Want more intimacy- in and out of the bedroom? Learn how with

Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy

It's fun. It's easy. And it works.

Posts Tagged ‘marriage communication’

Constructive Criticism Seldom Is

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

“You have more butt than you need, but you have a nice shape.” That’s the closest my hubby Dale has come to criticizing me and to be honest, his comment was merely a verbal observation of fact. I now have more butt than when the comment was made, but he’s never said another word about it. Bless him.

Coupling up bestows permission to say things (e.g., about your sweetie’s butt) that might not otherwise be appropriate. However, there’s a very thin line, over which you ought not to step, between criticism and comments such as that made by Dale. Criticism trashes emotional intimacy. Here’s why: To be justified in criticizing another person, the following must be true:

• You are right and the other person is wrong,
• You are superior in position or knowledge, and
• You have the right to voice criticism and demand certain behavior.

Your sweetheart’s boss, drill sergeant, mother, coach, personal trainer, or professor may meet that criteria but, as your partner’s equal, you do not. What you are (or should be) is the one person on the planet who your partner can always, absolutely, no questions asked, no doubt about it, count on for support. If you want emotional intimacy (and who doesn’t) then never, ever cause your partner to question that support.

You already know that shouting, “You’re lazy!” is more likely to result in the cold shoulder than help around the house. “No, honey, you’re wrong,” won’t endear you to your partner. “You could lose a few pounds,” is likely to get you cut off from you-know-what for several weeks! I don’t need to remind you that overt criticism plays havoc with intimacy. What we all need to remember is that it’s those situations where we’re tempted to give “constructive criticism” that are tricky. Here’s an example:

Your sweetheart is down in the dumps because, in his annual review, the boss said he’s too independent. It may be accurate to say, “Playing well with others is not your strong point. You need to work on that.” And your intention may be loving and the criticism may arguably be constructive, but would it be helpful? Probably not. There’s a good chance your partner will interpret your comment as siding with the boss, who at that moment is public enemy #1. What does that make you?

In this example, supporting your sweetheart doesn’t mean going on a rant about how clueless the boss is. It means saying and doing those things that will help your sweetheart come to his own conclusion about how to best handle it. Until asked for your advice and your help, keep it to yourself. When asked, be careful to give suggestions that are helpful and supportive WITHOUT expressing a single critical word. It’s not up to you to point out your sweetheart’s flaws or to tell him or her how to fix those flaws. If you need to fix something, work on yourself.

To be emotionally intimate, you must be connected. Criticism severs that connection and has no place in an intimate relationship. Noel Coward said it best, “I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.”

Intimacy Rituals

Monday, December 28th, 2009

Take time to talk.

Have you ever noticed how a good marriage has the attributes of friendship?  Someone’s there to zip your dress, give an opinion about what tie goes with the jacket, fetch aspirin for your headache, and (and this is important!) laugh at your jokes, funny or goofy. Good stuff. But what sustains a marriage and what makes living together on a daily basis, with all the ups and downs, easy and comfortable is Emotional Intimacy. That’s why it’s important for every couple to have intimacy rituals that can be practiced daily.

No, I don’t mean candles, heated massage oil, and the hot tub. Those are great—for sexual intimacy. But let’s not confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In the falling-in-love fireworks stage of your relationship, intimacy equaled SEX! But once you settle into your nest, the stork pays a visit or two, there’s a lawn to be mowed, the cat has to go to the vet, kids need chauffeuring or help with homework, the car breaks down, the toilet backs up, one of you loses a job, gets sick, or has an argument with a friend. All of that makes you too tired to think, let alone jump each other’s bones.

When the now-less-frequent opportunity for sex presents itself, there are times when you really do have a headache, are beyond irritated by your mouthy teen-ager’s attitude, have an early flight to catch, or for whatever reason you’re just not in the mood. It’s a bummer, I agree, but you just cannot rely on sex to provide the intimacy you need to have a great relationship. Yes, a good sex life is important, but without emotional intimacy, your marriage is likely to wither and die no matter how great the sex may be.

Intimacy rituals don’t have to be complicated or take a big chunk of time and can even be part of a daily chore or event. Here’s what Hubby Dale and I do. At the beginning of the day, Dale sits in the bathroom and chats with me while I get dressed for the office. We don’t talk about anything special, we’re just together for a few minutes before we go our separate ways. We come back together over dinner. We don’t answer the phone and the TV is off. We talk about current events or Dale’s trip to the grocery store where he ran into a friend, we chuckle over something cute a grandchild said, we plan a dinner party, or revisit a favorite memory. An eavesdropper would find it mundane, but for us, it’s a reconnection after being apart all day.

For you, an intimacy ritual might be calling each other on your lunch hour and taking 15 minutes to catch up on your day, cooking dinner together, doing an evening crossword puzzle, playing dominoes, or turning off the TV, snuggling and chatting for 20 minutes before going to sleep.

Converting an everyday event into an intimacy ritual may require nothing more than a change in how you view that activity. Finding the time may be as easy as doing together what one usually does alone. Bathing the baby, pulling weeds, grocery shopping, preparing the evening meal, washing the cars, etc., are all opportunities for the kind of togetherness that fosters emotional intimacy. You just need the right state of mind.

Give it a try and see how much closer you will be.  Then, let me know how it works out.

Remarriage: The Blend Setting on the Cuisinart of Life

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

Elvis on Velvet

It’s been 10+ years since I did the remarriage thing. And I’ll admit it, I’m one of the lucky ones. Hubby Dale lived on a boat. He had nothing (I’m not kidding, nothing) to move into my house that I had decorated precisely to my taste. No recliner. No Elvis-on-Velvet art. Nada. All he asked was 3 feet of closet space. With some pushing and condensing I managed to squeeze out just about that much. And, he has no kids. Blending our lives was pretty simple. But for many couples, remarriage is all about blending. The kids. The finances. The pets. The former in-laws. All of that’s a breeze, however, compared to blending your stuff.

You’ve both got a house full of furniture, art, knickknacks, and–‘fess up–a ton of crap that by any standard belongs in a garage sale at best, more likely in the trash. But it’s your crap, thank you very much, and you’re attached to it: the molded-to-his-backside recliner with cup holder and duct-tape-repaired rip…the tattered-but-beloved bed canopy your great-grandmother crocheted in the previous century…the paint-by-number landscape your grown-up son did as a ten-year old…the ceramic frog collection you started as a kid that now occupies an entire bookcase. It’s no small task to find a place for all that stuff let alone tastefully mix early American milk glass with contemporary chrome ‘n glass.

Remarriage. Yep, it’s a challenge. It’s enough to make one seriously contemplate Katharine Hepburn’s approach. She said, “I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” I dunno, Katharine. Sharing the nest with your sweetheart is pretty darned nice. So, think of all that stuff-blending as an opportunity to score points (or what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). If you do, you’ll find yourselves each giving in a little and before you know it, you’ll have your cozy nest just the way it should be, recliner, ceramic frogs and all.

Creating Intimacy with Private Jokes

Monday, September 7th, 2009

Amazon River

Have you ever been with a couple and one says something to the other that seems to make sense only to them? You say, “What?” They say, “Private joke,” and give each other a meaningful glance. I was working on the chapter in my book about humor and it occurred to me that it’s often from humorous situations that “private jokes” arise. E.g., Dale and I were on a camping tour of Manu Reserve in the Peruvian Amazon basin. Dale was in heaven and although it was pretty cool to wake to the sound of howler monkeys and see poison dart frogs in their natural environment, there’s a reason why a rain forest is called a rain forest. Wet. Hot. Humid. Camping. No shower. REALLY big bugs. Ugh! On the tour were four other couples, including Lucinda and Graham from London where an umbrella is an everyday accessory. While the rest of us drowned rats huddled in an open canoe wearing cheap plastic ponchos purchased on the streets of Cuzco, Lucinda and Graham were cuddled under the giant umbrella they thought to bring with them. As if this weren’t annoying enough, they were also irrepressibly chipper—of course they were, they were dry! Every morning, they’d get up and describe the previous night in a moldy old tent as, “Brilliant!” By the fifth day, I was pretty cranky and, frankly, tired of Lucinda and Graham. Dale (normally a very funny guy) was having the time of his life and attempted to make a joke with our non-English speaking Peruvian guide who, of course, didn’t get it. I grabbed Dale by the lapels, pulled his face close to mine, and said through clenched teeth, “Dale, you are not funny in the rain forest!” Without blinking an eye, he looked down at me and said, “Graham thinks I’m funny.” I cracked up. Now, years later, when I fail to find Dale as humorous as he thinks he is, I say, “This is the rain forest.” He knows to get serious but before he does, he often adds, “Graham thinks I’m funny,” and it always makes me smile.

The phrase “not pregnant” also has a special meaning for us. It means “don’t make assumptions.”  Here’s how that one came about: We were on our way to an afternoon matinee. I was driving my hot little Mustang, chatting and not paying close enough attention, when I rear-ended a van. We pulled into the closest parking lot and while I went to speak to the driver, Dale ran to the passenger side to make sure no one was hurt. He yanked the door open and blurted out to the large woman reclining in the seat, “Oh, my God, you’re really pregnant!” She wasn’t. Ha!

Bottom line:  Every couple in love builds their own little “world” of shared experiences, code words, meaningful glances, and gestures only they understand. It’s part of what makes a couple a couple. It’s pretty darned intimate when you two are the only ones in a crowded room to share a “private joke.”

Copyright © 2010 · Frequent Foreplay Miles · All rights reserved