My Guy Dale

Last week I had mother-daughter date night with my daughter Lisa, usually dinner (with catch up conversation) and then a movie. This week it was Eat, Pray, Love. I thought the movie was so-so but it was the trailer for an upcoming romantic comedy that got me thinking. It posed the question how do you know you’re in love. I can’t answer that question for everyone, but here’s my story.

I knew I was for-sure in love when I came home late one night to discover that my sweetheart Dale had stopped by to wheel my trash cans to the curb. Dale is a guy who had done everything right from the get-go. Two days before our first date he called to say he was looking forward to it. The morning after our first date he called to say he had a great time and hoped we could do it again. He was the first to use the word “love” in a sentence that referred to me. And if that’s not enough, he was a great cook and for someone like me, who lived on microwaved baked potatoes, that was a deal clincher. Yep, he was a keeper. Or was he?

Oh, I was in love all right but, truthfully, that realization scared me to death because then I had to think about the bigger question—was I in love with the right person. Love, as I had so painfully learned, was not enough. I had been in love before. I was divorced. And it wasn’t just marriage I’d gotten wrong. More than once Mr. Right had turned out to be Mr. Oh-So-Wrong, My relationship self-confidence was 2 on a scale of 1-to-10. I wanted to get it right this time but so shattered was my self-confidence, that I came very close to simply assuming I was wrong this time, too, no matter how effectively he had swept me off my feet. As time went on and I fell more deeply in love with Dale, I asked myself time and again, how can I know if he is “the one.” I thought back to the committed relationships that had gone wrong and asked myself if I’d missed any don’t-do-this cues. I had. I realized that each time I had committed myself to a relationship that didn’t work, I had ignored those little voices that, had I listened and trusted rather than rationalized away, would have protected me. Those cautionary voices—my intuition—had always been right. Hmmm . . . was I onto to something? Yes, indeed.

Turns out that scientific studies prove there’s a lot to this intuition stuff but I didn’t know it at the time. All I knew then was that in every situation where my intuition had spoken, I had ignored it. I rationalized my gut feelings away and convinced myself that everything was super peachy keen. This time, however, I invited those little voices to speak up. “Come on,” I said out loud, “talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong with this picture.” Nothing. Silence. “No, really,” I begged, “talk to me.” Again, silence. Well, whaddya know? There were no little voices telling me to run and run fast. Every bit of me—my brain, my heart, and most importantly my intuition—said, “Go for it!”

That was 14 years ago and I’ve never had a moment’s regret. Dale and I are now happily married and I can’t envision life without him. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend. Her intuition is her best friend. If you want to know if he’s Mr. Right, don’t over-think it. You’ll end up exhausted and confused. Sit quietly and ask your intuition to talk to you. Listen carefully. And trust those little voices. They don’t lie.

Talk and Share

Years ago, there was a TV commercial for Lipton soup. A child ran into the kitchen and asked his mom, who was standing over a steaming pot, “Is it soup yet?” That phrase became a shorthand way of asking if something is done. Few us as are the same person at 40 as we are at 20—it takes time to become soup—which is why the younger the age at marriage, the more likely a divorce. As you and your partner simmer, on your way to becoming soup, the changes that inevitably occur can cause stress to your marriage or other committed relationship until one day you may find yourself saying, “You’re not the person I married.”

Relationships, like the people who form them, are dynamic. People change as life, time and experience affects them. It’s possible to outgrow your partner or for each of you to grow in such different directions that your relationship no longer makes sense. On the other hand, your relationship can survive—even thrive—if you share in three ways.

Share experiences. Even a seemingly insignificant experience can profoundly affect you. Example: Sharon, who had just turned 30, was taking a run and passed her neighbor, an old widower, who was sitting on his porch lovingly stroking his cat. Sharon thought how wonderful it was that the old man had the cat to keep him company. As the only child of career parents, she knew loneliness and, having just experienced a “decade” birthday, vowed to manage her life to avoid a reprise of her childhood loneliness in old age. Sharon told her husband Tim about seeing the old man and his cat. Tim then shared a story about his grandmother, who died before Sharon met Tim, and who loved her Cocker Spaniel more than life itself. Tim also shared, for the first time, what a positive influence his grandmother had been on him. This led Sharon to suggest that she and Tim get involved with a pets-for-seniors program. He agreed and that’s what they did. Sharon could have filed the experience in her psyche where it would quietly (and even subconsciously) influence the decisions she made in life. But by sharing it, she is not only more conscious of how the fear of old age loneliness affects her, but she and Tim discovered a way to together create a richer life.

Share your dreams. Verbalizing a dream helps make it reality and no one is in a better position to support you than your life partner. Example: Matt, an MBA, was on an upwardly mobile track at a consulting firm. Linda was an associate attorney at a national firm. They planned an affluent life in which both reached the top of the corporate ladder. Tucked away, beneath all Matt’s ambition, was his boyhood dream of being a forest ranger but that’s not what Matt’s parents envisioned for him. To be a “good son,” Matt did what was expected, adopting his parents’ dream as his own. As Matt became increasingly unhappy in a life that didn’t truly fit him, his relationship with Linda suffered. During a counseling session, the therapist asked Matt how the reality of his life differed from what he had envisioned. Matt thought he was joking when he said, “As a kid I wanted to be a forest ranger.” But when the words were said, the reality hit him. As Matt became soup, he changed from who Linda (and he himself) thought he was—a man who wanted to climb the corporate ladder—to a man who wanted an outdoor life. With his dream now in the open, Linda and Matt could reshape their goals so Matt could use his MBA knowledge to create a business giving hiking and whitewater rafting tours.

Share your feelings. Doing so helps you crystallize your own thoughts and allows you to learn from each other. Example: Ben and Sarah, expecting their first child, had friends who had just adopted a baby boy. It was an open adoption where the birth mother was permitted contact with the adoptive family and the baby. Ben said to Sarah, “I don’t think the birth mother should be allowed to see the baby. After all, she gave it up for adoption.” Sarah, who had never thought about it before, did so then. After a few moments of reflection, she replied, “Ben, the mother gave up the right to raise the baby, but not the right to love the baby.” Ben thought for a moment and said, “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” A conversation about what it means to be a parent ensued. They discovered they had differing points of view on spanking and several fundamental issues, and agreed to do some research, get some counseling, and resolve their difference before the baby was born. Each became a better parent as a result.

It all boils down to this: talk to each other. If you don’t communicate and share as you each become soup, you’re much more likely to grow apart than to grow closer. You will change. Your relationship will change as a result. It’s inevitable. By openly sharing your experiences, your dreams, and your feelings you greatly improve the odds of your relationship not only surviving but thriving.

Do an Amazon search on “self-improvement” or “self-help” and you’ll get a long, long list of books to choose from. There are books on how to have better communication, better sex, more intimacy, fair fights, more fun, less conflict, a more fulfilling life, more self-confidence, more self-esteem, and so on and so on.

What you won’t find is a book based on the premise that you’re perfect but your sweetheart needs a complete overhaul and would be much happier and a better partner if he or she were your clone. Yet, that’s the approach we so often take. We not only think we’re right, we think our opinion rises to the level of a universal truth and are completely baffled when our sweetheart doesn’t get it. So, we make it our mission to put in the fix. Let me give you an example from my own relationship.

I am a nutcake about timeliness. I am never late (usually early) and it chaps my hide when someone keeps me waiting. My sweetheart Dale, on the other hand, is relaxed about time commitments. So relaxed that in our early days, he was late often enough that my internal dialog went like this: “He is always late, which is rude. He has no respect for me or my time. He thinks his time is more valuable. That is arrogant and self-centered. Yada yada yada . . .” until I was all worked up about it and royally irritated. I was determined to “fix” the problem, i.e., get him to see that I was right and he was wrong. I explained patiently and rationally why he should change…it didn’t work. I nagged…it didn’t work. I demanded…it didn’t work. I pouted…it didn’t work.

Then one day it hit me: It was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue. To Dale, it is not mutually exclusive to be late and still have respect for me. He isn’t arrogant or self-centered. He’s an in-the-moment kind of guy—something I admire about him and wouldn’t want to change even though it means he sometimes forgets to watch the clock. Dale’s standards are just different from mine. To him, who cares about a few minutes here or there? If someone keeps him waiting he doesn’t get his shorts in a knot. He entertains himself until the doorbell rings. If it’s important to catch a plane, he’s there. When there’s room for slide, he relaxes. Who am I to say he’s wrong?

I stopped demanding that Dale change based upon The Gospel According to Shela. I no longer demand perfection. I let Dale know when it’s truly important for him to be on time. And, he is. Other times, I shrug off his being late as the no big deal that it is. He wins. I win. We’re both much happier.

You may have heard it said that the quickest way to change someone’s behavior is to change your own. It’s so true! It wasn’t until I made an attitude U-turn that Dale stopped resisting my efforts to “fix” him and happily changed his behavior to be more clock-aware when it was truly important.

If you are hell bent on improving something, then buy a few of those self-improvement books and get to work on making you a better you.  The more you know yourself, the more you value yourself, and the better person you are, the better partner you will be. By changing your behavior and becoming a better person, you support your partner in doing the same.

Author:

Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.

In 1975 Paul Simon released his hit song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”  I recently looked up the lyrics and discovered something I’d failed to notice in 1975 when I was hummin’ along. The song is about a woman giving a man advice on how to extricate himself from his current relationship. The song ends with said woman kissing him and suggesting that they sleep on it, a suggestion which leads him to conclude that she’s probably right—there must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Hmmmm . . . sounds like that woman had her own agenda!

If your relationship hits a rough patch, it’s tempting to focus on the 50 things your partner does “wrong” and the 50 “reasons” why things are falling apart. If we apply Newton’s law of physics—a thing in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon—it’s easy to see that such negative thinking will lead to pondering which of the 50 ways to leave your lover is the way to go.

In today’s crazy busy world in which electronic devices control our lives, it’s easy to sit in front of the TV, each with a laptop or iPhone, and be completely not together while in the same room. We have careers, charity work, kids to ferry about, pets to walk, gyms to visit, parties to plan, aging parents to care for.  We have so many demands on our lives and our time that it’s easy to let our relationship take a back seat until, one day, we find ourselves humming Paul Simon’s song.

I got to thinking . . . if there are 50 ways to leave your lover, there must be at least 50 ways to love your lover. If you did just one every day, your relationship couldn’t help but be more emotionally intimate. Your relationship, like all dynamic things that requires care and feeding, would flourish. So, here’s my suggestion—regardless of whether your relationship is cruising or has hit a speed bump, make a list of 50 ways to love your sweetheart and then do one (or more) every day. Even better, make your lists together and give your sweetheart ideas on how to love you. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Turn off the TV and play gin rummy.
• Call your sweetheart at work just to say, “I’m thinking about you.”
• Slip into your sweetheart’s shower.
• Give a back rub.
• Send your honey a flirty text message.
• Surprise your sweetheart with his or her favorite dessert.
• Give a hug for no reason at all.
• Tell your sweetheart how happy you are to have him or her in your life.
• Hold hands as you fall asleep.
• Give a compliment.
• Surprise your sweetheart by doing one of his or her chores.
• Pull the photo album off the shelf and take a trip down memory lane.
• Touch your sweetie’s cheek.
• Tell your sweetheart what you love about him or her.
• Make your good-bye kiss 10 seconds longer.

There are everyday demands on your time and energy that you just can’t avoid. Sure, on Saturday you may skip your shower and on Sunday you may skip your morning run, but we all have responsibilities and obligations that sap the vitality right out of us. Don’t make the mistake of putting your relationship last. There are 50 ways to love your lover. Right now, right his minute, think of one and then just do it!

Take time to talk.

Have you ever noticed how a good marriage has the attributes of friendship?  Someone’s there to zip your dress, give an opinion about what tie goes with the jacket, fetch aspirin for your headache, and (and this is important!) laugh at your jokes, funny or goofy. Good stuff. But what sustains a marriage and what makes living together on a daily basis, with all the ups and downs, easy and comfortable is Emotional Intimacy. That’s why it’s important for every couple to have intimacy rituals that can be practiced daily.

No, I don’t mean candles, heated massage oil, and the hot tub. Those are great—for sexual intimacy. But let’s not confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In the falling-in-love fireworks stage of your relationship, intimacy equaled SEX! But once you settle into your nest, the stork pays a visit or two, there’s a lawn to be mowed, the cat has to go to the vet, kids need chauffeuring or help with homework, the car breaks down, the toilet backs up, one of you loses a job, gets sick, or has an argument with a friend. All of that makes you too tired to think, let alone jump each other’s bones.

When the now-less-frequent opportunity for sex presents itself, there are times when you really do have a headache, are beyond irritated by your mouthy teen-ager’s attitude, have an early flight to catch, or for whatever reason you’re just not in the mood. It’s a bummer, I agree, but you just cannot rely on sex to provide the intimacy you need to have a great relationship. Yes, a good sex life is important, but without emotional intimacy, your marriage is likely to wither and die no matter how great the sex may be.

Intimacy rituals don’t have to be complicated or take a big chunk of time and can even be part of a daily chore or event. Here’s what Hubby Dale and I do. At the beginning of the day, Dale sits in the bathroom and chats with me while I get dressed for the office. We don’t talk about anything special, we’re just together for a few minutes before we go our separate ways. We come back together over dinner. We don’t answer the phone and the TV is off. We talk about current events or Dale’s trip to the grocery store where he ran into a friend, we chuckle over something cute a grandchild said, we plan a dinner party, or revisit a favorite memory. An eavesdropper would find it mundane, but for us, it’s a reconnection after being apart all day.

For you, an intimacy ritual might be calling each other on your lunch hour and taking 15 minutes to catch up on your day, cooking dinner together, doing an evening crossword puzzle, playing dominoes, or turning off the TV, snuggling and chatting for 20 minutes before going to sleep.

Converting an everyday event into an intimacy ritual may require nothing more than a change in how you view that activity. Finding the time may be as easy as doing together what one usually does alone. Bathing the baby, pulling weeds, grocery shopping, preparing the evening meal, washing the cars, etc., are all opportunities for the kind of togetherness that fosters emotional intimacy. You just need the right state of mind.

Give it a try and see how much closer you will be.  Then, let me know how it works out.

Elvis on Velvet

It’s been 10+ years since I did the remarriage thing. And I’ll admit it, I’m one of the lucky ones. Hubby Dale lived on a boat. He had nothing (I’m not kidding, nothing) to move into my house that I had decorated precisely to my taste. No recliner. No Elvis-on-Velvet art. Nada. All he asked was 3 feet of closet space. With some pushing and condensing I managed to squeeze out just about that much. And, he has no kids. Blending our lives was pretty simple. But for many couples, remarriage is all about blending. The kids. The finances. The pets. The former in-laws. All of that’s a breeze, however, compared to blending your stuff.

You’ve both got a house full of furniture, art, knickknacks, and–‘fess up–a ton of crap that by any standard belongs in a garage sale at best, more likely in the trash. But it’s your crap, thank you very much, and you’re attached to it: the molded-to-his-backside recliner with cup holder and duct-tape-repaired rip…the tattered-but-beloved bed canopy your great-grandmother crocheted in the previous century…the paint-by-number landscape your grown-up son did as a ten-year old…the ceramic frog collection you started as a kid that now occupies an entire bookcase. It’s no small task to find a place for all that stuff let alone tastefully mix early American milk glass with contemporary chrome ‘n glass.

Remarriage. Yep, it’s a challenge. It’s enough to make one seriously contemplate Katharine Hepburn’s approach. She said, “I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” I dunno, Katharine. Sharing the nest with your sweetheart is pretty darned nice. So, think of all that stuff-blending as an opportunity to score points (or what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). If you do, you’ll find yourselves each giving in a little and before you know it, you’ll have your cozy nest just the way it should be, recliner, ceramic frogs and all.

Hey, check out my just-published article.  Here’s an excerpt . . .

Aaaaaaarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!

Things go wrong. The oven malfunctions, the appetizer burns, and your snooty in-laws arrive to a smoke-filled house. You’re leaving for your brother’s wedding and the baby throws up on the perfect silk dress you shopped for months to find. The flight home from the conference your boss made you attend is late. You miss your own birthday party.
A meltdown is yours to have. The sweetheart who wants to earn points (or what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles) shows support with, “That really sucks!” and leaves you to rant ‘n rave until you realize you’ve crossed the line from justifiably upset to childish.

There are times, however, when the meltdown is up for grabs and goes to the first taker . . .

Read the entire article at DivaToolbox.com: The Meltdown: Another Ticket to Marital Intimacy

News flash!  The older you are the happier you are–or so says a new study. I’m not surprised.

Shela and Dale.

I’ve reached the big six-oh and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I no longer care–as I did in my youth–about wearing shoes that look fabulous when you’re sitting down but in which you cannot walk more than 2 steps without wincing in agony. I dress around my bunions and I do not care if my shoes are slightly less–okay a lot less–fashionable than strappy little 5″ stilettos. I’m a grandparent and happy about it. I feel sorry for other grandparents who think their grandkids are the cutest kids ever born. Mine really are and I unabashedly proclaim that to the entire world. But here’s the really cool thing. I may be creeping up on old age faster than I’d like, but I’m doin’ it with my best friend, my sweetheart, my lover, my hang out buddy. He’s the guy who makes me laugh, who gets my jokes, who sighs with sympathy when my lower back aches, who doesn’t care that I don’t wear stilettos, and with whom I can while away hours on end with memories of great times we’ve had and plan even more of the same. He’s the guy who, while we sit on the sofa watching TV, reaches over to hold my hand and with that quiet small-but-intimate gesture says, “I love you.”  He’s the guy who, with just a smile, can make my heart sing. In your early days, intimacy comes with fireworks.  There’s only one thing as good as that: the kind of contented intimacy that comes with time and experience.

When you’re at your wit’s end, or your sweetheart has done something so clueless you wonder if he or she has suffered a head injury, or you find yourself remembering your single days with fondness, hang in there. Your reward will be the happiness and contentment that comes with having grown old together. It’s pretty darned special.

Let me outa' here!!

CNN ran a story a day or two ago about how divorce has a permanently bad affect on your mental and physical health. In my case NOT getting a divorce would have had a permanently bad affect on my mental—and his physical—health!! Sometimes we just blow it. Maybe we’re  too young to get married, lookin’ for love in the wrong place, or too screwed up to know when to just say, “No!” Then, we come to our senses and divorce is the answer.

Having said that, divorce sucks no matter what. Did you know that a huge percentage of people who get a divorce are sorry they threw in the towel and wish they’d tried harder? I get it. I am crazy in love with my hubby Dale and I don’t miss my ex (nice guy that he may be), but I kinda’ sorta’ wish  I’d done it right from the get-go and avoided the divorce track altogether. My kid would have grown up in a two-parent home and I’d probably have a lot more money in the bank. Sigh.

So, look, if you find yourself envying your single friends, you or your sweetie are spending way too much time on thin ice or in the dog house, or you find yourself wondering if the jail time for physical assault is worth it, maybe it’s time to put the attitude brakes on and make a U-Turn in the way you think about your still-significant-other. Try this: Take a quiet moment to list five times when your sweetheart made you think you’re the luckiest person on the planet. Those times don’t have to be the stuff of epic romance novels, just sweet times. Maybe it’s the day you planted the now fully matured roses, or sat on a bench holding hands enjoying the view, or cooked Thai food together for the first time. Reliving those memories just might give you the oomph to work a tad harder at keeping your marriage together. It’s like vitamins—taking one won’t make you healthy, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Whadya got to lose?