Penn and New Squeeze

Is it just me? Or am I justifiably appalled by both Sean Penn and Jon Gosselin. I mean, come on, these guys loved Robin and Kate enough to marry them and have children with them. But within no time of having split the blanket,  they’re each squiring a replacement. I’ve been divorced. I get it. You move on. But if you have any decency, you  show respect for your ex and especially for your children. You let the sheets cool. I don’t even want to start on Jon Gosselin. Okay, too late, I’m started. What are his children to think when they learn (if they haven’t already) that daddy is saying  horrible things about mommy to the whole world. I detest her!?!!!! Jon, I take you at your word. You detest Kate. My question is this: Do you hate Kate more than you love your children? If so, keep it up, buddy. But if you love your kids as you should, zip it up. Grow up. You were man enough to father eight children, now be man enough to be a good father even in, no especially in, the face of a public divorce.

During the 20 years I practiced law, I refused to do domestic work. This is exactly why. I cannot (and don’t want to be) indifferent to parents who making hurting the ex more important than the welfare of their children. I practice what I preach. When my daughter’s father and I split, I made certain that he and she had a relationship. She was only two. It would have been easy to push him out of the picture. But because I love my daughter, I made sure she knew her father. Six years ago, he and I walked her down the aisle. I did the right thing. Marriage may end, parenting doesn’t.

So, Sean and Jon, regardless of what you may feel for your soon-to-be-exes, think of your kids. Now, more than ever, they need you to be stand-up guys.

Holding hands, but not looking happy.

Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn are once again in the California divorce system. That state has “no fault” divorce, though I think maybe it should be called “everyone’s at fault and there’s plenty of it to go around” divorce. Whatever. Point is, all you have to do is say you have irreconcilable differences and that’s the end of the story, at least as far as the judge is concerned. When I read the news blurb about the off-again Penn marriage, I wondered just what “differences” they have that are incapable of being “reconciled” such that their 20-year togetherness is kaput.

Seems to me that every couple has gazillions of differences they “reconcile” every day.  He’s a dog person, she’s a cat person. He loves eggplant, it makes her gag. She’s crazy about opera, he’s a heavy metal freak. He loves to camp, she’s afraid of bugs. His favorite TV show is demolition derby, hers is Days of our Lives. She loves to scrapbook, he’s into chain saw art. Differences. They make us interesting. And, they sometimes challenge us. She’s Catholic, he’s Jewish—how do you raise the kids? He’s believes in spanking, she doesn’t—how do you discipline the kids? She likes to travel, he’s a homebody—how do you spend vacation time? Challenging, yes. Irreconcilable, no.

So at what point do differences really become irreconcilable?  I think it’s the moment when you run out of the energy and desire it takes to do the hard work. There are times when you simply can’t do more, don’t want to do more, and just want out. I get it. I’ve been there. But let’s call a spade a spade, okay? Except in limited situations, e.g., where one  refuses to stop smacking the other one around or refuses to give up side nooky, when a couple splits based on “irreconcilable differences” it really means they simply gave up. Maybe this a distinction without a difference, I dunno. But I’m thinking that maybe more couples would go that extra mile to work it all out if, when contemplating divorce, they ask themselves, “Are our differences really irreconcilable, or are we quitting?” In my book, it’s okay to quit—no judgment from this quarter—but not to pretend that you’re movin’ on because your differences cannot be reconciled.

As for Robin and Sean, I wish them the best.