The enemy of a great relationship is complacency. It begins so innocently. You forget how attractive, funny or caring your honey is because you’re together all the time. You get wrapped up in your “stuff” and forget to do the little, day-to-day things that make your sweetheart aware of your love. You forget how good life feels because you picked someone amazing and the lottery win of being picked back. Before you know it, you reach the relationship expiration date— the day one of you wakes up and thinks, “What am I doing here?”

The antidote to complacency is dating. Unfortunately, many couples stop dating once the deal is struck. Continuing to date after marriage or committing to a life partnership, however, is critical to keeping the ooh-la-la factor alive IF you do it right. Here’s how:

Set the stage for a great date long before the date begins. Not every date has to end in sex, but it’s sure nice when it does! After all, you already know you’re going home to the same bedroom. As I tell my audiences and the couples I coach, foreplay is all day, everyday. It does not begin when her warm body slides up next to his. It begins at breakfast and continues throughout the day. It’s the small gestures, the acts of kindness, the thoughtful, sweet and loving things you do that warm things up emotionally. You see, for great sex you need to stimulate two vital organs—the brain and the heart. Once that happens, you’re ready for the other kind of foreplay! Oh, and don’t forget the good night kiss at the door or a little make-out session in the car. Just because you’re crossing the threshold together doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a little spice-it-up time before you do.

Dress the part. Flash back time: remember how you used to prepare for a date with each other? Ladies, you thought all day about what to wear, you were flossed and glossed gorgeous, smelled heavenly, and felt sassy. Guys, you were showered and shaved, smelled great, wore nice clothes, and had the car washed. Do it again. Get dressed up for each other! Lookin’ hot casts a magic spell of deliciousness.

Find a quiet space. Dating your mate is so much more than dinner, the same old conversation, and a movie where you can’t talk at all. It’s about being together. You need to turn off the noise so you can turn on one another. Sometimes that means literally going to a quiet place where you can hear each other—an intimate restaurant, a bench by the ocean, or even the back seat of your car. And, it always means turning off the noise in your head and paying attention to your sweetie whether you’re talking ‘til dawn or dancing ‘til dawn.

Leave the grind behind. Nix the crap you usually talk about—this is not the time to talk about your kid’s grades, the jerk at work, or the home repairs that need to be done. This is the time to talk about the stuff you used to talk about when you were first dating. If necessary, plan ahead by making a list of topics. Be an attentive listener. Ask questions. A nod of your head, the touch of your hand, laughter or a smile, show that you are fully engaged and present. The best conversations, the ones where you learn about your sweetheart (and sometimes about yourself), happen only when all the background static is silent.

Remember, this is a date. It’s your time to be fun, relaxed, flirty and sexy with the person you love and adore. Keep it sweet and don’t forget dessert!

Shela Dean is a Relationship Coach, Speaker and Amazon Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. She is also the author of the popular Everyday Foreplay blog. Subscribe today!

It’s here!  Another new year!  With the effortless flick of a clock’s hand, as if by magic, we start anew. Ah, if only it was as easy as waving a magic wand to start anew in other ways. A flick of the wrist and poof! All our difficulties would disappear If only!

In relationships it sometimes feels like the opposite of this is true.  When issues arise (as they do in every relationship), they often seem insurmountable when, in fact, we really can make them disappear without much effort. You see, the solution is usually right in front of you IF you don’t let the roadblocks (i.e., pride, fear and distractions) get in the way. Come on, you often know in your heart exactly what’s wrong in your love life and you also know the fix.  For instance, how often have you thought, “If only we could have date night once in a while,” or, “We never have sex any more.” And, how many times have you done nothing about it? Or, worse, wondered with frustration why your partner doesn’t show the initiative to move “us” forward? All it really takes to get from point A to point B is charting a path.  Someone has to take the initiative. Why not you?

It’s a new year and a great time to leap over roadblocks and make a bee line to the fix for what’s “wrong” in your relationship. As it is with great companies and great lives, in great relationships, it’s the constant reassessing and redirecting of objectives, assets and responsibility that keeps them on a path toward growth and success. Today is a wonderful day to begin that trip with your sweetheart. Sit with your honey this weekend and create four or five New Year’s Relationship Resolutions.  Then, chart your course for how to reach those goals. Be as specific as possible—especially considering the possible roadblocks that could stand in your way. Assign responsibility to one or the other of you wherever possible.For example, if one of your Relationship Resolutions is to spend more time as a couple, instead of just being “mom and dad,” then be sure to make a responsibility list of things like:

* Childcare

* Choosing an activity and or great restaurant

* Budget for the day or evening

* Possibly inviting another couple

Whatever you set as your relationship goals for 2011, remember to schedule monthly check ups.  Don’t be like so many couples that take better care of their cars they do their relationships!  Calendar a time each month to look at how you’re meeting your goals.  Where are you hitting the ball out of the park?  Where are you falling short?  (Remember, this isn’t a bitch and complain session. It’s just a few minutes to redirect if you’ve lost track of your important hopes and dreams for 2011.) 

Finally, no matter how great your relationship may be, you gotta’ pay attention to it or it won’t be great for long.  Even if you’re racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles almost daily, you still to check in every so often and make sure you’re on the same page. 

Here’s to you, to your wonderful relationships, to your friends and family, and to all you hold dear.  May 2011 be filled with health, wealth, wonder, and break-the-bank Frequent Foreplay Miles.

With love, Shela Dean, Relationship Expert and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

My friend Susie and her husband keep a joint journal of their marriage. When the spirit moves, he or she pulls the journal off the shelf and writes. They write about everyday things, express their feelings about something the other of them did that was hurtful, disappointing, thoughtful, or especially meaningful. They write how they’re feeling about their marriage, careers, friendships, and lives. Their individual musings are there for the other to read and to learn from. When they travel, their pictures go in their journal and each of them writes about the trip. They individually read the journal to see what the other has written, and, other times, they pull it off the shelf, read it together, and talk about what they’ve read. A joint journal. One of the coolest ideas I’ve heard in a very long time—a great way to celebrate and memorialize a marriage.

Hubby Dale and I once decided to keep a journal of the wonderful meals that Dale—a great chef—prepares, including the wine we serve, what friends join us, a “review” of the meal, etc. I think that lasted one, maybe two meals before we forgot about it. As much as I love the idea of a joint journal, these old dogs are not likely to learn that new trick. We’re talkers, are comfortable sharing our feelings and big on “remember when.” True, we can’t always recall the detail we otherwise might if we journaled, but our remember-when conversations always capture the essence of what we were feeling and doing then.

It’s not the “how” of sharing thoughts and recording memories, it’s the “doing” that gives your relationship texture, reinforces your togetherness, supports mutual trust, and creates the glue that holds you together when the going gets rough. What defines any relationship and makes it unique from all others—whether it be marriage, friendship, or business—is what’s shared within that relationship. Meeting and overcoming adversity together, sharing and reaching goals, laughing together until your sides ache, crying together until there are no more tears. All of these things—and many more—forge a relationship into steel, strong enough to survive inevitable challenges. It’s not just sharing an experience that gives a relationship value. If it were, then the stranger who sat next to you on the roller coaster ride that scared the bejesus out of you would have become a valued friend. What gives a relationship value is the ability to emotionally share an experience—not just the good feelings, but the freedom to express all your feelings about that experience, feeling safe enough to say how scared you were, how much it hurt, how badly you wanted it, how embarrassed you were, how you regret what you did or said, all without fear of judgment or loss of affection.

The old use-it-or-lose-it adage is apt here. If it’s the sharing—physically and emotionally—that forges a marriage and keeps you close, then failing to do so allows you to drift apart. It’s so easy in today’s world to let your relationship move to the back burner and to put off until tomorrow what there’s no time for today. Don’t make that mistake. Make and take the time to talk to each other, to share your thoughts, your feelings, your life. Make and take the time to create memories.

Your marriage is (or certainly can be) your most valued relationship. Use it or lose it.

My Guy Dale

Last week I had mother-daughter date night with my daughter Lisa, usually dinner (with catch up conversation) and then a movie. This week it was Eat, Pray, Love. I thought the movie was so-so but it was the trailer for an upcoming romantic comedy that got me thinking. It posed the question how do you know you’re in love. I can’t answer that question for everyone, but here’s my story.

I knew I was for-sure in love when I came home late one night to discover that my sweetheart Dale had stopped by to wheel my trash cans to the curb. Dale is a guy who had done everything right from the get-go. Two days before our first date he called to say he was looking forward to it. The morning after our first date he called to say he had a great time and hoped we could do it again. He was the first to use the word “love” in a sentence that referred to me. And if that’s not enough, he was a great cook and for someone like me, who lived on microwaved baked potatoes, that was a deal clincher. Yep, he was a keeper. Or was he?

Oh, I was in love all right but, truthfully, that realization scared me to death because then I had to think about the bigger question—was I in love with the right person. Love, as I had so painfully learned, was not enough. I had been in love before. I was divorced. And it wasn’t just marriage I’d gotten wrong. More than once Mr. Right had turned out to be Mr. Oh-So-Wrong, My relationship self-confidence was 2 on a scale of 1-to-10. I wanted to get it right this time but so shattered was my self-confidence, that I came very close to simply assuming I was wrong this time, too, no matter how effectively he had swept me off my feet. As time went on and I fell more deeply in love with Dale, I asked myself time and again, how can I know if he is “the one.” I thought back to the committed relationships that had gone wrong and asked myself if I’d missed any don’t-do-this cues. I had. I realized that each time I had committed myself to a relationship that didn’t work, I had ignored those little voices that, had I listened and trusted rather than rationalized away, would have protected me. Those cautionary voices—my intuition—had always been right. Hmmm . . . was I onto to something? Yes, indeed.

Turns out that scientific studies prove there’s a lot to this intuition stuff but I didn’t know it at the time. All I knew then was that in every situation where my intuition had spoken, I had ignored it. I rationalized my gut feelings away and convinced myself that everything was super peachy keen. This time, however, I invited those little voices to speak up. “Come on,” I said out loud, “talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong with this picture.” Nothing. Silence. “No, really,” I begged, “talk to me.” Again, silence. Well, whaddya know? There were no little voices telling me to run and run fast. Every bit of me—my brain, my heart, and most importantly my intuition—said, “Go for it!”

That was 14 years ago and I’ve never had a moment’s regret. Dale and I are now happily married and I can’t envision life without him. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend. Her intuition is her best friend. If you want to know if he’s Mr. Right, don’t over-think it. You’ll end up exhausted and confused. Sit quietly and ask your intuition to talk to you. Listen carefully. And trust those little voices. They don’t lie.

Would you marry you? If you were/are single, are you the kind of person you’d be looking for and want to hook up with?

Sure, we all want a partner who is our version of the Perfect 10. But truth be told, we cross our fingers that said Perfect 10 will settle for a Strong 7 and overlook a few of our less than perfect traits. When you’re dating and doing your best to impress the object of your affection, you’ve got a couple of things working for you: (1) your sweetheart is blinded by falling-in-love hormones, and (2) you’re on your best behavior. You’ll never seem more like a Perfect 10 than in those too-short falling-in-love days.

Unfortunately, being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach—you can’t do it forever. The more comfortable you are in the relationship, the more likely you are to slide from a Perfect 10 to an Almost Perfect 9 to a Slightly Flawed 8 until you become the “real you.” It isn’t always pretty. Worse, at just about the same time you’ve become the “real you,” those falling-in-love hormones ease up so your sweetheart can see you (and all your flaws) more realistically.

Step outside yourself for a moment and then turn a critical eye in your direction.

Start with the outside. Do you take pride in your appearance? Are you carrying a few extra pounds? Are you in ratty old clothes more often than not? If your personal grooming and pride in your appearance have slacked off, there’s a good chance your partner’s assessment of your “perfection” has gone backwards a notch or two. Your sweetie may not have said a word but—and you can bank on this—your sweetheart has noticed.

Now, take a look at the inside. Do you like what you see and are you proud of you? Or, do you secretly agree with Woody Allen that you wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have you as a member?

Low self-esteem is a major cause of relationship failure. A person with low self-esteem has difficulty seeing issues clearly, often hears criticism where there is none, suffers from jealousy, is afraid to communicate openly and honestly, feels at fault for problems that arise in the relationship, and may be needy and dependent. People with low self-esteem often compensate by being overly critical of others, defensive, and self-protective. If you see yourself anywhere in that description, it’s time (perhaps past time) to do some work on you. The closer you are to the kind of person you’d want to marry, the better partner you’ll be. The better partner you are, the better relationship you’ll have.

Do you treat your sweetheart as you want to be treated? Yep, it’s that Golden Rule thing. If you want your sweetie to greet you with a smile, if you want your partner to respect your feelings, privacy, and opinions, if you want your honey to be respectful, and so on and so on, then you know what to do.

Are you as interesting as you’d like your partner to be? As charitable? As understanding, kind, and thoughtful? Does thinking about your answer to the mirror-mirror-on-the-wall question—would you marry you—make you squirm a bit?

If you have been able to identify any reason why you wouldn’t marry you, you now know what you need to work on to be a better partner.

Okay, I’m going to be honest. This is not an entirely original idea. It was inspired by Brenda and Gill, the most clever couple I’ve ever met when it comes to keeping things playful and spicy. For example, they’re fond of having candlelit black tie dinners for two and they each wear nothing but a black tie. They might spend Saturday night in a fiercely fought game of strip poker or bikini Twister. Yep, they like to to get naked which, as you might imagine, leads to the boudoir, which leads me to the point of this article.

In today’s economy, we all need to save and most of us have less do-re-mi to spend on a night on the town, let alone a weekend getaway. As a result, a couple’s date night too often involves a remote control and, before you know it, you’re in that rut you said you’d never fall into. So, try this on for size . . .

Put a decorative bag or box in the bedroom and every time you have sex, throw money in it. Pick an amount based on your economic ability and set a savings goal. Brenda and Gill wanted to go to Hawaii and, at the time (which was before this economic crunch) they could each afford $20 with every occasion of conjugal bliss. What’s more, they gave tips for exceptional performance and multiple Big O’s! It took them less than a year to earn that trip. And, I swear, I never saw them without a smile on their faces which leads to the next point.

More sex can be good for your bank account and it’s definitely good for your relationship and your health. This is a time in history when fear of job loss, worries about economic security, and everything from wars to oil spills to global warming to you name it, can lead to down-in-the-dumps lethargy or even full-on depression. Having sex is the antidote. Sex stimulates feel-good hormones and helps you stay in your happy place despite the economy. It relieves stress and who among us can’t use a little stress relief? It helps keep your immunity in tiptop shape. It increases and helps you sustain emotional intimacy. Now, more than ever, we all need feel-good hormones, to be in our happy place, to have less stress, be healthier, and have greater emotional intimacy. And who can’t use a bigger bank account?

Open your Sex Savings Account and start making deposits today. It doesn’t matter whether you toss in twenty bucks or a quarter. Make it within your economic reach, set a goal, and see how quickly you can get there. Next time you’re tempted to splurge on a fattening Starbucks coffee, think about adding to your Sex Savings Account instead. Rather than buy lunch, pack a brown bag and use the savings for a deposit to your Sex Savings Account. With a little thought you’ll come up with dozens of ways to spend less on stuff you don’t need and put more into your Sex Savings Account. You’ll have more money. You’ll feel better. You’ll smile more. And, you’ll be closer than ever to each other. Pretty cool, huh?

There are plenty of so-called truisms out there, all designed to make us “okay” with things that aren’t “okay.” For example, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  We all know that’s baloney. Words can hurt like hell.

And how about this one: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This truism has been readily debunked by the medical profession. Simply put, if you don’t know your tapioca pudding is laced with rat poison, having dessert will definitely hurt—if not kill—you.

It’s in the context of relationships where this truism is far too often heard and used as justification for bad behavior. If your sweetheart never knows you’re having an affair, no harm done, right? Wrong! Living with a big fat secret means there’s a big fat part of you that you can’t share with your partner. That big fat secret is the source of emotional distance from your partner and what will keep you from being 100% present in your relationship. In short, it’s what YOU know—and what you must forever keep from your sweetie—that hurts your relationship and, thus, your partner. Your sweetheart may never know about your infidelity and may never realize that he or she doesn’t have all of you, but don’t think for one minute that just because “ignorance is bliss” that you haven’t taken away what should have been given to your partner.

Now, if you’ve already done the deed and mended your ways, then “let sleeping dogs lie” because “confession is good for the soul” but sucks if you’re on the wrong end of that confession. Going forward, just remember that if you surrender to temptation, you will forever shut down a part of you that should be shared with your sweetheart.

I’m not suggesting that you can’t have your secrets or your privacy. It’s not critical that you share every little detail of your past or present life with your partner. A juvenile marijuana arrest may be so far in the past as to be currently irrelevant. Your current cocaine use is another story. That you once gambled away thousands of dollars in a drunken stupor may be an embarrassment you never share. Secretly spending every lunch hour at the track after a quick stop at the ATM is another story.

When you behave in ways that you hope your sweetheart never learns about, you put emotional distance between you and your partner. Worrying that your partner will discover the truth creates stress and anxiety that get in the way of your being a 100% present and loving partner. That hurts you. It hurts your relationship. It hurts your sweetheart.

Acting with integrity, living an open life, and behaving only in ways that are okay for your sweetheart to observe allows you to give yourself fully to your partner and to be fully present in your relationship. Emotional intimacy is the hallmark of a great relationship and what sustains a couple through the rough patches. Doing anything that causes distance or interferes with emotional intimacy hurts everyone involved. So, the next time you’re tempted to do something that if “kept secret” won’t hurt, think again.

It was in grade school math that I first learned about reducing fractions to their lowest common denominator. I hated math. Still do. But, I’ve learned that “reducing to the lowest common denominator” is a great term for describing how, in human interaction, we “sink” to the most basic, least sophisticated level of those with whom we are engaging. If you’ve ever argued with a child, you know what I mean. Before you realize it, you’re on that kid’s level.

We all behave badly at times. We get angry and lash out, we are disappointed and have a meltdown, or we’re just grumpy for no apparent reason. When it comes to our primary relationship, the tendency to “reduce to the lowest common denominator” often results in the other partner mirroring bad behavior. The results are never pretty. Example:

Matt was responsible for preparing a complicated bid on a job for his engineering firm. An ill secretary and a finicky Internet connection were the tip of the what-went-wrong iceberg. With minutes to spare, Matt hit “send” on the email that submitted the bid. He left exhausted and cranky. Lila, who had a day of meetings, had that morning asked Matt to pick up dinner. He did. As he walked from the garage to the back door, the food bag broke. The potato salad container burst on contact. The roasted chicken popped out of its box and rolled under a hedge. Lila heard Matt’s expletive, she rushed to the door, and asked, “What happened?”

Matt snapped. “What happened?” he yelled. “I dropped dinner. The perfect end to a totally miserable day.”

“Why are you yelling at me? It’s not my fault,” Lila knee-jerk responded.

“If you hadn’t insisted I get dinner, this wouldn’t have happened,” he knee-jerk (albeit irrationally) responded back.

“So it IS my fault,” she shouted and stormed into the house, leaving Matt to clean up the mess.

Things go wrong—usually at the worst possible time. The oven malfunctions, the appetizer burns, and your snooty in-laws will arrive any minute to a smoke-filled house. The TV with the gi-normous screen you’ve been bragging about goes on the fritz moments before kickoff, and 22 of your buddies will miss the game of the century. As you’re leaving for your sister’s wedding the baby throws up on the perfect silk dress you shopped for months to find. The flight is cancelled and you’re late getting home from the business trip you didn’t want to take, causing you to miss your own birthday party. Few of us handle these moments with the poise and equanimity of a mature adult. Nope—at such moments, we’re sure there’s a cosmic conspiracy to ruin our life and, thus, a meltdown is justified.

What’s more, when our partner does or says something that hurts our feelings, angers, or disappoints, the natural tendency is to sulk or lash out. Our partner “reduces to the lowest common denominator” and, before you know it, you’re in an argument where words you’ll later regret are said.

Bad behavior is usually the manifestation of an underlying emotion. Jack wasn’t really blaming Lila for his bad day, he was just expressing his frustration. A meltdown is an expression of disappointment at things not turning out as hoped. Sulking and verbal attacks on our partner usually stem from hurt feelings.

While there may be no valid excuse for bad behavior, especially when taken out on our sweetheart, who among us hasn’t gone there. When it happens, the smart partner looks beyond the behavior and responds to the underlying emotion. By doing so, you avoid “reducing to the lowest common denominator,” help your sweetheart return to the world of sanity and reasonableness, and, most importantly, avoid damaging arguments.

One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all, you’ll have so much to talk about.  Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food.  We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel.  We also have a very fundamental difference.  I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type.  In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship.  Rewind the tape back to when we were first dating and on our way to an early evening BBQ.  I was contributing the salad and we were running late.  As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside.  It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful.  After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time.  That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life.  Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes.  While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful.  My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.   Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way.  Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered.  Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue.  Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time.  I win.  He wins.  Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

You’ve no doubt experienced the disappointment of giving a gift that’s met with a lukewarm reception. Gift giving can be treacherous ground but you’ll have far greater success and pick up tons of Frequent Foreplay Miles if, before you whip out your credit card, you ask yourself these questions:

Does your sweetheart prefer things or experiences? I could surprise my sweetheart with a Porsche and he’d say, “Why? I already have a car.”  Never mind that his car is old and boring—it runs and that’s enough for him. He would, however, be ecstatic with tickets for an African safari. My guy isn’t about stuff. But he’ll jump at the chance to take in the opera, sky dive, white water raft, see a mountain for the first time, experience a new restaurant, climb a glacier, or float in a hot air balloon. Some people prefer things they can touch and see long after the gift was received; others prefer memories.

Is your sweetheart sentimental (and romantic) or practical (and not so romantic)? I have a girlfriend who thinks flowers are a waste of money and is tickled pink with a new toaster oven. My uncle thinks the latest and greatest screwdriver is the coolest gift ever. Others would be crushed to receive a toaster oven or a screwdriver no matter how needed or state-of-the art it may be.

What are your sweetheart’s special interests? My friend Larry loves everything trains. I love photography. My sweetheart is a classical musician and history buff. My daughter is a volleyball fanatic. I have a friend who has knitting needles in her hands 90% of her waking hours; her husband is into extreme sports. Just about everybody has something they’re especially interested in or enjoy doing.

What’s the occasion? Is it an “us” occasion such as an anniversary? Just because? A red letter day for your sweetheart? Regardless, every gift should be relevant and proportionate to the occasion (but always within your budget). Here are some examples:

• It’s your girlfriend’s birthday. She prefers experiences. She’s sentimental.  Plan an experience that will have sentimental value that, if possible, incorporates her interests: a trip to her hometown to see family she’s missing and have a family portrait made…tickets to the opera, and a corsage she can press and save…dinner with friends where she can show off the birthstone ring you slip on her finger as you’re walking out the door. If it’s a decade birthday, step it up and go the extra mile to make it an event that she will remember and cherish forever.
• Your husband hit a career milestone. He prefers things, is practical, and enjoys modern art. Memorialize the event in a tangible way: have a congratulatory ad published in the local newspaper and have it framed…select a piece of art for his office and attach a congratulatory note on the back…buy him a new suit and take him to the newest exhibit at the local art museum. If it’s a really BIG milestone, make it the Musée d’Orsay in Paris!
• It’s the anniversary of your wedding, first date, or other special day. The best “us” gift is something you will both enjoy doing and/or having. If you have different preferences, you’ll need to be a little more creative. For example, you might select a martini shaker, glasses and a book of martini recipes. There’s something tangible for the “thing” person and for the “experience” person there’s the fun of working your way from Apple Martini to Wasabi Martini or, perhaps, a martini party with good friends. Again, if this is a significant anniversary, step it up and make it truly memorable.
• You feel like doing something special for your sweetie. By now you’ve got the drill down. All I’ll say about “just because” gifts is that small is often the best, just a simple reminder that you’re thinking about the one you love.

Bottom line: the perfect gift reflects who and what your sweetie is and shows that you gave it more than passing thought.