s attitude, have an early flight to catch, or for whatever reason you’re just not in the mood. It’s a bummer, I agree, but you just cannot rely on sex to provide the intimacy you need to have a great relationship. Yes, a good sex life is important, but without emotional intimacy, your marriage is likely to wither and die no matter how great the sex may be.

Intimacy rituals don’t have to be complicated or take a big chunk of time and can even be part of a daily chore or event. Here’s what Hubby Dale and I do. At the beginning of the day, Dale sits in the bathroom and chats with me while I get dressed for the office. We don’t talk about anything special, we’re just together for a few minutes before we go our separate ways. We come back together over dinner. We don’t answer the phone and the TV is off. We talk about current events or Dale’s trip to the grocery store where he ran into a friend, we chuckle over something cute a grandchild said, we plan a dinner party, or revisit a favorite memory. An eavesdropper would find it mundane, but for us, it’s a reconnection after being apart all day.

For you, an intimacy ritual might be calling each other on your lunch hour and taking 15 minutes to catch up on your day, cooking dinner together, doing an evening crossword puzzle, playing dominoes, or turning off the TV, snuggling and chatting for 20 minutes before going to sleep.

Converting an everyday event into an intimacy ritual may require nothing more than a change in how you view that activity. Finding the time may be as easy as doing together what one usually does alone. Bathing the baby, pulling weeds, grocery shopping, preparing the evening meal, washing the cars, etc., are all opportunities for the kind of togetherness that fosters emotional intimacy. You just need the right state of mind.

Give it a try and see how much closer you will be.  Then, let me know how it works out.

Marriage: Is It Really Hard Work?

Sunday, November 29th, 2009

“Marriage is hard work.”  I think that’s a bunch of bologna. If I had said to Dale, “Honey, being married is going to require hard work, and lots of it,” he would have cut and run as fast as he could and who would have blamed him? Certainly not me. When I envision a great marriage, I don’t see a labor camp. So, I got to wondering why do we so often hear, even from relationship gurus, that a good marriage requires hard work. I’m thinking maybe couples are working hard on the wrong things. For instance . . .

Being right. Just as you can’t have over without under, up without down, cold without hot, or light without dark, you can’t be right without someone else being wrong. While there are things that, based on empirical evidence, are objectively right, I’m sorry to say that your opinion is not one of them. We all have opinions about virtually everything…the prettiest color for the bathroom…the superiority of cats over dogs (or vice verse)…the best team in football…the perfect recipe for mac ‘n cheese…what music is worth listening to, and so on ad infinitum.

And while it may be difficult, if not downright impossible, to believe that anyone would love eggplant, prefer beige to taupe, and think a day at the water park is as good as it gets, your partner has opinions, too. Expressing your opinion is easy. Listening to your sweetheart’s opinion is easy if not mind-boggling. So far, no hard work. It’s when you elevate your opinion to universally right and then try to convince your sweetheart that he or she is wrong that the going gets tough.

Differences are just that. Your sweetheart is not your clone. Get over it. If you insist of making differences matters of right and wrong, you’re going to be exhausted from the hard (and futile) work of convincing your sweetheart how right you are and how wrong he or she is. Worse, you’re going to be an irritating bore. It’s not necessary to reconcile all your differences to peacefully coexist. Really, it’s okay if you’re a Democrat and your sweetie is a Republican.  Where differences do have to be reconciled—yep, you do have to agree on what color to paint the bathroom—it’s just a matter of negotiation. And, come on, differences make life more interesting, don’t they? No matter how wonderful you are, would you really want to live with your mirror image?

Arguing about whether beige or taupe is “right” is not only a waste of time and exhausting, it plays havoc with intimacy. So, here’s the choice:

• Argue about who’s right until you run out of steam, one of you finally gives in, and end up sleeping back-to-back with a wall of ice between you, or
• Nix the argument, let your sweetheart “win” this one, pick up Frequent Foreplay Miles, and enjoy between-the-sheets and emotional intimacy.

If you want more intimacy in your relationship (and who doesn’t?), stop working hard on the wrong things.

More on this topic in future posts.  So, stay tuned!

Remarriage: The Blend Setting on the Cuisinart of Life

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

It’s been 10+ years since I did the remarriage thing. And I’ll admit it, I’m one of the lucky ones. Hubby Dale lived on a boat. He had nothing (I’m not kidding, nothing) to move into my house that I had decorated precisely to my taste. No recliner. No Elvis-on-Velvet art. Nada. All he asked was 3 feet of closet space. With some pushing and condensing I managed to squeeze out just about that much. And, he has no kids. Blending our lives was pretty simple. But for many couples, remarriage is all about blending. The kids. The finances. The pets. The former in-laws. All of that’s a breeze, however, compared to blending your stuff.

You’ve both got a house full of furniture, art, knickknacks, and–‘fess up–a ton of crap that by any standard belongs in a garage sale at best, more likely in the trash. But it’s your crap, thank you very much, and you’re attached to it: the molded-to-his-backside recliner with cup holder and duct-tape-repaired rip…the tattered-but-beloved bed canopy your great-grandmother crocheted in the previous century…the paint-by-number landscape your grown-up son did as a ten-year old…the ceramic frog collection you started as a kid that now occupies an entire bookcase. It’s no small task to find a place for all that stuff let alone tastefully mix early American milk glass with contemporary chrome ‘n glass.

Remarriage. Yep, it’s a challenge. It’s enough to make one seriously contemplate Katharine Hepburn’s approach. She said, “I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” I dunno, Katharine. Sharing the nest with your sweetheart is pretty darned nice. So, think of all that stuff-blending as an opportunity to score points (or what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). If you do, you’ll find yourselves each giving in a little and before you know it, you’ll have your cozy nest just the way it should be, recliner, ceramic frogs and all.

Intimacy: When Less is More

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Hubby Dale and a guy friend sat on their boat knocking down a few beers and whiled away a lazy afternoon by listing body “ations”—urination, expectoration, perspiration, etc. I tried, but failed, to imagine doing the same with a girlfriend. We would identify the three most important “ations”—exfoliation, ovulation and menstruation, three these two geniuses missed—and then go shoe shopping.

Like it or not, “ations” are part of life. When you’re cheek by jowl it’s impossible to pretend, as you do in those early getting-to-know-each-other days, that you’re the only person on the planet who doesn’t experience them. At some point, one or the other of you will fart, belch, or leave the bathroom in need of fumigation. One bit of relaxed behavior leads to another and before you know it, you’re sharing—perhaps over-sharing—all those “ations.”

It’s not fair to stereotype but it seems to me that most guys never quite get over their middle-school fascination with body functions, especially flatulation and eructation (belching). There’s even a certain pride that some men take in “ations” as if the louder the belch or the more pungent the flatulence, the more manly they are. I. Do. Not. Get. It.

Okay, I admit it. I sometimes see the humor. Dale and I were at a Wednesday afternoon matinee, the favorite showing for folks from the retirement community. During a quiet moment Dale coughed so hard he ripped one. A really loud one. The elderly woman in front of Dale reached up and patted her head as if she feared the blast had dislodged her wig. We could not stop laughing and had to leave.

Then there’s grooming. In a perfect world, we’d all wake up as they do in the soaps—perfect hair, perfect make-up, no morning breath. You wouldn’t need to floss or brush your teeth, clip your toenails, exfoliate, mud pack, shave, or file your calluses. It’s soooooooooo not a perfect world.

I think most body functions and grooming should be done behind closed doors. Dale is more relaxed. I’m convinced he’d never seek privacy but for the fact that he reads on the john and doesn’t want to be disturbed. Oddly, the one thing that grosses him out is watching me put my contacts on. You may consider that as weird as I do, but it does demonstrate an important point. When it comes to body functions and grooming, it’s a good idea to know when you’re crossing your sweetie’s “that’s disgusting” line. We all have our quirks. Kathy is grossed out by teeth flossing, Elijah by ear wax on Q-Tips. I need complete privacy to groom my feet. Nail clippings make Rebecca want to hurl. Respect your sweetheart’s quirks and avoid the gross out.

It may be impossible to maintain the same level of propriety you would around a total stranger, but remember this: In an intimate relationship, there are times when less is more.

Celebrating with Champagne!

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

For the last few days I’ve had this respiratory crud that last night erupted into one of those nasty coughs. So, today I stayed in bed. It was 9:30 a.m. and I was sound asleep when I heard glasses rattling. I awoke to find Dale heading for the bed with a tray of champagne and two glasses.  Also sitting on the tray was the very first printed edition of my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. Was I dreaming? Was the cold medication making me hallucinate? Or, was it possible that, after all the work, it had finally become reality? “Is it here?” I asked. “It is,” he said, “and I am so proud of you!” What a guy, huh? Suddenly, my cold didn’t seem so bad and I was floating on cloud nine. I’ve never happier for a UPS delivery. Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!

So, stayed tuned. Soon, you’ll be able to hold your edition, too.

Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn: Irreconcilable Differences

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009

Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn are once again in the California divorce system. That state has “no fault” divorce, though I think maybe it should be called “everyone’s at fault and there’s plenty of it to go around” divorce. Whatever. Point is, all you have to do is say you have irreconcilable differences and that’s the end of the story, at least as far as the judge is concerned. When I read the news blurb about the off-again Penn marriage, I wondered just what “differences” they have that are incapable of being “reconciled” such that their 20-year togetherness is kaput.

Seems to me that every couple has gazillions of differences they “reconcile” every day.  He’s a dog person, she’s a cat person. He loves eggplant, it makes her gag. She’s crazy about opera, he’s a heavy metal freak. He loves to camp, she’s afraid of bugs. His favorite TV show is demolition derby, hers is Days of our Lives. She loves to scrapbook, he’s into chain saw art. Differences. They make us interesting. And, they sometimes challenge us. She’s Catholic, he’s Jewish—how do you raise the kids? He’s believes in spanking, she doesn’t—how do you discipline the kids? She likes to travel, he’s a homebody—how do you spend vacation time? Challenging, yes. Irreconcilable, no.

So at what point do differences really become irreconcilable?  I think it’s the moment when you run out of the energy and desire it takes to do the hard work. There are times when you simply can’t do more, don’t want to do more, and just want out. I get it. I’ve been there. But let’s call a spade a spade, okay? Except in limited situations, e.g., where one  refuses to stop smacking the other one around or refuses to give up side nooky, when a couple splits based on “irreconcilable differences” it really means they simply gave up. Maybe this a distinction without a difference, I dunno. But I’m thinking that maybe more couples would go that extra mile to work it all out if, when contemplating divorce, they ask themselves, “Are our differences really irreconcilable, or are we quitting?” In my book, it’s okay to quit—no judgment from this quarter—but not to pretend that you’re movin’ on because your differences cannot be reconciled.

As for Robin and Sean, I wish them the best.

The Meltdown: Another Ticket to Marital Intimacy

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Hey, check out my just-published article.  Here’s an excerpt . . .

Things go wrong. The oven malfunctions, the appetizer burns, and your snooty in-laws arrive to a smoke-filled house. You’re leaving for your brother’s wedding and the baby throws up on the perfect silk dress you shopped for months to find. The flight home from the conference your boss made you attend is late. You miss your own birthday party.
A meltdown is yours to have. The sweetheart who wants to earn points (or what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles) shows support with, “That really sucks!” and leaves you to rant ‘n rave until you realize you’ve crossed the line from justifiably upset to childish.

There are times, however, when the meltdown is up for grabs and goes to the first taker . . .

Read the entire article at DivaToolbox.com: The Meltdown: Another Ticket to Marital Intimacy

Creating Intimacy with a Beer Summit

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009

All this ballyhoo about four guys getting together to down a brew or two has got me thinking maybe they’re onto something. After all, Professor Gates and the guy who arrested him, Officer Crowley, now seem to be best buddies.

True, anyone who sits down with the prez (members of Congress excluded of course) is likely to behave. But I think it was the beer. Breaking bread or imbibing together is just so darned civilized. Think about it. What’s the first thing you do when someone comes to your home? Offer food and beverage, then sit down to polite conversation.

Hmmmmmm . . . here’s an idea: The next time you and your sweetie lock horns, try saying, “Honey, can I pour you a [insert beverage of choice]?” If a beer summit can bring arrestee and cop together, think what a Pinot Noir summit or a Dom Perignon summit can do for your marital bliss. Ah, the joys of make-up sex! As for me, a glass or two of the bubbly and I’m about as forgiving and willing (wink, wink) as I can get. Try it and lemme know how it works out for you.

Take Your Marriage Vitamins 'Cuz Divorce is Bad for Your Health

Friday, July 31st, 2009

CNN ran a story a day or two ago about how divorce has a permanently bad affect on your mental and physical health. In my case NOT getting a divorce would have had a permanently bad affect on my mental—and his physical—health!! Sometimes we just blow it. Maybe we’re  too young to get married, lookin’ for love in the wrong place, or too screwed up to know when to just say, “No!” Then, we come to our senses and divorce is the answer.

Having said that, divorce sucks no matter what. Did you know that a huge percentage of people who get a divorce are sorry they threw in the towel and wish they’d tried harder? I get it. I am crazy in love with my hubby Dale and I don’t miss my ex (nice guy that he may be), but I kinda’ sorta’ wish  I’d done it right from the get-go and avoided the divorce track altogether. My kid would have grown up in a two-parent home and I’d probably have a lot more money in the bank. Sigh.

So, look, if you find yourself envying your single friends, you or your sweetie are spending way too much time on thin ice or in the dog house, or you find yourself wondering if the jail time for physical assault is worth it, maybe it’s time to put the attitude brakes on and make a U-Turn in the way you think about your still-significant-other. Try this: Take a quiet moment to list five times when your sweetheart made you think you’re the luckiest person on the planet. Those times don’t have to be the stuff of epic romance novels, just sweet times. Maybe it’s the day you planted the now fully matured roses, or sat on a bench holding hands enjoying the view, or cooked Thai food together for the first time. Reliving those memories just might give you the oomph to work a tad harder at keeping your marriage together. It’s like vitamins—taking one won’t make you healthy, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Whadya got to lose?

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