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Posts Tagged ‘thoughtful gestures’

Intimacy for Christmas: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

I dunno about you but gift giving between spouses has always seemed strange to me. I don’t quite get the point of buying a shirt or sweater (or even jewelry) for your lovebug when the $$ comes from a communal pot (which is kind of like contributing to the purchase price of your own gift, isn’t it?) Or, what’s the point of buying another shirt or sweater for the person who already has more shirts or sweaters than can ever be worn. So hubby Dale and I decided a long time ago that instead of buying each other gifts, we’d do something together, for us, as our gift to each other and to our relationship.

One year we bought bicycles and a bike rack for our 4-Runner. At the time we were living in Northern California where, within a short distance in any direction, there were a zillion fabulous places to cycle. The first place we headed was South Lake Tahoe where, courtesy of friends, we had a place to stay right on the lake. We were so excited that the minute we got there, we were pedaling up the lane. We tried holding hands while riding. I do not recommend this. I lost my balance, we both toppled over, and I ended up with a black eye. Yeah, that was not fun. But here’s the good part. We rousted out early the next morning, filled a thermos with hot coffee, and pedaled to where we could watch the sun come up. Holding hands this time was far more successful. An intimate moment, cuddled together to ward off the chill, sipping coffee and watching the sun rise. It’s one of those hey-remember-when moments that we enjoy reliving again and again.

Torres Del Paine

Another year we splurged and went to Patagonia for three weeks. Wow! That was a great trip with the highlight being a stay at the Explora, located at the base of the Torres Del Paine. Check out the picture that I took from our room in the wee hours of the morning. It was on that trip that our car broke down in the middle of nowhere and Dale had the meltdown I wrote about in an earlier post. Yep, even a meltdown is an opportunity to create intimacy. We spent New Year’s Eve on a ferry that took us down the coast of Chile to Patagonia. We sat in our not-at-all-luxury cabin, popped the cork on a bottle of champagne we thought to buy at the last minute, toasted, kissed, took and sip and then both practically gagged. Champagne?  Uh-uh. More like fuel oil.  Nasty stuff that went down the drain.  But who needs champagne to celebrate the new year. We didn’t. After going out on deck where the crew shot off fireworks, we headed back to our cabin. How many people can say they’ve done the wild thing on a ferry, heading south along the Chilean coast to Patagonia on New Year’s Eve?  Great trip from which we have a whole bunch of hey-remember-when memories.

You don’t have to spend a lot. One year we bought a martini shaker and glasses. We spent most of January slightly tipsy as we worked our way from Appletini (which I recommend) to Wasabi Martini (which I do not recommend). We have used that shaker for many years and each time we pull it out of the cabinet, it inspires a hey-remember-when Christie and Gary came for dinner and we . . . , or when we celebrated the . . . , or we . . . story.

A shirt is long forgotten. But the memory of an intimate moment is the gift that keeps on giving. Try it. I think you’ll like it.

Creating Intimacy: One Small Gesture at a Time

Friday, August 28th, 2009

Release date: September '09

My book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy comes out next month. Can’t wait! I’ve been working on this project for what feels like forever. Writing a book is a lonely endeavor. But it requires the support of those who get short shrift while you’re holed up in your office writing, re-writing, editing, staring at a blank screen, etc. My guy Dale earned about a bazillion Frequent Foreplay Miles during the process. He is the greatest. One afternoon, after I’d been at it since 4 a.m., he walked into my office holding the most gorgeous, plump, red-ripe strawberry I’ve ever seen. He offered it to me and said, “Here, I want you to have a bright spot in your day.” Omigod!! Did I not tell you he’s the greatest? That, folks, is emotional foreplay at its best. And just as great foreplay is essential to Wow! sex, great emotional foreplay is essential to a Wow! relationship. I’m not kidding you when I say this: When Dale offered me that strawberry I couldn’t have been more touched, felt more loved, felt more supported, or felt more connected to him had he offered me a 10 karat diamond ring. With that simple gesture, made at exactly the right moment, he said, “I’m thinking about you, I support what you’re doing, and I love you.”  Wow! I’ll never again see a ripe strawberry without being reminded how lucky I am to have Dale in my life and how much I love him.

What we can learn from Rachel and Chariot

Sunday, July 19th, 2009

Have you ever noticed how some people have longer, more intimate relationships with their things than they do with each other? Maybe there’s something to learn. Consider Rachel. She’s 89 years old. In 1964 she bought a Mercury Comet Caliente and named it Chariot. They’ve been together ever since. It’s a relationship that’s lasted 540,000 miles and longer than Rachel’s three marriages. As she says, Chariot has never lied to her, never cheated on her, and is 100% reliable. There you go. The secret to a long relationship. There’s more. Rachel dotes on Chariot, memorializes every birthday, keeps a scrapbook of every invoice, and makes sure Chariot is properly serviced (another secret to a happy relationship?!?!!!). She even has a diagram of all the points where Chariot should be lubed (oh, boy, now my imagination is really running wild) that she gives to the mechanic and she never leaves the car’s side when it’s being serviced. Rachel says she knew she’d keep the car forever and made it a point to buy parts with lifetime guarantees. Now that’s commitment.

I recall my ex-husband once saying he thought I loved my cat more than I loved him. Well, as I pointed out to him, Fluffy never asked if I’d put on a few pounds, never asked when the laundry would be done, and always purred at the slightest touch.

If we treated each other with the same loving devotion that Rachel has treated Chariot, if we were as forgiving, loving and responsive to our sweethearts as our pets are towards us, maybe there would be a lot less divorce in the world.  Something to think about.

Enjoy the video.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZlAdfgzPoc]

Cardboard Tulips = Frequent Foreplay Miles

Monday, June 8th, 2009

One of the coolest things about Frequent Foreplay Miles is the bazillion ways in which you can earn them.  Here’s a great example that came from one of my workshop attendees . . .

Susan had a particularly bad day at work, starting with a computer crash and the resignation of her top programmer.  Stan wanted to have flowers waiting for Susan when she got home.  Her favorite flowers are tulips but they were out of season.  So, instead of live flowers, Stan found a photograph of a bouquet of tulips, blew it up on his computer, printed it, pasted it to cardboard, and then cut it out to the shape of the bouquet.  When Susan got home, the cardboard tulip bouquet, accompanied by a sentimental note from Stan, was standing in a crystal vase where Susan would immediately see it.

What made this so meaningful to the emotional Susan is that she is fond of romantic gestures while the pragmatic Stan finds them a bit silly and contrived.  That goofy cardboard bouquet of tulips landed squarely within Susan’s Foreplay Navigator, made her laugh, and instantly lifted her spirits.  Sure, she would have appreciated any flowers, but it was Stan taking himself outside his comfort zone to do something “so Susan” that so profoundly showed his love for her she was able to let the stress of the day take a back seat to the joy of her relationship.  Wow!

Way to go, Stan!

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