Honey, where are you?

Back when Dale and I were first spending nights together at my home, I gave him the guest bath to use. One morning, as we were getting up to prepare for our day, he asked, “Can we shower at the same time?” I said, “Sure!” and headed off to my shower, hopped in, got the temperature just right, and was ready for sexy, sudsy, morning delight. About the time I began to wonder where he was, my water went ice cold and I learned, up close and personal, just how effective a cold shower can be while he happily showered in the guest bath with the warm water diverted from my shower.

What Dale meant was, “Can we run both showers at the same time?” What I heard was, “Can we shower together?” George Barnard Shaw sure got it right when he said, “The problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Dale and I had a good laugh about what happened, but it gave me pause to wonder how many times were we under the illusion that communication had taken place when, in truth, it had not.

It happens in all relationships—you just flat out misunderstand the simplest of communications. And as if that weren’t enough of a problem, we all have filters through which we hear things.  If Joe observes, “The rice is salty,” and Sally hears, “You’re a terrible cook,” she’s interpreting his statement-of-fact comment through her low self-esteem filter to hear criticism that’s not there. It’s this filtering that leads to unexpressed grudges and resentment as well as arguments that start something like this:

“You said [fill in the blank].”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“No, I didn’t!”
“Well, in so many words you did!”

When you find yourself tweaked over something your sweetheart said, be absolutely certain—before you blow a gasket—that you’re not under the illusion that communication has taken place when it hasn’t. If you find yourself doing an in-so-many-words analysis of something your sweetheart says, there’s a darned good chance you’re misinterpreting through a distortion-causing filter. When, as a result of something your partner says, you feel angry or hurt, use those emotions as teaching moments, opportunities to discover filters that need to be tossed out.

In the example given above, if Sally often hears criticism in what Joe says, it’s possible that he really is critical. It’s also very possible that Sally needs to work on her self-esteem so she can stop hearing nonexistent criticism.

If you believe that your partner loves you, then don’t assume the worst. Try always to interpret your sweetie’s words in a light most favorable to him or her. When you can’t, ask for clarification BEFORE you lash out. We communicate with our partner all day long, everything from see-you-later good-byes to we-need-to-talk thorny issues. What I learned from my cold shower is that even the simplest communication can be misunderstood. Be careful in what you say AND be especially careful in what you hear.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

I have years of conflict resolution under my belt. In my prior life, as an estate attorney, I watched families nearly come to blows over who would get the beaten-up old armoire, and I’ve seen others peacefully divide diamonds and fortunes. Those who learned how to handle day-to-day conflicts are definitely better at the really big issues that life inevitably throws at all of us.

Handling conflict with ease is a skill worth developing, especially in our marriages. In a way, conflict resolution is like a dance. It requires both partners to know the steps and to execute them properly. And, just as you can learn to dance, you can learn conflict resolution. In dance, you start with the good old four-point box step, then build on that to learn the more complicated moves, like the tango—a dance in which no one is the leader all the time, you take turns. Good point. In conflict resolution, you have to be willing and able to step up and step away from the “lead.” In other words, successful conflict resolution requires that both partners be willing to “lose” and to let the other guy “win.” If you insist on always getting your way, you’ll soon be dancing alone. And if you don’t stand up for yourself, you’ll constantly have sore toes from having them stepped on.

If you’re tired of daily arguing and bickering, here’s my suggestion: invite your partner to dance. Agree on the basic steps: speak and listen. Easily said, not always easily learned. If necessary, get a dance instructor—a relationship coach—to help you. Without the basic steps—the ability to honestly and calmly say what’s on your mind, to appropriately stand up for yourself, to really listen and hear and to let go of a stubborn need to win—you’ll never learn the conflict resolution dance.

Start by practicing on the garden variety, day-to-day stuff. It should go without saying that the first step in minimizing conflict is don’t create it. It’s not necessary to get your undies in a knot over every little thing. When, however, there is genuine conflict, start with the following:

• If you usually acquiesce to whatever it is your partner wants, just to avoid the argument (and in so doing, build a mountain-high pile of resentment), stop! Resist the urge to give in, listen to what your partner is really saying and then share your own thoughts and ideas. The more you do this, the easier it will get.
• If you usually push and pull until you get your way, stop! Say what’s on your mind, calmly and honestly, and then encourage your partner to do the same. The more you practice self-restraint, the easier it will get.

Don’t worry about making someone right and the other wrong. Let go of the concept of “winning” and “losing.” This is an exercise in avoiding that. The idea is to build a new comfort level with the little things, to learn a new way of communicating and a back-and-forth dance that leaves room for each of you to move. If you master sharing your needs honestly and hearing each other—without criticism or excuses being the first language you turn to—you’ll be better able to handle the tougher issues that we all face.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

Get your download of Shela’s best-sellling book at no cost by signing up for her Everyday Foreplay Tips. http://EverydayForeplay.com

Making a list and checking it twice.  Sadly, most of the lists we create aren’t the type that end in a pile of gifts wrapped in silver and gold.  When it comes to our relationship, they’re usually honey-do lists, or worse, a long mental list of grudges and annoyances we carry around like a bag of rocks. And to make matters worse, as most of us know, it’s really easy to fall into a relationship rut, even without realizing, and end up with roll-your-eyes annoyed or shrug-your-shoulders boredom as your constant companions.

Yep, before you know it, you and your can’t-live-without honey find yourselves sitting in front of the TV nine days out of ten and only really talking to one another when something goes wrong.  Why is that?  Don’t we want to connect to our lovers as more than housemates and business partners?  Have we just forgotten how to connect over anything that isn’t an “issue?” Of course not. We just need to be more diligent about seizing the opportunities to be together.

I am a huge proponent of actually getting out and doing fun and silly things together.  I think all relationships should find outside interests to do as a couple (and individually) to keep you interested—and interesting. Take a course, shoot pool, play tennis, go bird watching … the list is honestly endless. So get out your calendars and plan some dates. Just for the fun of it though, right in this very moment, I thought I’d give you a new twist on an old game to help you connect with your honey over something whimsical. So grab a nice bottle of something interesting this evening, and instead of the same old TV shows, try this new twist on a good old-fashioned game of Sexy Mad Libs. Take turns answering and have fun filling in the blanks!

#1. I would like you to _________________ my ____________________. (If you said “wash” and “car,” you really are in a rut. Come on, get with the program here!)

#2. My favorite words to hear from you are _________________________.

#3. I wish you would ______________________________.

#4. My favorite memory of us is when we __________________________.

#5. It drives me crazy, in a good way, when you ___________________.

#6. My biggest secret turn on is _______________________________________________.

Okay, now that you’ve filled out your Mad Libs, take action and deliver on what your sweetie wrote down. You’ll be out of your rut, at least for a little while and that’s a very good thing.

Take the time to play. It’s fun and if you end up laughing until you cry, that’s a bull’s eye. Laughter truly is the antidote to boredom, anger, grudges and resentment. Tap into your Inner B Type! Stop to smell the roses, to play a few games, and to enjoy your sweetie for no particular reason whatsoever. You feel more connected and a lot less bored. 

So whaddya say? Go ahead. Roll the dice, collect the money from free parking, pass GO and land in jail, yell bingo, break the bank. There are more times than not when life really can be fun and games.

With love, Shela Dean
Relationship Coach and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

Get your download of Shela’s best-sellling book at no cost by signing up for her Everyday Foreplay Tips.  http://EverydayForeplay.com

Dating isn't something you do, it's a mindset.

You’ve heard it said that familiarity breeds contempt. Taken literally, that means the better you know someone, the more contempt you’ll feel for that person. I dunno.  I know my husband really, really well and I’m not contemptuous of him at all.  I think, however, that in a relationship, familiarity can breed boredom and laziness.

Nobody knows for sure what causes the first spark of attraction to fly. What we do know is that once the spark flies, your brain goes into overdrive. It oozes a hormone cocktail that has the same affect as cocaine. Really. That’s why new love is so seductively intoxicating, why you can’t think of anything else, and the air is alive with the snap, crackle ‘n pop of sexual energy. You’re quite literally high on your own hormones. It’s the best feeling ever. We never want it to end.

We like that feeling so much that we’re afraid it’ll slip through our fingers. So, we do everything within our power to “secure” the relationship and in so doing unwittingly destroy the very thing we hope to capture forever. Here’s why:

Dating and falling in love is a phase in the continuum of a long-term relationship that has exactly the opposite attributes of a marriage. What we love (and crave) about that phase is the adrenalin rush, the excitement, the spontaneity, the edginess of being vulnerable and emotionally at risk, the mind-blowing desire for the object of our obsession.  What we want in marriage is safety, security, predictability and routine. Do you see the problem?

Sure, you read somewhere that it’s a good idea for married folk to have date night as a way to keep the sparks flying. So, you have an occasional (or regular) night out. You do your best to tune out distractions, focus on each other, and spend quality time before returning to reality. That’s a good thing—well, at least it’s better than nothing. But here’s the deal: you can go on 50, 500 or even 5,000 “great dates” that include everything from an intimate home picnic to a Paris junket and still be left wondering what happened to that indescribably delicious feeling you had back when you were 24/7 dating. So let’s not confuse an intermittent dinner-and-movie date night with “dating.” Dating isn’t a thing you do from time to time. Dating is a mindset coupled with behavior.

When you were dating you were eager to impress and to please. You put your best foot forward. You were generous, attentive, and quickly stepped up to any plate. Of course you did, you were doing your best to win the heart of your beloved. Once you won that heart, sealed the deal with a ring, and were secure in the relationship, what happened? You stopped putting your best foot forward so that your less attractive attributes showed up. You weren’t quite as eager to please or impress. You got lazy and complacent.

If you want to keep the spark alive, then adopt a dating mindset. Treat your spouse the same as you did when you weren’t so sure that he or she was part of your happily ever after. Be eager to please and impress. Be attentive, generous and quick to step up to the plate. If you don’t, then the end of your story may be just the opposite of what you hoped back when you were falling in love. Oh, and while you’re at it, as the married-you, be just as creative in the romance department as you were when you were the dating-you!

Today is a great day for a last minute play-hooky-date with your sweetie, to hit the snooze button and snuggle under the blanket.  Too late?  Already at work when you stole the three minutes to read this?  Even better. You can plan to “steal” tomorrow and make it special with a little prep that you can do tonight.  Time with your honey to do nothing but enjoy each other, even in the silences—well, it just doesn’t get any better than that.

Time. It’s a limited commodity. You can’t buy more, and despite popular belief and a million multi-tasking tips, you can’t even save it.  Like an insistent river, it flows past whether we’re with our sweetie or not. All you can do is choose how to use what you’ve got.  So why not claim a day of YOUR time and spend it enjoying your honey, as warm and loving as you possibly can.  If you have children, get them off to school, close the door, and then languish in bed doing whatever comes to mind whether that’s wild, out-of-the-box love making, opening the newspaper and passing pieces back and forth over croissants and coffee, or watching old movies. Heck, you’ve got all day so do it all!

To make this day as rejuvenating as possible, here are a few rules:

Rule #1. This is not a day to deal with issues. it’s a day just to be quietly together.  Save the “issues” and worries for another day, they’ll still be there, I promise, but you’ll have renewed energy to deal with them. No criticism of any kind.  This is a time to rejuvenate and enjoy one another.  There’s no faster buzz-kill than a put down, no matter how well intentioned.

Rule #2. Turn off all social media, cell phones, laptops, and consider putting a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the front door to keep nosy neighbors from dropping by.

Rule #3. Set the stage for a great stay-at-home date.  Change the sheets and fluff the pillows.  Put on something comfy but sexy and have the fridge stocked with some favorite, lick-your-lips-delicious treats. Love champagne? Treat yourselves to fresh-squeezed OJ for mouth-watering mimosas.  Find shrimp cocktail irresistible?  Prepare everything the night before and add the chilled shrimp when you’re ready to serve.  Just remember, whatever you prepare, keep it simple. Sneak a fabulous bar of gourmet chocolate into both nightstands beside your bed.  Surprise your honey with a “cover your eyes and open your mouth” square of Ghirardelli or Godiva.

The bottom line is this: ask anybody whose life is nearing its end what they wish for more than anything, and the answer will never be more time to work at a desk or in the yard.  There’s nothing more important in this life than making time (well, we don’t really “make” time, so let’s say taking time) to spend, undistracted, with those we love.  It’s one sure way to rejuvenate your relationship and remain connected.

Play hooky. Call in sick.  Love sick.

There’s a split among experts about whether the kids or the relationship should come first. Frankly, I think putting your relationship first is putting your kids first. Why? Because if you want your children to grow up and have healthy, well-balanced relationships, a fulfilling sex-life, and a good sense of self, it starts with you setting the example.

It’s a parent’s #1 obligation to teach their children how to be happy, well-balanced, confident adults and very little else matters. I now have a grown child but I remember telling her, as she was growing up, that it was her job to move evolution in a forward direction, that she was to emulate my good points and ignore the rest. But I also knew that my words are secondary to my actions. E.g., I’m not a cook and have no interest in culinary arts. It occurred to me when my daughter was a young adult that I had never taught her so much as how to boil water, let alone whip up a souffe. Because my mother had taught me how to cook, I felt that I should have done the same. So I bought her a cookbook and wrote the following inscription: “Dear Lisa, I thought it was time I taught you how to cook. Read this. Love, Mom.” I don’t think she ever did. Like her mom, she may not be a whiz in the kitchen but, guess what? She’s happy. She’s self-confident. She’s self-sufficient and independent. She may not be able to fry an egg, but I did my job.

I was chronologically young when my daughter was born—just barely 22—and emotionally much younger. My growing-up legacy was one of self-doubt, poor self-esteem, lack of confidence, and a belief that I wasn’t worthy of the good things in life. I married the first guy dumb enough to ask me and, of course, that marriage didn’t last beyond Lisa’s second birthday. But I believed then that it was my job as Lisa’s mother to be the healthy, happy person I am today. That journey was long and arduous but my daughter watched and learned. You see, it doesn’t matter that I was a mess when she was born. What matters is that I morphed from mess to healthy. It doesn’t matter that it took me many years and that I’m still working on it. What matters is that I did it openly and within her view, teaching her one of life’s most valuable lessons. I’m proud of that.

You love your kids. You want more than anything for them to grow up to be happy, healthy, self-assured adults capable of forming happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. Love them enough to teach by example. Even if you’re a mess, even if your relationship is on the rocks, even if you’ve spent years giving your kids the wrong message, even if you think there’s little to no hope of turning things around, give it your best shot. Your kids, no matter what their age, will be watching and learning.f

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach and Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

Dating. That magic combination of time well spent, shared activity, and head-over-heels companionship with someone you genuinely adore being with. Remember that experience? I’ve been writing about dating lately. Why? Because it works! But, I realize that you’ve only been getting my thoughts and musings on the perfect Saturday-night soiree or TGIF excursion. So I’ve asked others to share their BEST date stories with me. If you’d like to participate in that discussion, connect with me on Linkedin at http://Linkedin.com/in/ShelaDean and check out my most recently posted question on the Q&A board (hurry though, the question closes this weekend).

As you can probably imagine, the answers have run the gamut—from amazing first-person accounts of life-changing, leave-you-breathless moments, to disappointments in dating, to distaste for dating altogether.

What I’d like to do is give the chance to those in long-term relationships to recapture some of the magic that was first felt when everything was shiny and new. So that’s my next question and the inspiration for my March Giveaway. Share what you do to create (or recreate) those “once” in a lifetime experiences—whether it be a picnic on a bench in the park, sharing an ice cream cone on a nice spring evening, a trip, a stay-at-home date, or a night at the Waldorf Astoria. I’ll pick a winner (completely up to my personal discretion) and happily send you an autographed copy of my book, Frequent Foreplay Miles, and a $25 gift card to put towards your next great.

For all the runners up, I’ll send you a link to download my book for free to help you step up your game!

How to enter.  Okay, you can connect with me on Linkedin and reply to my inbox (http://linkedin.com/in/sheladean) or you can join my Facebook Group and post on the discussion called “How do you Recapture the Romance?” I want to hear all about the best date you and your sweetheart ever had.

And, remember this when you’re planning your next date. In the Frequent Foreplay Miles world, you think of pleasing your partner first. What does your sweetheart enjoy? What foods? What movies? What activities? If you’re an action nut, but your sweetie is all about romantic comedy, enjoy the experience by watching your honey enjoy the film. Your turn will come. Taking the time to really listen and put your partner first is how you create memorable experiences for both of you. And it’s how you rack up tons of Frequent Foreplay Miles!

With Love, Shela Dean

The enemy of a great relationship is complacency. It begins so innocently. You forget how attractive, funny or caring your honey is because you’re together all the time. You get wrapped up in your “stuff” and forget to do the little, day-to-day things that make your sweetheart aware of your love. You forget how good life feels because you picked someone amazing and the lottery win of being picked back. Before you know it, you reach the relationship expiration date— the day one of you wakes up and thinks, “What am I doing here?”

The antidote to complacency is dating. Unfortunately, many couples stop dating once the deal is struck. Continuing to date after marriage or committing to a life partnership, however, is critical to keeping the ooh-la-la factor alive IF you do it right. Here’s how:

Set the stage for a great date long before the date begins. Not every date has to end in sex, but it’s sure nice when it does! After all, you already know you’re going home to the same bedroom. As I tell my audiences and the couples I coach, foreplay is all day, everyday. It does not begin when her warm body slides up next to his. It begins at breakfast and continues throughout the day. It’s the small gestures, the acts of kindness, the thoughtful, sweet and loving things you do that warm things up emotionally. You see, for great sex you need to stimulate two vital organs—the brain and the heart. Once that happens, you’re ready for the other kind of foreplay! Oh, and don’t forget the good night kiss at the door or a little make-out session in the car. Just because you’re crossing the threshold together doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a little spice-it-up time before you do.

Dress the part. Flash back time: remember how you used to prepare for a date with each other? Ladies, you thought all day about what to wear, you were flossed and glossed gorgeous, smelled heavenly, and felt sassy. Guys, you were showered and shaved, smelled great, wore nice clothes, and had the car washed. Do it again. Get dressed up for each other! Lookin’ hot casts a magic spell of deliciousness.

Find a quiet space. Dating your mate is so much more than dinner, the same old conversation, and a movie where you can’t talk at all. It’s about being together. You need to turn off the noise so you can turn on one another. Sometimes that means literally going to a quiet place where you can hear each other—an intimate restaurant, a bench by the ocean, or even the back seat of your car. And, it always means turning off the noise in your head and paying attention to your sweetie whether you’re talking ‘til dawn or dancing ‘til dawn.

Leave the grind behind. Nix the crap you usually talk about—this is not the time to talk about your kid’s grades, the jerk at work, or the home repairs that need to be done. This is the time to talk about the stuff you used to talk about when you were first dating. If necessary, plan ahead by making a list of topics. Be an attentive listener. Ask questions. A nod of your head, the touch of your hand, laughter or a smile, show that you are fully engaged and present. The best conversations, the ones where you learn about your sweetheart (and sometimes about yourself), happen only when all the background static is silent.

Remember, this is a date. It’s your time to be fun, relaxed, flirty and sexy with the person you love and adore. Keep it sweet and don’t forget dessert!

Shela Dean is a Relationship Coach, Speaker and Amazon Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. She is also the author of the popular Everyday Foreplay blog. Subscribe today!

I’ve been thinking a lot about dating and how a relationship is so ooh-la-la hot those first few months we’re in them.  You know what I mean, that can’t-live-without-you-another-second obsession and the please-stop-talking-and-kiss-me passion. Recent research says that some of those reactions are totally beyond our control.  We call it chemistry. Like our heartbeat, simply existing without our input, there’s a release of hormones that create the “falling” in love sensation. Okay, maybe we are a bit out of control when we’re in the falling-in-love stage, but as the relationship continues to the being-in-love stage there are things we absolutely can control, e.g., paying attention to our mate.

You see, as anyone in a relationship for any length of time knows, it’s easy to get stuck in the rut you said you’d never fall into. Every relationship guru on the planet, including me, encourages committed couples to continue dating. But, it’s easy to see why dating takes a back seat to the daily demands of life. It doesn’t happen by magic. Nobody throws open Door #1 to reveal a weeklong trip to the Bahamas or even a simple romantic dinner for two.  It takes planning and imagination.

And, it takes money. True, a backyard picnic can provide more sidesplitting hilarity than a comedy show and a bubble bath for two can be sexier than a weekend away.  It’s all what you put into it. But, you can’t do stay-at-home dates all the time. You have to invest both time and money. Feel like there’s no room in the budget? I ask you …what’s more expensive: dating or divorce?

So, here’s what I want you to do. Let your imagination run wild and dream up some great dates. Don’t worry about what they cost. From the ideal, you can whittle away to what you can afford. Sit down with your sweetheart and put the dates on the calendar, one a month. Need a little help? You got it! Send me your ideas by email and I’ll help you plan a great date, tossing in a few ideas of my own.

Look, it’s simple. It you don’t make your relationship a priority, you’ll either lose it or drift apart. If you don’t date and work at keeping the spark alive, you run the risk of becoming really good friends who simply live together.  I love my friends but I don’t want my marriage to be comfort, complaints and coffee.  I want it to be all that and more—intimacy on every level.  That’s the bull’s eye

Here’s to you and to your sexy, steamy love affair.

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach and Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles

I recently met a friend for coffee. She shared that she’d been mad at her husband for a year.  A year???  Wow. It made me sad to think someone could be angry for so long and it also made me think about kissing and making up. All couples have arguments. Hubby Dale and I are no exception. We get irritated with each other but it doesn’t last long. We enjoy each other too much to stay angry. And, think of all the great makeup sex we’d miss!!!

Are you in the mad-for-too-long zone? Come on, you’re in a relationship—not a wrestling match. Go a round or two if you must but then get out of the ring, kiss and make up. If you’ve been angry too often or too long, read on:

#1. Kiss and Make Up. In my book, Frequent Foreplay Miles, I explain why couples so often butt heads, step on each other’s toes, and get their wires crossed. I also explain how to avoid those situations and how to heal the damages when they occur. We all want to “win” the fight. Unfortunately, what so many think of as “winning” is really losing. With Frequent Foreplay Miles you still get to keep score!  But instead of someone losing and someone winning, you both end up winners.

Frequent Foreplay Miles helps you see every interaction (even an argument) as an opportunity for building up, instead of breaking down. You’ll speak candidly and argue constructively, spin negatives into positives and embrace your differences rather than lash out futilely. You’ll learn to cherish each other again. Is it an overnight journey? Nope. Like every other journey it begins with one step. The first step is to just kiss and agree to make up. Steps 2 and 3 will get you on and keep you on the path to a great relationship.  

#2. Wake up to a new world. Some people say don’t go to bed angry.  While that may be a great theory, sometimes it’s just too difficult to reach that ideal, especially if you’ve been angry at your not-so-sweetie for a while.  How about don’t wake up angry instead?  Wake up to a new day.  Let yesterday be in yesterday.  Get up resolved to see your partner’s good qualities, the ones that made you love him or her in the first place. You can choose a different perspective. It’s not always easy, but it’s possible.

#3. Find a Relationship Coach – Even if it’s Just for You. A coach can help you with #2. If your partner won’t join you, go anyway. You’ll learn some great tools to rebuild your love affair and get on with the good life. The quickest way to change someone else’s behavior is to change your own. Coaching helps you be the best partner you can be and that goes a long towards having a great relationship. Don’t worry about your partner. Worry about yourself. Once your partner sees change in you, he or she will soon jump on the bandwagon.
Anger. By letting it go, you make room for the happiness I know you want.

Shela Dean